Monday, May 31, 2010

Day 28- Kryptonite

I feel sick. I feel fat. I am fat. A piece of lard so pathetic and lazy that even the biggest of elephants seem more graceful and perfect.

I don't condone purging. It is a sign of weakness and no control.

I purged today. I lost control. It is was the only way to shove the cheeseburger and 100 calorie pack of chocolate pretzels out of my body without allowing calories to pass through. I'm pathetic.

I'm disgusting.

I suppose I don't even condone Ana. If any friend of mine confessed to an ED, I would get them help that very minute. And yet here I am, typing to my secret Ana world full of the winter girls I wish to become. I love Ana with all of my being. The only way I feel control is when Ana is by my side. Aren't I twisted? I cling to the feeling of being "sick", of dizziness and hunger. I cannot be without theses things. So pathetic. So fat.

My grandpa died yesterday. He lives lived in Oregon (I'm in Iowa). So I didn't get to see him or have tons of memories of him. The worst part though? One of the most prominent memories I do have of him is the time when he called me "HUSKY" right to my face, and not the in the kind way. Pathetic.

I hope he saw from Heaven how I heaved into my own porcelin idol. I wanted to scream to the ceiling and ask him if he was happy now. That's the type of horrible person that lives inside of me. Serves me right that my digusting outsides should reflect my inner concience.

I hate myself.
I have no control.
The more I write, the more pathetic I feel. I complain to a computer screen and end up sitting on my ass waiting for a miracle.
I'm fat.
And I will be fat for the rest of my life if I don't change.
I want to starve.

I want to starve until I float away and die.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

If They Can Do It, Why Can't I? (some additional thinspo)

Which girl would you want to be in this picture?

Make a choice...what will your result be?

She made a choice.

She chose perfection.

Even if you need help.

You CAN do it.

Good, better, BEST.
NEVER let it rest,
Until your good is better,
and your better is

Day 27- The Past Bit My Ass

Well, my brother is a dick some days. He read through my old text messages and looked at every single one I still had saved on my phone from my ex. Then he asked me about them. Maybe I'm just moody, but I hated him for digging through my phone just to look at what that ass hole texted me.

The ass hole in question (the ex boyfriend) actually dumped me for another girl after I made two different trips- 3 hours one way- without my parents' knowledge to go see him. He said that she was the one he kept thinking at. Wow. It sucks so bad when someone tells you that- especially through a damn text message. I kind of stalked out her profile on Facebook. She's thin, but so UGLY! And I'm not really a mean person, but when I say that I feel more attractive than her, I'm not lying. She's very very thin though. Thinner than me at least. If I was thin then maybe he wouldn't have dumped me for her. I hate this.

Bringing up those text messages brought back some really sucky feelings.

I was doing fine food-wise today really. I didn't eat breakfast, just coffee, but I knew we'd go out to eat. We got Chinese food. I had Mongolian Beef, one crab ragoon, a spring roll, fried rice, and a fortune cookie for a grand total of around 500 calories. I had a couple pieces of taffy and a 100 calorie pack of Cheese-its for a net total of 610 calories.Then my mum had to ruin my damn control by having me make the pizza. I ended up having more than one 2" by 2" slice. So now I have nearly 300 calories to burn off. I'm hopping on the ellipticle for at least 20 minutes to burn it off, depending on speed and intensity. I feel bloated and gross. Soooo tempted to purge, but I'm trying to resist since I just took my vitamins too. Yuck.

I work stocking shelves for 5 hours tomorrow, so I'll just eat my usual cereal for breakfast, and no lunch. I wonder how many calories I would burn stocking that long? At least 400? I need to find a really accurate calorie burning calculator!

We're fixing cheeseburgers tomorrow night though. Lord, how I love those things. I don't know what to do! I'm going to try to just eat half and then take a long bike ride afterward.

I can never be perfect without control and Ana.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Day 26- Aunt Flow and Her Red Sister

Dear Aunt Flow and Red Sister,

I HATE you both. That's all.

I shouldn't blame the time of the month for this, and yet I cling to that feeling in the selfish way a child would cling to a lie of not breaking something of value. I hate myself.

I'm scared to weigh myself anymore. I know I've gained some weight back again. I binged a bit today too. Most definitely 900 calories. Damn you, apparently healthy sandwiches with nearly 500 calories, damn you! I feel disgusting.

We had the town queen contest today. I was a candidate and got to ride in a float. My arms jiggled and my thighs were huge. I felt like Bertha the Whale in my beautiful convertible (borrowed). I didn't win. I have the personality, but I'm fat. The fat girls never win the contest, get the boy, find the job, or have a life. The thin girl with the lovely tan and golden long hair won. Go figure. Nice girl, but that tiny part of me knows that if I had been at least 20 lbs smaller then I would have won, no doubt.

I want to win. I want to have boys fawning over me. I want to get the scholarships and the job interviews. I want to be successful and perfect. I must be down to at least 120 lbs by my 18th birthday on June 22nd. I have 24 days.

After that, I will be 110 lbs by the end of July, maybe even close to 100 lbs by the time college starts up. The thought of weighing so little scares me. But perfection is worth it. My thighs must never touch and my stomach must be nothing but concave ever again.

I have planned a reward for getting down to at least 110 lbs by the time I begin college: my first tattoo. I am so excited. Of course, my parents must never know. I mentioned it once and they said if I ever got a tattoo, they would never help with college costs again. I will be secretive though. Placement will either be on the back of my neck or on my lower ribs (I'll be nearly thin enough then).

I am going to starve tomorrow. Just eat breakfast and that is it for the entire day. Usually on Sundays my parents take the whole family (I have one younger brother- 18 months apart) out to eat. I will eat only eggs and fruit. No muffins or pancakes shall pass my lips. No meat either.

I will be perfect. Perfection shows control. 

Friday, May 28, 2010

Day 25- Freshmen 15

The college visit rocked my socks off completely! Hurrah. I am so excited to move out of the house and start the next step of my life. I met some awesome people and my schedule should be great! Still no roomie, but I'm very content right now.

Downside? Traveling in a car for 4 hours makes you sooooo hungry. I hated it. To make matters worse, we stopped at fast food places. McDonalds and Dairy Queen. I feel so disgusting. I managed to eat a salad from McDonalds (250+), but caved into Dairy Queen and had a Midnight Truffle blizzard on the way to NWC and a small chocolate cone on the way home the next day. I AM A FAT COW. I SHOULD JUST STARVE FOREVER.

I hated losing control. It's getting to be that time of month and my cravings are way out of wack. I hadn't had any chocolate for the past three weeks, but my control just wavered and died during the trip. I'm going to make it up and work twice as hard now as ever before!

Keep up the work, Skinnys, it's all going to be worth it when the thinspirations envy you!

Thursday, May 27, 2010

500 Cups of Coffee

Oh, yes I am veeeery jittery, but in an almost good way- I feel as though I could run several miles without stopping for air.

Anyway, heading out the the grand college that awaits me. Will try to post tomorrow, if not I will surely give you all an update on Saturday.

Ate a (100) calorie pack of Cheese-its and 5 Starburst (100) for a total of (200) calories and a net of (349) calories.

Skinny = LOVE

Day 24- Vine Vici...Nearly Vite

Weigh-in this morning: 136.0 lbs

Wow, it's all really starting to pay off. Started my AcaiTrim pills today. Hopefully no jitters or stomach sickness. The day has started off pretty good so far. Only 150 calories for breakfast. I've decided it's stupid to skip breakfast because whatever you eat for breakfast jump starts your metabolism and tells your body you're not quite starving. I haven't really been eating lunch and dinner has consisted of a salad and small small portion of the main meal. Ah, I love being such a picky eater!

My mum is really frustrating me though. She thinks it's cool to skip a meal and lose weight rapidly. I don't understand her! I don't want her to pressure me to stop eating- I want her to be worried......I don't know. Just not approving. It's a bit sick. She thinks I'm so disgusting. The irony of the matter is that she is fatter than me! She will eat two pieces of toast instead of one and binge on sugary snacks when she doesn't think I'm near the kitchen. Whatever. I just know I never want to look like her! (Don't get me wrong, I love my mum, but sometimes she just makes me so angry when it comes to talking about weight).

I'm leaving for college orientation tonight, so I may not have time to post tomorrow, but I'll try my best. Is it so wrong that I want a thin roomie? I don't want to live with a fattie who will offer me cookies and bother me about not eating. I want someone I can starve with or at least envy a bit. I suppose that is also sick and way too judgmental, but I refuse to gain weight in college!

Stay Strong and Thin!

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Day 23- Must Keep Going

I'm so tired today and my stomach aches. I'm not sure if it's my colon, new meds, lack of food, iced mocha for lunch, or too much salad for supper.

S and I hung out again this evening. SS joined us later on. I would have loved to have spent time with just S, but it was fine with me that she came...she's my best friend for pete's sake! And S didn't try to feed me popcorn or chocolate, so that's good.

I went to Wallgreen's today with my mum. I was extra sleuthy and snuck to the checkout counter with my new diet pills- ACAI-TRIM. I'm so excited to try them out- hopefully no jitters!

But now I'm going to curl up and sleep- my tummy hurts that bad. If it's hunger, then I'm so happy.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Bring the Rain

I had a fantastic time hanging out with S tonight! He's such a great guy to be around. We messed with our guitars for a little while (we're both self-taught.....he's farther ahead than me though). Then we were just settling down to watch "Fight Club" when my mother called for me to come home because the weather was "getting bad". So I had to leave early and ended up driving right through the middle of a storm. I had to pull over because the rain and wind were so strong. So S and I chatted on the phone until my car finally finished crawling home.

I feel a bit bad though. I love S and his family dearly, but they like to feed their guests. S's relatives from New York were in town for the weekend and left a huge box of gourmet chocolates. In my weakness, I took one and had several handfuls of popcorn. Bad bad Bekah!

But other than that, I really did have a good night. I have this weird feeling that if I had stayed longer, S and I might have cuddled (or maybe I'm just sadly disillusioned).

I know he'll love me when I'm thin and perfect.

Track Record

- 1 slice banana bread (100)
- 1 cup light orange juice (50)
- 1 cup coffee (25)

- cheese stick (80)
-1 Starburst (20)
- 1 slice banana bread (100)

Total so far: 375 calories

Not bad. I'm working 3:30-6:00 tonight. Wonder how many calories I will burn stocking shelves for 2.5 hours?

Going to my best guy friend, S, house tonight. I probably won't eat any supper then. I kind of have this hesitant crush on him, but he likes my thin best friend. Maybe if I become thinner than her, then he will like me. Stupid school-girl crush, I know. (and for the record, I love my thin best friend, she is amazing!).

Day 22- Liar Liar

Well, this is an interesting phenomenon. I stepped onto the scale at 8:56 am and.....138.2 lbs! I am positive it's a fluke or the body just weighs less after waking up. I'll weigh myself again this evening and we'll see for sure.

Hunger feels better than any food could!

Monday, May 24, 2010

Day 21- Tickle Me Thin

I have become an obsessive eater with weird habits- another success! Horray. I suppose it is sad that I wish to have "terrible" eating rituals, but that is what the fat people in my life tell me. Allow me to explain. I managed to eat 8 apple slices, 6 noodles, and 3 cheetoes while looking like I was eating an entire meal. I've never allowed my food to touch, so I just spread the apple slices around my plate so I could not possibly put anything else on there without letting something touch. I ate my apples in 1/4 turns- I would eat 1/4 of one, then move onto the next, etc. That way it always looked like I had something on my plate. Hurrah.

I love feeling hungry. I like to stay up late at night to feel my stomach growl. I love the feeling of being empty.

Though I admit that after a morning of zero food except coffee and vitamins, my mom took me to Fazoli's at 2:15 pm. I binged and ate an entire cheese and tomato submarino, plus two whole bread sticks. Needless to say, I felt like such a FAT cow the entire day, thus making me eat hardly anything for supper.

It was so darn hot out today! 93 degrees in Iowa is not an easy pickle to deal with. I desperately wanted to go for a bike ride, but even at 8pm it was still blazing outside, then it rained. Ugh. I'm going to do at least 100 situps tonight, possibly a 60 second plank or two.

My size 7/8 skinny jeans from Rue 21 are too lose to wear now. I can pull them all the way off without unbuttoning or unzipping- not something I was able to do at the beginning of the month. I tried on my favy pair of 5/6 regular jeans also from Rue 21 and......they fit! Note, when I buttoned them there was still a bit of flab sticking out along the sides, but the fact that I can put them on and button them is a huuuuge accomplishment to me! The were only tight around my butt (ugh). But this just makes me want to lose weight even more!

Hunger hurts, but starving works! Keeping pushing, Skinnys!

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Day 20- Graduating

Today was absolutely fantastic! I am now officially graduated from high school. I made it through high school with a full board of activities, in the top 10%, and a member of the National Honor Society. I made it at last!

My graduation open house party was today as well. I had a fantastic turn-out too- what a self-esteem boost! The money wasn't important, but I did receive quite a large sum. I just really feel so blessed to have so many friends and family come out to support me and offer up some congradulations.

To top it off, I weighed myself this morning- I was 142.0 lbs at 9:00 am this morning. After church, I came home and weighed myself again just to be sure- the scale read 141.0 lbs! I'm not quite sure if the latter reading was correct, but what a great way to begin a fantastic day.

I managed to eat hardly anything today. I ate a quarter-sized bit of muffin(25) and one cup of coffee for breakfast(25). I had one sugar cookie(100) around 3:00 pm. And managed to resist eating until 7:15pm- I had a pulled pork sandwich (250), half a bag of Cheetos (160) (moment of weakness), and one more cookie (100). I also had 1/2 cup of frozen yogurt (80) while opening all of my cards. Total of 740 calories. I imagine I burned at least 200 calories by standing for two hours on an empty stomach. So 740 - 200 = 540 calories. I also made sure to do 100 crunches this morning and two sets of 60 second planks.

All in all, it was a fabulous day! Plus, my dad gave me this funny expression and said I looked very "shapely". Not the best adjective I would like, but he said it was a very big compliment. This is coming from the man who loves to watch what I eat and tell me to work out more. SUCCESS!


Saturday, May 22, 2010

Day 19- Confess and Purge Yourself

First off, sorry for that little spiel yesterday. I apologize for any who were offended by my strong language (normally I hardly ever say the mild curse words). Thank you for all of your support through the past two rotten days. I suppose there will always be days like those, and I'll just have to learn to deal.

So today was better. I thought it was going to be one of those fantastic days- I even skipped breakfast. I survived the first two graduation parties, but once that piece of cake passed by my lips, I was done for. I hate purging. To me, it is a sign of weakness and desperation. That said, I went home after six or so graduation open houses and purged until I could only dry heave. I feel better now.

Tomorrow is my open house. I want to feel really pretty all day. My goal is to eat absolutely nothing except maybe a snow cone and a sandwich after 7pm (when my open house is actually over). That is my goal for tomorrow and I intend to reach it.
It is interesting to think that I'm graduating tomorrow. It doesn't seem real. I want to leave this summer thin and beautiful. I don't want my friends to remember me for how gross looking I was. I have a nice smile and personality, but my body doesn't fit at all with those two characteristics.

I will reach my goal! Weigh-in tomorrow. I have a doctor's appointment Monday too- for my colon.

Stay Skinny!

Friday, May 21, 2010

Just a Thin Girl Trying to Get Out of Her Fat Suit

Day 18- Congratulations, Shamu

I am one fat fucking failure. This whole day has just sucked!

It was my last day of school today and it was disgustingly muggy outside. My mom and I rushed around Target finding stuff for my open house. I pigged out at Olive Garden and split a fucking chocolate cheese cake. I can feel my thighs expanding and my stomach bubbling.

To make matters worse, when I got home mom and I argued incessantly about how to move the tables and what to put on the damn display table. So far all I have is a shit load of tacky looking picture frames.

I gained two fucking pounds too! The scale kept swinging back and forth between 146 lbs and 142.4 lbs. It finally landed on 144.9 lbs. How pathetic is that?! I'm only 5' 2" for pete's sake! I can't be this fucking huge. I'm like a midget version of Shamu!

I disgust myself so much. I can hardly even look in the mirror. I thought today would be a much better day, but I was wrong. To top it off, I didn't even get to exercise yesterday.


Thursday, May 20, 2010

Day 17- I Am FAT

I have failed so miserably today. I lost total and complete control. I am a fat ass and should just quit eating permanently.

In celebration of my last day of school today, I binged without even thinking about it. Good lord, I am so effing fat! I can't believe how little control I had to day. The minute I touched that oreo ball my friend offered me, it was over. And the worst part of it is that I was doing so well this morning- didn't even have breakfast!

So I am sitting here with a jacket on because I don't want anyone to see my disgusting stomach. I am going to get my fat ass off this computer now and run until I puke.

I hate my body. 
I hate my lack of control.
I hate being ugly.
I hate food.

When Will I Be Beautiful?