Saturday, July 31, 2010

Catch-up Time!

Yesterday's Weigh-in Results: 132.6 lbs

Heck, yes! I was so dang pumped when I stepped on the scale yesterday. I really can't believe I've been losing around one pound a day. I feel oh, so much much better! I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow before I leave for camp, though I don't know if I'll get time to give you all an update or not, but hopefully I'll be down to around 130 lbs  >.<

I worked 9 hours again at the grocery store today. I felt pretty good, not too dizzy though I did have quite a lack of energy. Solution? More caffeine!

So I probably won't be on until a week from tomorrow. I'll still be reading and leaving comments for you all on my itouch (if I can get some wifi up in the lovely Minnesota wilderness). The next time I post, I hope to be under 130 lbs.

Stay strong, Skinnys! <3

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Cookies and Spandex

Instead of working just 7 hours at the store today, I worked 9 lovely hours. For the first time I was able to actually work outside the store and sell baked goods. My town was one of the stops for RAGBRAI, which is basically a huge bike ride across the state of Iowa in which thousands participate. It's quite a remarkable feat for those who bike the entire path.

For the first time in who knows how long, I was hit on by 5 different men. It was the weirdest thing ever. Some of them were more than slightly drunk, yes, but it still makes me feel a bit better, especially after that stupid binge last night (I apologize for my language in that post by the way- I think I even lost a reader because of it- sad day). My esteem has been boosted a tiny bit for the moment.

My intake today was under 300 calories. I had soymilk and oatmeal this morning (160), strawberries during lunch time (50), and a slice of rye bread with peanut butter (80). Grand total for the day: 290 calories. I feel oh so much better after last night's idiotic blunder! Weigh-in is still tomorrow morning. Cross your fingers! I don't feel like I've lost that much weight since Wednesday. I'm shooting for 133 lbs or less!

Random my comment system working? I've been messing with my settings and I'm not sure if I tweaked something wrong or not. Maybe everyone's just silent. If something is wrong though, shoot me an email!

Stay strong, Skinnys!

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

What Starts With an "F"?

Guess who is a fucking fat piece of shit and decided to binge on not 1, not 2, but 3 fucking pieces of stuffed crust supreme pizza? This fat girl right here! And then in my weakness I purged everything. I feel sick, both physically and emotionally. My stomach aches so damn much and I feel disgusted with how little fucking control I had. I can't believe how stupid and fat I really am. I will always be a fat girl no matter how fucking hard I try!

Tea Time!

Weighed myself at 9:05am before any liquids had gone down my large esophagus....134.8 lbs! My collar bones are now slowly, slowly beginning to come out of their fat-induced coma to greet the world at last. I can count a couple ribs too, though not enough to be described as thin.

I had hazelnut latte oatmeal this morning along with a cup of coffee. Lunch/dinner I had banana bread oatmeal with a dash of soy milk and a chopped up banana. Yum yum!

Bought some Ensure bottles today. I need to take them during camp or else the silly doctors there will make a fuss and try to force more food down my throat. There are 250 calories per bottle, but I only need to drink one a day. On the plus side, each bottle has a ton of fiber, protein, and vitamins. Hopefully they don't taste too bad. I got chocolate of course (I should really kick that chocolate habit).

I'm heading to work in about 45 minutes. Oh, joy. I'll be on shelves for 3.5 hours, but I suppose I should just think about the exercise I'll be getting in the process of doing tedious, boring work. And the pay check...I should probably think about my lovely paycheck. Textbooks are way too expensive!

Well, I should probably drink some more water and tea then get ready to work. Shoot me luck that I won't die of boredom! Hopefully I'll be 130 lbs by Sunday! next weigh-in: Friday!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010


First off, wow! Two new followers! Thank you and welcome to my humble little blog.

Second, well, I'm still loving this liquid diet. At least as much as one can love constant liquids. Yesterday was awesome and I managed to mostly drink drink drink and only gave in to one spoonful of peanut butter (protein). Today wasn't so awesome, but I managed to stay under 800 calories for the day (500 yesterday!). I had oatmeal for breakfast again, a small soup for lunch, and had some frozen custard for dinner with some friends. I should not have had that ice cream- one because it's way too high in calories, and two I'm allergic to milk in the first place so my tummy is feeling rather off right now.

Other than that....I feel...full. It's such a weird feeling. I feel almost a bit sloshy and I know I really didn't eat that much, but my tummy is definitely full. It's such a weird feeling! I'm not sure if I like it more than clean and empty though.

I work 3:30-7pm tomorrow evening so I'll miss supper. Hurrah for that! I'm hoping to intake 500 calories at most, though I'm aiming for just 300 calories tomorrow- that's two packets of oatmeal, so I'll be doing pretty dang good hopefully. Shoot me some luck, Skinnys. (and I hope my pictures posted a day or so ago didn't disgust you too much- I should probably take them down).

I promise to do a weigh-in either tomorrow morning or Thursday morning. Goodnight goodnight!

Monday, July 26, 2010

I'm In Love...

...With this website! 

You enter in your age, weight, daily calorie intake, activity level, and height. 
It then tells you how much you will weigh on certain dates if you keep up with the said intake and activities.

Morning, Sunshine

So far, so good for this morning. I've had two cups of coffee and am now working on my second large cup of water (around 16 oz possibly? I'll have to measure it). I'm feeling pretty good about this. Even though I can still see the globs of fat on my tummy and thighs and pull at the extra skin on my arms, I am beginning to feel like floating. Maybe it's just the burst of caffeine or the euphoria at starting a new diet. Maybe it's something else- maybe it's the fat slowly, but surely dissolving, the dimples on my thighs and tummy disappearing. 
I hope this diet works. I just feel like I'm going to really be able to stick to it, especially with my mum already making sure I'm keeping to liquids to "heal" my colon. Hopefully, I'll be able to lose weight and get my stomach well enough not to begin infusions of Remicade. Shoot me some luck!

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Plan of Attack

I'm quite serious about this liquid diet thing. Starting tomorrow, I will be having mostly liquids. I have looked through multiple sources and have decided that every once in a while on my high calorie allowance days I will allow myself a banana or oatmeal. These are foods allowed commonly in liquid diets, thus giving off the illusion to my parents that I am still trying to maintain "healthy" calorie levels. Frankly, I'm excited to do this!

Work was fine today. Super super busy, but I made plenty of tips. I made $26 from a table of 7 alone! Too bad we had to split the tips between four girls or else I would most certainly have had the highest amount. Oh, well. I still earned quite a bit today. :)

I learned my housing and roommate assignment for college this fall. I get the only air-conditioned dorm! Yes yes yes! I hate being overly hot, especially when I'm sleeping. Also, this is the only dorm on campus that is being converted into co-ed due to the remodeling of one of the men's dorms. I'm attending a private Christian school, so this is a big step for them. I'm quite excited though! And I'm most certainly not worried about being raped or something terrible.

My roomie seems super nice, but she is definitely over-weight, near obese. Don't get me wrong, I'm not being shallow or anything- she really is cool- I'm just afraid of her eating a lot in the dorm room and offering to share every piece of food with me. I'm hoping I'll just be able to say no every time and our eating schedules will be totally different. I'm so nervous about that. But I am so blessed that she is a very kind gal and hopefully we'll get along well together.

Shopping for dorm supplies is awesome. I'm hoping to get out of the house for a while to shop for more things, all the while avoiding the temptation of food. I want to lose 5 lbs before camp starts this coming Sunday- August 1st- in just 7 days. Is that possible? I wonder if I'm just making my binges more frequent and disappointment more prominent by setting such high goals. I don't know if I can make it, but I sure as hell need to try. I'm tired of being fat.

I best be getting some sleep now. The less sleep I have, it seems like the more frequent I binge. Wish me luck, darling Skinnys, tomorrow is my new day one!

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Welcome Back: In Addition

I'd also like to welcome my new readers. I am so flattered that you've decided to push that "follow" button on the right side of your computer screen. I'm not sure if you know how much it means to be. So thank you.

Stay strong!

If you need anything:

Welcome Back

Who can define normal? 

I can't right now and I really don't want to.

Ana is my normal. Ana is my perfection. With Ana I will be thin.

Vacation was fantastic. I haven't had a proper tan since I was a child running around the sprinklers all summer long. It looks lovely on me and I do hope it takes a while to fade. I'm not sure when I will have the nerve to get back into a bikini, especially around anyone besides my family.

Sadly enough, I gained at most 1.2 lbs. I weighed myself at 11 am this morning after eating one small blueberry muffin (200) and drinking a large glass of water. I am now 136.2 lbs. Is it sad that I feel relief in those numbers? Is it pathetic that I was so afraid that I was back to 140 lbs or worse when my goal before leaving had been to lose at least 5 lbs? I find it disgusting. Yet I can't help feeling relief.

On the ship, all of our meals were scheduled. Well, 2 scheduled by my parents, one by the formal dining part of the cruise. The breakfast and lunch were buffets of every sort of food imaginable. Surprisingly enough I gravitated toward the vegetarian foods more than the large array of pizza, hamburgers, and whatnot. This proves my theory that if given the selection, I'll choose veggies over meat.

The sad part is that those buffets also contained a large amount of sweets. A whole effing line of tummy thickening foods. Of course I ate some. I am so ashamed to admit it and yet I know that if I don't confess and pretend to be perfect for all of you lovely skinnys, then I would really be an effed up person.

Dinners were three courses served with bread. I didn't eat the bread 2 out of the 5 nights on board. I had salads for the appetizers and mostly veggie dishes for the main course. Of course, those main dishes were pasta, asparagus pie, and other calorie loaded "healthy" foods. And the desserts....I just won't get into that part. I am quite ashamed.

I think the worst part of all that food was that I felt "normal". Ana was pushed to the back of my mind and I felt so damn carefree it was almost scary. I dressed in something other than a t-shirt and my family actually gave me compliments on them. I don't remember the moment I lost my control, but it happened. Vacation is supposed to be a break from reality and the stresses of everyday life. It was for me. It was 10 whole days of fun, food, calories, and silent Ana.

But now I'm back. Ana was waiting for me, whispering,  longing for me to come home. I'm ready to begin again. I don't regret my time away, but I know I must work all the more harder to regain control and find my perfection.

Starting tomorrow, I will be on a liquid diet. My GI doctor wants me to switch to an IV medication for my Colitis before I go to college, but I just don't want to do it. Frankly, it scares the shit out of me. So I talked to my mum and decided that I would try a liquid diet to get my colon settled and hopefully cause my Colitis to go into remission. Perfect. Yes, I want to heal my colon, but at the same time I really wanted to start this diet so I could lose even more weight. Having my mum know and approve of it will be so much easier to do.

I'm going to to store tomorrow to buy juice that I will drink for the first time in months, chocolate soymilk, and possibly some instant breakfast packets. The goal is to drink a ton, but secretly control my intake without my family realizing it. Calories will be 800, 600, 400, 200, fast. The fasting will of course just include water and tea. Once my body gets used to the idea of just having liquids, I won't feel the need to chew on something "substantial".

I work at the resteraunt tomorrow, so hopefully I can get away with eating just veggies there and nothing more.

Shoot me some luck, dear Skinnys. It's good to be back!

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

I Appologize For This Foul-Languaged Post

Well, the past three days have been rather shitty, especially intake wise. I've been feeling so damn dizzy and low on energy that I have eaten far more than I care to post, though I have stayed under 1000 calories per day (surprised? I am.). I don't know why I feel so sucky. I was dizzy and freaked out, turning to food to give me more energy.

Went to the doctor for my yearly thyroid exam (add Hashimoto's Disease to my list of medical ailments). I had a resident examine me first. She decided to say aloud my BMI, weight, height, and percentile ranges for the three to my mother. Not me, my fricking mum! I was so embarrassed and fucking angry enough to kill. The damn scale said I weighed 138.1 lbs and my BMI was 25.1. FUCK THAT! I know what I fucking weigh and what my BMI is and she is definitely wrong and the damn people making those charts don't account that the patients might actually be wearing clothes on the scale and have drank at least a pound of water (I do drink that much). Fuck! And then she continued to ask why I was losing weight. I about cussed her out, but she was just trying to be a nice resident and pass her boards so I held my tongue. The real doctor then came in, asked the same question about why I was trying to lose weight, and how I was doing it. Ugh! It's like they warn me of my large BMI then make losing weight out to be a bad thing. Fuck them! America has become way to accepting of obesity and walking whales.

So that put me in a shitty mood for the day. I keep feeling like I'm going to get my stupid period too. I'm bloated and my boobs are huge and ache a bit (sorry for that too much bit of info and disgusting image). Ugh. So I feel like crap, I'm exhausted still, and breaking out on my forehead.

Could things get worse?

Yep. I'm leaving for my NYC/ Bermuda trip tomorrow and I am nowhere near 120 lbs, not to mention I am currently moody, possibly PMSing, aching, tired, dizzy, and just overall fat.

I need to figure out what my intake should be. Keeping it under 500 calories scares me a bit, especially because it would be easy to go over and gain weight. Should I keep it around 800 calories and make sure to exercise a lot? I'm so scared I'm going to gain even more weight!

I'll try to keep in touch over the next 10 days. I can't bring my laptop on this trip, so I'll be forced to use the hotel and cruise ship computers. Hopefully there's no user fees. I'll post as much as possible.

On a lighter note, all of my new clothes I bought today were mediums, size 5, and waist size 28 (I think that's a 5?). So I feel a bit better when I think of that.

Hope you all are having much better days. Stay strong, my lovely skinny minis- we're in this together and we'll be thin together!

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Dance Your Ass Off

I'm still on that 10-minute Solutions video kick. I love love love the dance workouts! I did one this morning before leaving for my CT Scan and one after I lay outside trying to get some semblance of a tan. I added weighted arm bands (only 1 lb each, but I can feel the new tension in my arms).

Intake was lovely today.
Breakfast: none, "fasting" for the scan
Lunch: salad and berries (75)
Dinner: 2 pieces of rye bread (130), 5 slices turkey breast (30), 1 slice American cheese (60), small piece fudge (25)

Grand total for the day: 320 calories.

Not bad, not bad. I have no clue how many calories I'm burning with those dance things, so I'm just going to keep track of my calorie intake only.

I work 4.5 hours at the store tomorrow as cashier. Fun fun- not. But it's extra money before my trip (exciting!). I'm planning on just having the same sandwich I made today for lunch tomorrow, so hopefully just taking in about 220 calories, maybe lower since I didn't like the cheese too much this time, so possibly 160 calories? Then I'll probably hop back up to 800 calories and go back down again. I think I'm just going to try the 8-6-4-2 diet and see how that treats me. Hopefully I'll be able to keep my intake relatively low on vacation. I would love to lose a couple pounds just walking around NYC and on the cruise!

Weigh-in tomorrow. I'm nervous again. I really don't feel like I've lost that much. I need to be under 134 lbs this time- I want to be 132 lbs tomorrow morning. I MUST be 125 lbs by the time I step on that cruise ship. I leave for NYC this Tuesday and hop on the ship on Saturday, which gives me 8 more days counting tomorrow. I must be thin! I want to love the beach and the pool, not avoid it at all costs. My tummy is still flabby, which makes me super sad. I need to keep doing extra situps and such, even when I am so darn sore.

Shoot me some luck, dear skinnys! <3

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Food Porn

You know you're rather messed up when you enjoy watching food commercials and counting how many calories are in that said commercial. Let's just say, Olive Garden is for very large Americans who wish they were Italian.

That said, intake was pretty good today. Breakfast- I know, I caved this morning- 1 banana (100). Lunch- 1/2 cheese sandwich (150). "Special treat"- with mum- 1/2 small Georgia Mud Fudge blizzard from DQ (330). Supper- salad and berries (50). Total intake for today: 630 calories. I'm rather pissed that it's more than my 500 max for today. I should've made sure of the calories on that damn Blizzard! I was thinking around 250 calories for half, not 330! Jeez, that is a load of calories in one whole small blizzard. No more Dairy Queen for this still-fat girl!

Went to Walmart today and bought one of those 10 minute solution DVDs- the dancing one. I figured since I am a really unskilled dancer and I can keep focused for at least 10 minutes and wanted to pick up a few sexy moves for the cruise, I thought this would be perfect for me. I AM IN LOVE! This is probably the best workout DVD I have ever bought! The moves were challenging, yet at the end of the 10-minute segment, I could get most of the moves down quite well. There are 5 different dance workouts on the video. I did two today and would have no problem doing the same two tomorrow (though I may just have to try some different ones). I was breathing fast towards the end and I was sweating a bit, but I'm thinking that 10 minutes may be too short to burn a ton of calories. Toning on the other hand, is very much encouraged in the DVD- each move focuses on the core and tight legs- yay! So far, I love this video!

I have a doctor's appointment and a CT scan for some pains I've been having in my ribs/right side. Hopefully, there won't be anything wrong there, just overstretched or muscle spasms. Bonus though, I have to fast before and my scan is at 12 o' clock. I'm going to try to convince mum that she should eat during the hour of my CT scan. Then I won't have to eat lunch! Or else, I'll just tell her that I want a small small side salad from where ever we eat. I'm going to try to stay at 400 calories or less tomorrow. Weigh-in tomorrow maybe? Stay Skinny!

Tuesday, July 6, 2010


....was absolutely fantastic! I increased my intake today to make my metabolism jolt somewhat for tomorrow. Zero breakfast. Lunch: breadstick (100), 2/3 rigatoni dish from Fazoli's (450). Dinner: hotdog with bun (200), chocolate mouse (100). Total intake today: 850 calories. Tomorrow, I will back down to 500 calories, then the next day around 300 calories.

Stepped on the scale today....
134.8 lbs!
My BMI even dropped from 25.1 to 24.7. Hurray!

I was so pumped for the majority of this morning after that weigh-in. I lost an average of 1.2 lbs a day over a two-day period. Pretty damn good, if I do say so myself.

Went to Target after my doctor's appointment. Bought a pair of size 5 shorts! Size freaking 5! I currently have all 7s and a few 9s in my closet. I felt so great. I barely ever wear shorts! I am so pumped. I think I'm still hovering on that edge of 5. It's like I'm too small for a 7, but still too big for a 5. It just makes me want to work all the harder at this!

I'm going to turn on one of my recorded episodes of America's Next Top Model and work out for an hour or so- stretching, ab moves, jumping jacks, the works- pretty much strength training.

Stay strong my lovely skinnys! <3

Monday, July 5, 2010

Please Don't Feed the Models

Breakfast consisted of half slice toast (50), 1/4 tsp of jam (15), egg with ham pieces (60).
Snack: 7 almonds (35)
Supper consisted of: tiny portion of steak (50), 1/2 roll with jam (60), 1/2 cup rice (50), iced tea (50), sliver of fudge (25).

Grand total for the day: 345 calories! SUCCESS!

I feel so light today. This is just a wonderful feeling- I have so much control right now. My parents offered me fudge on three different occasions, but I refused until the fourth offering at dinner and then had only a small piece. Half a piece of toast is fantastic too- I usually eat a whole piece, maybe even an extra half after that. I don't know how, but I resisted licking my fingers after putting chocolate silk pie (my ultimate weakness) into a smaller container and did not have the other half of my roll.

I told my mum to grill hot dogs tomorrow just because I hate them and will thusly only eat salad for supper. My goodness, I am just on a total high right now!

I'm doing a bit of shopping tomorrow, though I will do a weigh-in first thing in the morning. I am so hoping for that 135 lbs. I hope I haven't gained too much muscle weight- I've been doing an hour or more of toning the past few days (jackknifes are the BEST!). Shoot me some luck that my weight will be down and the clothes will fit nicer too. I kind of want to buy a second swimsuit just so I have some variety on the cruise.

I looked at my thighs today- really looked- and....I've gotten thinner! There is very little cellulite left (thank you, Nivea "goodbye cellulite") and they just look more toned and smaller. Ohmygoodness! My cheeks are no longer filled with fat, but actually have some definition in the cheek bones- even better!

Stay strong, skinnys! All of our hard work will pay off! We'll make heads turn!

Sunday, July 4, 2010


Add another 120 calories to my intake from one cookie (50), 1/2 cup blueberries (50), and one more Starburst (20).

Grand total today: 520 calories!

Where the heck is this new control coming from? I refused a second cookie from my mum, looked away while my mum cut up some fudge and had three whole pieces of it by herself (they weren't big, but definitely over 100 calories together).

I began my little thinspiration scrapbook today. My parents just believe I am being creative. I will have to hide future images that may hint at an ED  being "too" healthy in comparison to my parents. It was so fantastic to be able to use creativity to keep my hands out of the fridge and my mind on thinspo for a very large part of the day.

Just for an update on all of my stats as well:

HW: 149 lbs
LW: 115 lbs
CW: 137.2 lbs

GW1: 120 lbs
GW2: 110 lbs
GW3: 100 lbs

Height: 5' 2"
Age: 18 years

Email/ MSN:

Am I using a pseudonym? Yes. (for now at least)
Will I get some before and after pictures of myself on here soon? Quite Possibly

Favorite Thinspo of the Day

(this final one is probably my absolute favorite!)

Rain on My Parade

First, Happy 4th of July to all of my American readers. I hope where ever you are, it is not pouring as it is here in loverly Iowa.

Secondly, I noticed I have a couple new readers. Welcome! It always makes me feel so much better when the number goes up. Thank you so much for adding to the support.

Third, well the day has been pretty good so far. The weather was crap this morning and so I only got a 12 minute bike-ride in. The wind was so freaking strong! So I ended up coming back inside and working out a bit while watching Fantastic 4 on the television. I only watched about half- if the weather cleared up, I figured I had better be dressed and ready to have some fun with friends. It felt good though and I must've been working quite enough to make my knees feel a little jelly-like as I walked back upstairs. I rather love that feeling.

Intake today has been pretty good considering it is a holiday and the family does like to eat quite a bit on these types of days. 3 Starburst candies (60), one small cheese burger (300), sliver of fudge (25), coffee (15). Grand total so far today: 400 calories. I should probably make sure to vary my calorie intake so my body doesn't get used to super low numbers and then freak out when I eat more than 600.

I was pleasantly surprised this morning with the scale. I only ended up gaining 1.6 lbs over 15 days, 10 of which were spent driving in a car full of high-calorie snacks. So I now weigh 137.2 lbs. I hope to be back down to 135.0 lbs by this Tuesday. I am really shooting for losing one pound per day, but I am so afraid that  I am failing to be realistic. I am dying to lose this weight before Bermuda. I'm going shopping at a huge mall on the 12th and we leave on the 14th. I want to buy cute clothes to wear in both New York and Bermuda. I am so afraid of wearing a swimsuit and looking like a giant white blimp on the ship's deck. Disgusting.

I want to turn heads and be able to flirt freely without having to worry about extra flab or my fat cheeks (which have actually slimmed down a bit).

Stay strong, skinnys!

Saturday, July 3, 2010

The Pondering Stone

I went for an hour-long bike ride this morning at 9:45 am. It was so wonderful. Yes, it did suck going up those hills and I about died because I stupidly forgot to bring water. In the end, the heat, thirst, and burn were all worth it. Roughly 200 calories burned (at the minimum...I didn't count the near constant hills). Biking just gave my day a wonderful jump start!

I had just coffee for breakfast, a cup of pasta for lunch that I made my brother (330), two Starbursts during the day (40), 1/2 cup blueberries (50), 3 cheese slices (100), 5 Triscuit crackers (100). Total calories consumed = 620. Minus 200 calories burned.

Net Total: 420 calories.

I was aiming for zero calories today, but I should have been a bit more realistic. Nevertheless, I am still happy with how much willpower I exerted today. Tomorrow, I will be brave and weigh myself.

My mum gave me a little pocket rock, a "pondering stone", today. It is all black and has the single word "walk" written on it. At first, I was angry that she had given that to me- I felt (and still do a bit) that she was calling me fat. Of course, I just thanked her. But now that I look back, it is my thinspiration. I will carry my little rock with me where ever I go and remember to starve and not eat, to exercise and not sit around. Thanks mum. In telling me I am overweight, you  have alighted in me a new desire to prove you wrong and watch as you gain more and more weight while I become thinner and thinner.

I must exercise even more tomorrow- especially working on my abs and thighs. I feel a new hope within me- one that is beginning to push at the bloated and lazy me, one that will transform me into a young woman who can love herself.

Friday, July 2, 2010


My vacation has come and gone. The family and I set off across 15 states to wind up in Oregon to see the relatives. I started off with a goal to stay at 135 lbs or lose even more weight. I went equipped with thinspo music, knitting supplies, books, pre-calorie-counted foods, and diet pills. Result?

I am stupidfatfuckinglazyretardedidiotbloateddisgustingpiggy......

.......I am a failure.

I am so afraid to step on that scale tomorrow morning. I know I'll have to do it, but I am so scared to see how much weight has come back. I feel in the wiggling of my tummy, see it in the fatty bugles of my thighs that I am back to at least 140 lbs.

I leave for New York and Bermuda 12 days from tomorrow. How much weight can one lose in just 12 days?

I will not eat.

What I do eat I will burn off until I faint or better yet, die.

No breakfast. No lunch. Small supper.

Raw veggies and fruits. Soymilk. Coffee.

I can't be a failure anymore. I can't be fat. I can't be disgusting. I can't have my family looking at my plate all the time. I can't lose my control again.

My scarf unraveled 10 times. I watched 10 movies. I ate snacks every day in the car. I lost complete and utter control every day after that first mistake of a day, my birthday. Funny that it should be on the day that I wanted to weigh 120 lbs that I lost all my control. I lost my internet and so my thinspo and lovely blogging skinnys. I lost contact with the thin world that I am dying to live in once more.

Ana, where the hell are you!?

I need to be at least 130 lbs by Bermuda. Better yet, 125 lbs. Again, how much can one lose in 12 days?

I can't fail. I don't want to be fatlonelyuglystupiddisgustingpiggyunlovedboyfriendless.