Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Becoming: Extraordinary

That word- extraordinary- has been such an emotional word for me. Above all things in life, I desire most to be that word. At times it can reduce me to tears, whereas other times it makes me push just a bit harder against my own percieved limits.

I'm getting stronger.

Friday, June 15, 2012

Witty Title Here ----->

Things have been going well so far. I am still afraid to weigh myself; one more reminder of how wrong my thinking has become. I had a mini panic attack the other day. I had planned on consuming 500 calories or less, but my friends (whom I haven't seen for nearly a year) suggested we go out to Cold Stone for dessert and girl talk. I was okay with that, telling myself that I would just get a kid's sized single flavor with sprinkles. Then, of course, mom made cheeseburgers for lunch again (400 cal) after I had eaten homemade oatmeal for breakfast (100 cal). Fearful, I decided to look up the calories of Cold Stone ice cream. There wasn't a single item on the menu that was less that 300 calories! I panicked. My stomach clenched, my sight became narrowed, and I suddenly wanted to fake being sick so I wouldn't have to go. I went any way. But it got worse: between the three of us, we shared four "Love It" sized servings (it was college night "2 for $5 Love It" special). I failed so miserably. Even thinking about it now makes me want to throw up anything that I have ingested today.

But I can't focus on the past so much. My stomach is growling and I love it. So far, I have had 12 dark chocolate (powder, not dipped) almonds (80 cal). This morning I got up around 7:00 and went to the basement to work out. I completed four circuits of cardio from the Insanity Workout ( I got the idea from the Self magazine website here). I also did seven intense minutes of abs. By the end of the twenty-five minutes, I was pouring sweat. I didn't have enough time to do my weight training on the Bowflex, but tomorrow I will. Theoretically, I should be also to just count off the calories I burned, but 1) I don't actually know how many nor how to calculate them, and 2) I will eat less believing that I haven't burned anything off.

Speaking of burns....I have second degree sunburn on my lower breasts. I was an idiot and took a fantastic book outside to read for half an hour without putting on sunscreen. Before I realized it, two whole hours had passed. It's been about a week and a half since that happened and I can finally sleep on my stomach without severe pain. Needless to say, I will now be content to be pale for the rest of my life so long as I never have to have a bad sunburn like this again.

To keep some brevity, I shall bid you lovelies adieu. Stay strong and be beautiful!

xo Violet

Sunday, June 10, 2012

The Return of Violet

It's been another year of ups and downs- a whirlwind of imperfection and desperation. 

I tried to push ana away and embrace myself, curves and all. It worked for a little while...and then I went up another jeans size and began fearing the warm weather that winter suddenly brought with it.

My friends tried an "intervention" with me during my embrace-myself time. You'd think that they'd have the common sense to know that I was definitely not starving myself during that period. They had a meeting with my Resident Director. It was embarrassing. It made me want to start starving once more.

But that didn't work. Finals came, and with stress came the need for more coffee. With the need for more coffee came calorie-loaded drinks with triple shots of espresso. With those calorie-loaded drinks came another five pounds and size medium t-shirts.

I'm embarrassed to say the weight that my short frame now carries. I don't think I have the courage to post it quite yet. But I can promise that this is a new beginning.When August comes around again and I head back to campus, I will no longer be the shy girl who walked with her head down and was noticed by no one. I won't be the automatic friend-zone. I will turn heads. I will have an opinion that is clearly heard. I will finally be the me that I feel is hidden deep within the confines of my fatten stomach. I refuse to be held back any longer.

I'm finally back, dear ones, and I don't think I'll be leaving any time soon.