Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Day 49- Click Your Heels Together

Interesting day today. We drove through Kansas, Oaklahoma, Texas, and ended up in New Mexico. Spent around 10 hours in the car. I resisted my snacks for the most part- just one bag of chocolate Teddy Grams (120). For breakfast, my dad brought me up a huge tray of food in honor of my birthday. One small banana nut muffin (120), one cup orange juice (120), half a biscuit with gravy (200). For lunch I had a small turkey sandwich (180). Dinner was one salad (85). And then of course, my "birthday cake"- Hostess cupcake (250). Total calories for the day: DISGUSTING.

I added up to 900 calories then just stopped because I am so disgusted with myself. What a shitty food day. And here I thought I was doing so good! No lunch tomorrow, coffee and maybe toast for breakfast, salad for dinner. I feel so gross now. I should have made sure to count all those dumb calories throughout the day. Dammit!

But tomorrow will be a new day. I will be hungry and stay that way.

I REFUSE to gain any weight on this trip.


Monday, June 21, 2010

Day 48- Vocabulary Development

I spent the majority of a 7-hour car ride into Kansas trying to teach myself to knit. At the end of the day, I have managed to knit three rows several times only to rip it all apart. Needless to say, I uttered a few words that my parents did not enjoy. However, despite all the anger management problems I was having, my hands stayed quite busy and out of the snack box (for the most part).

I did end up eating a bit too much today and I'm rather bummed out about it. I made my favorite cappi-coffee mix before we left for the morning (50), had some beef jerky mid-noon (100), ate some fruit trail mix (100), the family stopped at Subway- I had a mini turkey sub (190), I nibbled on some more trail mix (50) and 6 triscuit crackers (120), and finally at 8:30 pm we stopped at Wendy's for "supper"- I had a caesar side salad (170). Net calories: 780. Disgusting. I suppose I should vary my calorie intake to keep my metabolism guessing, but I still feel so gross and bloated. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

I weighed in this morning and was 135.6 lbs. Not too bad, if I say so myself. Though it wasn't my goal of a straight 135 lbs. I'm so worried about gaining weight while I'm on vacation. I'm waking up extra early to put at least 30 minutes in at the fitness center.

Tomorrow's my birthday. It doesn't really feel like it. My mum bought Hostess cupcakes to celebrate. I'll have one so I don't hurt her feelings. It's about 250 calories. That's a meal. Wow. I can't believe how many calories my family so carelessly consumes!

Shoot me some luck, dear Skinnys, that I'll be able to resist the snack box tomorrow and keep my calories down. And maybe master my knitting a bit better ; )

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Day 47- Insist to Persist

Work was pretty good today. Got some awesome tips too! My skirt fit so well today (I work at a fancy restaurant, uniforms required). I had nothing for breakfast and for my lunch/supper at work I had small piece of egg strata (175), mini muffin (50), 1/2 cup of rice (100), delicate pastry (40), cranberry scone (120). I went to a coffee house later on for an iced chai tea with soymilk (100). Total calories for the day: 585. I feel fantastic and empty! I love this feeling. Weigh-in tomorrow morning- I must be 135 lbs on the dot! (or less, if I'm lucky).

I went on my 30 minute drive to the shopping centers and bought some awesome yarn and knitting needles. I'm super pumped to begin learning. I want to make a scarf first, then hopefully progress to making hats, then blankets.

I finally got some more diet pills! I'm trying the Acai Berry Diet pills from Natrol (different than the Acai I am currently trying). I'm crossing my fingers that these pills work and have a bit less jittery effects. I had a bit of a scare at Walgreens though. I didn't really know you had to be 18 to buy certain diet pills. I turn 18 in two days, but the stupid clerk would not let me buy the pills! Thankfully, there was another Walgreen's close by and the clerk decided not to ID me. Hurrah for luck and a bit of persistence.

Well, tomorrow morning I set off for Oregon. Hopefully, I'll avoid snacking so much on the way there. I bought oyster crackers the other day, so hopefully I can munch on those and not the stupid cookies my mum always buys. I'm taking my lappy along with me, but I'm not sure how many hotels have free wi-fi and if I can really even get any internet once I'm with my grandma. But I'll try to get on as much as possible, especially to update on my weigh-in tomorrow.

Hunger is the only thing worth craving!

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Day 46- Ana's Little Black Book

Barnes and Noble has officially saved my life once again! I made a quick trip after work today to grab a couple books for my roadtrip with the family to Oregon. I ended up buying a huge knitting book and a "black book" with a listing of calories for over 5,000 foods and some popular restaurants. I loooooove it! I really didn't realize how many calories were in a breakfast wrap or honey mustard sauce for dipping. Wow! Plus it's just the right size to fit in my purse. Now all I have to do is find a store to buy all my knitting supplies at. Any suggestions?

So I ended up working seven hours instead of five today- from 10 am to 5 pm. I loved it. I had zero breakfast nor lunch. It felt so amazing. It seemed as though I had more energy today from not eating than days when I have eaten a tad for each meal. I am on such a high right now. I splurged a bit for super and now I'm rather full (yuck). I had a turkey and cheese sandwich on rye bread (210), half and half iced tea with lemon (50), one Oreo ball (50), and two cookies (100) for a total of 410 calories for supper. I did end up treating myself a bit too much at B&N with a light soy strawberry frappicino (150) and 1/3 chocolate chip cookie (100). Grand total for the day 660 calories. According to several websites (I went to caloriecount.about.com for a calculator) I burned about 155 calories per hour doing "light cleaning"- dusting, walking, sitting, standing. That sounds like too many calories to me. I need to find an accurate calculator somewhere! For now, I shall say that I burned 300 calories at work today over a period of seven hours straightening shelves and working the check-out lane continuously (we were super busy today....nonstop customers). So that would make my net calorie intake today 360. Not too bad, I suppose. I'm waitressing tomorrow for about 6 hours. I wonder how many calories that will burn off? Where are you, stupid calculator?!

So, I think I'm going to have to work on a few strategies for avoiding eating breakfast and lunch around my parents during the road trip. It's easy to say I ate in the morning when we never sit together to eat. What to do, what to do? Any suggestions?

Well, I'm off for tonight I think. I'm getting rather tired. I think I'm going to pick up more diet pills tomorrow (almost out of Acai). Any suggestions as to what pills work the best? I didn't think the AcaiBerry worked that well- just made me jittery and addicted to the energy rush. (I think tonight is kind of a bit of a suggestion night).

Stay thin!

Friday, June 18, 2010

Day 45- Mail-Order Thinspo!

Today was my final day of nannying. It was stormy all day so the kids and I cuddled on the couch and watched VegiTales and The Incredibles (one of my favorite movies!). It was rather fun. The kids got whiny after a while, but we found enough things to do. I ended up nannying for a total of 36.5 hours this week. The parents paid me $7.25 an hour (minimum wage) and ended up rounding the total pay from $264.40 to a solid $270! Hurrah! Money for college and whatnot. It was a pretty darn good week, I'd say.

I had zero breakfast again this morning. For lunch I nibbled on some blueberries and a few tiny pieces of grilled chicken that I made for the kids. I ended up splurging a bit and having 3 Oreo balls (throughout the afternoon...not all at once). Total for the day: 150 calories.

We're celebrating my birthday early today with pizza, cake, and family at my grandma's apartment. I'm planning on having just one piece of pizza and a small small piece of cake, hopefully 400 calories at the most, though I would like to eat less than that. How many calories are in the average slice of pizza? I've been estimating around 200- is that right?

So good news today! I weighed in this morning and.....I'm at 137 lbs exact! I love the power of the mind. I am aiming to be down to 136, maybe even 135 lbs by Monday morning, though that may be a bit of a stretch.

I decided to place thinspo on my computer and in my room, so I placed an order for a Victoria's Secret magalog. I got the regular issue a couple weeks ago and the swimsuit issue just came in today. Horrah for inconspicuous thinspo lying about my room. Of course my parents would never think to question why I have the magalog- I love VS and PINK, so why wouldn't I want to order things from it? I love looking through the magalog before I go to bed or when I feel like eating something sweet.

I feel like this is really going to be possible! I'm beginning to feel thinner (just a bit). Right now, the only thing I am craving is the feeling of hunger.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Day 44- Baby Weights

I was too exhausted yesterday to post anything, so I apologize. Today was a pretty darn good day. I was thinking last night about my freshmen year when Ana and I were the bestest of friends. I kept thinking and thinking about my hipbones and ribs. I was a tiny size 3 then, nearly a 1. I remember laying on the gym floor and my friend trying to find a soft spot on my tummy to lay her head on-she couldn't find one and then she said "are those your hipbones?!" and then poked higher up and said "and those are your ribs!?". It was the best feeling in the world that my friend thought I was "too skinny". Of course I wasn't. Close, but definitely not thin enough.

So anyway, I was remembering that last night and suddenly a new diet strategy occurred to me- why eat 2 or 3 meals a day? Why not just one? I ate only supper when I was a freshmen. It was the best feeling in the world and worked so well!

This morning, I had my coffee. Lunch I had a handful of blueberries and 1 chicken nugget (25). The kids and I made Oreo balls as our big activity. I ended up caving in and had 5 small balls (250). For supper I had a ham and cheese sandwich (170). I had one glass of chocolate soymilk (110). And that's it. 555 calories total for today! What a big difference from the past two days. I feel so much better! I really hope I am down to a solid 137 lbs tomorrow morning. I think I am going to begin just eating one meal a day with possibly fruit, tea, or coffee for a snack. I love veggies and fruit so supper will consist mainly of those. I don't care for red meat that much and my mum claims it's terrible for my digestion and doesn't want me to eat it, so red meat is now off my plate. I really do believe I can avoid eating chocolate for quite a while- it will be hard, no doubt, but if I can master this then I know I can be thin!

I'm going to make my very own Ana bracelet soon. It shall be my own little reminder of my determination to succeed at being thin. I really want to learn how to knit too. I'm always getting cold, so why not make a scarf or blanket and keep my hands out of any food? It's a win-win situation. Now I understand why plenty of my fellow skinnys knit in their spare time.

I'm going to Oregon this Monday. Avoiding food shouldn't be a problem there. I hate eating in front of my family there. I love them all very much, but they do like to comment on food intake and use words like "husky" to describe someone. I refused to be put into their terrible labels any longer! I will be 135 lbs by Monday at least!

I want to float on air and be thin forever!

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

I Need This Now

Day 42- He Doesn't Like Big Ankles

I was doing so good today. I had eggs and toast for breakfast (130), cantaloupe (50) and a spoonful of meat with cheese (30) for lunch, and some air-popped popcorn (45) with a handful of SweetTarts (100) for a snack with the kids. Total of 355 calories for the afternoon.

Supper didn't go so well.

We went to Godfather's pizza.

It was taco pizza.

Out the chimney with the grease smells went my control. I had two slices of pizza, one taco, the other sausage (400) and a piece of monkey bread (100).

Total for the day: 855 calories.

Status: piece of disgusting lard. I want to cry. Today I even realized that my current goal weight puts me at a BMI of 21. Twenty-frickin-one. That's so disgusting. I need to have a BMI of 19 at the most. How gross and pathetic is that!? Don't bother answering....I already know.

Wow. I feel so gross. I need to find a way to stop my sweet cravings. I want to punish myself. I want to cut away all of my exposed fat until there are only my bones left. I want to poke myself over and over with a thumb tack until I no longer love the smell of even chocolate soymilk. Of course, self mutilation is in the dangerland and I will never go there.

I'm going to do 100 crunches tonight and 50 full sit-ups. I need to work and work until I'm thin. My metabolism is already slowing, getting used to the idea of only 600 calories and not shrinking. I was only down 0.2 lbs this morning- 137.2 lbs. I feel rather depressed that I found this number exciting this morning. Now all I feel is fat and bloated.

No more meat for me and severely limited bread. I like the idea of feasting on salads for a while, at least until I'm 130 or 125 lbs. I'm scared to go back to Oregon...I don't want my family to see how fat I've become. I don't want to be the "husky" girl anymore.

I want to be the winter girl.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Day 41- Nanny Diaries

Nannying today was quite interesting. I am so exhausted, I just want to flop in bed and actually sleep for the "recommended" 9 hours for once. Eight hours of watching two very high octane children is enough for me. Now I just have to go back and do it all again until this Saturday. I'm crossing my fingers that the parents agree on a fair price to pay me. (we didn't agree on one quite yet, though they are quite wealthy and overall nice people). Don't get me wrong, I love watching these kids, but I am tired.

Breakfast was my usual cereal of Honey Nut Cheerios (120). I ate half a turkey wrap with cheese, turkey, and mustard (150). For dinner I had a big salad, snow peas, and a dinner roll (150). Not bad, I'd say. I did end up having two mini brownie cupcakes (150). Total for the day: 570 calories. Much much better than yesterday and I feel pretty darn good about it.

I'm working up the courage to weigh myself tomorrow morning. Good or bad (hopefully not) I'll give you all lovely supporters an update. Shoot me some luck and stay skinny!

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Day 40- Rabbit's Foot

I'm back again. Sorry for the missed day yesterday- work was exhausting. My plan of skipping lunch didn't go so well, but I managed just to eat a cup of salad with light Italian dressing for lunch and dinner. I snacked on 12 almonds when I got home at 9 pm (a bit of lingering cravings left over from my period). So I felt pretty good yesterday.

Weighed myself yesterday morning and discovered I am now 137.4 lbs. Believe me, this is a great achievement! I'm super super pumped. I'll probably weigh in again tomorrow morning or the day after. I really hope I'm down again.

My little brother went to this leadership conference thing over the weekend (had I mentioned that already?). So we picked him up today. While the family and I were there, we were served a nice, big lunch. I ate smallest plate of pre-proportioned salad with the tiniest bit of ranch dressing (they already had the plates setting out for us with the food on it). Then they served us lasagna, garlic bread, and green beans. I ate 1/4 of the lasagna (170), the bread slice (100), and the green beans (15), plus a small cookie bar (100), total of 385 calories. Add in granola bar for breakfast (90) and kid's sub for super (turkey from Subway) (150) for a grand total today of 625 calories. So it's over my 600 calorie limit, but I count today as a success. Though of course my over indulgence of calories will not go overlooked. I'm going to do 100 crunches, 2 minute plank, 50 leg lifts on each side, and 50 thunder thigh squeezes (resistance ring between my knees = crazy work in the thigh area).

I begin my nannying job for the week tomorrow. I will be watching two young kids from 9:30 am to 5:30 pm every day this week (Monday through Friday). I'm super super excited. Since I'll be in someone's house the temptation to find chocolate or other goodies will be nearly nonexistent and watching two energetic kids for 8 hours is sure to burn some calories! I plan on making them healthy snacks- yogurt, carrots, milk, pretzels, etc- and fixing just enough food for them for lunch and maybe a salad for me or veggies.

I was in Sephora the other day and bought Tarte blush stain in Eco-cheek. I love love love it! I look nice and glowy, yet very natural. To top it off, when I was asking one of the pros there, she said the said would look lovely on me with my prominent cheek bones. Yes! I've dreamed of having cheek bones that are strong and lovely, not burdened down with fat. The compliment, however small, made me feel really good and like some of the weight I've lost is beginning to show. 

Why am I in such a good mood today? It feels wonderful!

I WILL be beautiful! I WILL be thin! I WILL be perfect!

Friday, June 11, 2010

Day 38- Tourists are NOT Thin

Well, my fast didn't go so well yesterday. Damn this family of mine for wanting "time together" and not letting me out of the house on my own. Lunch was fine- I had a yummy salad with about 30 calories of dressing (Italian). Then came supper.....

We had pizza.....



I ate 2.5 pieces.......

500 calories. I am FAT.

I hate that I lost my control! I was doing fine, then I ate lunch....and the pizza smelled so damn good
I need my control back! I still feel okay today, less bloated for sure, but now I've really got to step it up a notch.

And then today.....well, we dropped my brother off at some leadership conference at a college campus (for high school students though). Mum decided it would be great to tour the little Dutch shops there.

We stopped at every single bakery. Because of course the official Danish pastries made by Danish people must be the best. I could have eaten everything there I ate too many of course. One doughnut hole, a pillow puff pastry, 3 slices of sausage, 3 pieces of cheese, and two slices of French Toast (breakfast). I was probably way over my 600 calorie limit today. I feel disgusting. I should not have caved into my Starbucks Frappichino. I had a tall caramel, light, no whipped creme, with soy milk. Probably around 200 calories alone. Why can't I control myself?!

I'm working 8 hours at the store tomorrow. I plan on not eating lunch before that, just a small breakfast of cereal. I get a supper break, but hopefully I can manage just to nibble at half a sandwich or something.

I'm nearing my deadline so quickly. I must be thin!

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Day 37- Eating Air

So far, no food intake today. I had my usual cup of coffee and vitamins this morning and that has been it. Just made a big pot of oolong peach tea. Yum yum. I don't want to cave, but I may have a bit of salad for lunch today, just to make sure my metabolism is kicking. Salad is okay, right? Light Italian dressing is only 45 calories and lettuce is probably another 45 at the most, so barely 100 calories total for the day. No so bad.

I'll keep you all posted as the day goes on. I'm trying to escape the house so I'm not tempted to eat at all. Thanks for all the support. I'm sure this would be a heck of a lot harder without all of you to back me up. Thank you.

Skinny Minny shall be my name!

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Day 36- End of the Sentence

I finally got my period last night. Of course, that's not a relief at all, but I was a bit peeved that it wasn't coming on time when I was having PMS 3 or 4 days ago.

Now I'm bloated and disgusting. I was up last night because my cramps hurt so bad. My stomach is so swollen and my face is a bit puffy and tired looking. Ugh. I hate it. It was even worse working on shelves 5 hours today at the store. I had zero energy and just didn't want to be repeatedly climbing that stupid ladder to reach the top shelves. Ouch. I've never had cramps this bad before. I was nauseous all day today (not a bad thing I suppose) so I barely did anything and was in a rather bad mood. I can't help it when my body acts this way.

How come I keep feeling smaller/thinner? Well, except for today of course. I weighed in at 138.2 lbs yesterday morning. I may weigh in tomorrow morning too, but we'll have to see. Does one retain water and such during that time of the month? YUCK.

And to top it off, my breasts ache terribly. So many girls wish to have big breasts and here I am wishing I was not so "endowed". I am a 36D cup size. Gross. They've gotten a bit smaller and I've had to short the band width, but I still have "Hooters" (I honestly could work at Hooters, no problem). I would do anything to have a 34C maybe even a 36B. I don't want to completely lose them, but right now I have to buy my shirts too big just so my chest can fit. I hate it. I can't wear baby dolls tops or flowy dresses. So disheartening.

I needed chocolate so badly today. Though I felt so sick this morning that I only ate half my bowl of cereal. Lunch was just some Easy Mac and half a bag of m&ms (bad!). Dinner was 1/4 breaded chicken breast, 1/2 grilled veggies, and 2/3 cup stuffing (super bad!). All in all though I'd probably say I had around 650 today, not counting whatever I burned off at the store today. It's killing me not knowing if it's even considered physical activity to be stocking and straightening shelves.

I really need to find some good motivation.  I find myself passing the time blogging and looking up thinspo instead of exercising. I feel gross and so out of shape. I need to find some sort of exercise that I love to do or something. I'm excited for the aerobics class, but that doesn't start for another week. I can't handle walking the dog (she's too strong and doesn't listen to me) and I lose interest running on the treadmill.

What to do? What to do?

I need some motivation fast or I fear that I will never reach my goal. I'm so unsure if I can lose 18 lbs in only 13 days. I don't even think that's possible without eating for at least 5 of those days. Tempting.....but can I pull off a fast? I haven't tried a fast for 3 years.

There we go! I made a split-second decision and so tomorrow I shall fast. Just liquids all day. I hope I can do it! I'll be out shopping so hopefully I'll spend my money on makeup and maybe clothes and not have enough for food. I don't think I'll try fasting for more than 1 day at a time for now- it would be all too terrible if I broke it and binged away. So I'll try fast, eat, eat, fast, eat, eat, fast, eat, fast, eat, fast, eat, fast. Or something like that. I'll start with two days of eating carefully between fasts then work my way up to just a day between, then who knows?

I will be thin.

I MUST be thin!

Monday, June 7, 2010

Day 34- Chill Pills

I finally bought a scale of my own today. It was as nice as my new college student budget could allow. It is one of the many scales endorsed by the "Biggest Loser" program- it records your weight and BMI as well as the calorie intake needed to maintain that weight. I rather like the calorie feature, though when I weighed myself as a tester with all my heavy clothes on (sweats, oversized sweatshirt, t-shirt, etc.) it said that I would need to eat 1,900 calories to stay at that weight. LIAR. I would be the biggest cow in the world if I ate that many calories! I hope the numbers will look a bit different when I weigh myself tomorrow (sans clothing) (I was using my bother's scale in the downstairs bathroom before).

I was so bummed out that blogspot was down last night. I had so much to write, but now as the hours grow later and later I find myself searching for things to write about. I want to sleep. But I also just love to stay up late. I read and read into the early hours of the morning just to hear my stomach growl. Is it sad that it does not growl until 1 am? I must be eating too much during the day! It's rather pathetic.

My brother told me today to wear a belt- my pants were too baggy to keep on without one. These were the pants that were nearly too tight at the queen contest nearly two weeks ago. How can I still be losing weight? I haven't been trying nearly as hard as I should be and I feel disgusting all the time. I'm sure the scale will tell me I am fat tomorrow- that the weight has not gone away, but rather stayed the same, or to my horror have gone up.

I don't want to be fat.

I see my face thinning out and I like it. I use a touch of bronzer every day to give the appearance that I have enough guts to roam about in the sun with my bathing suit. How I wish I did not have to fake that. I want to be able to put on a swim suit with confidence, maybe even turn heads in that blushingly good way.

I suppose I should sleep, but maybe I will stay up late again all the same to feel the emptiness I long for each day. In a way, that emptiness tells me there is still hope for perfection. It tells me I can live in my own thin world. Forever.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Day 32- Hide and Seek

I saw Ana at the store today. She appeared as a girl my age. Some many have called her a skeleton, a shadow, or too thin, but I call her perfection. I wanted to be her in every sense possible. She didn't smile, but she was so beautiful. Envy is not a very redeeming quality and yet I envied her so much. I wanted her obvious control and the waif body of a model. I saw Ana and she called my name.

I will follow Ana.

I have been slacking though. I figured working at the store for 5 hours doing shelves would burn enough calories that I wouldn't have to worry about my intake. I ate nearly 1,000 calories yesterday and probably the same today. I feel gluttonous and pathetic.

I have failed to exercise or skip lunch like I have planned. Ugh. There are days during which I want to give up and yet I can't possibly give up Ana. She whispers in my ear like a close friend, egging me onward. I crave that whisper, that ache in my stomach. When I don't have that feeling, the I feel terrible. I haven't felt empty in so long that I don't even feel like I can be perfect. I need Ana. She's waiting for me. Waiting for me to join the ranks of the Winter Girls, and oh, how I want to go.

I will make it there.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Day 29- Thundercats, ho!

Better day today. Though the bloating is really killing me. Instead of feeling shitty all day and purging at the end, I gave in a bit to my temptations and ended up eating around 725 calories. Not bad for PMS- bloating, moody, extreme chocolate cravings. I drank my tea and took a mydol.

I'm weighing myself tomorrow. I know I'm over 136 lbs again, but I can live with that for now. I'm tired of beating myself up over it. I know I can make my goal's deadline- 21 more days and counting down.

And I have finally found the balls to admit something. I am lazy. Of course I wanted this to be easy. I wanted to resist food and take a magic pill and watch the pounds drop off. Life doesn't happen that way. I need to work harder. I'm going to start to focus more on cardio. Running all the way to the mail box and back was a good start (loooong driveway). I think I may have to buy a gym membership, or even drive 35 minutes to the most amazing gym ever at the local college (super nice!). We'll see what happens there. One of my good friends who is a lifeguard is starting some nighttime aerobics classes at the pool. I am definitely in for that! The classes start the 14th and I intend to lose 3 to 5 lbs by then to look slightly less disgusting. (slightly)

I find that drawing on myself is such a good motivator. I write all the names I have called myself of have been called. I use a red sharpie. It looks like blood and somehow it makes me think of who I really want to be. I am beautiful on the inside, but I haven't been strong enough to be beautiful both in and out. I can do it.

Your mind is your ultimate weapon to harness control. You are the only person who can make you be perfect. THIN.