Homework and Symptoms

I did better on calories yesterday, but still not wonderful- probably around the 800s, if not a bit more. I've decided to always redo the days of the ABC that I go over the calorie count, even if it's just by 100. So, today is a 500 calories or less day. So far: 200. Bad bad start I suppose, but let me explain a bit more.

This week is the last week of classes before Spring Break. What do all of my profs do? Pile on the homework! I have two papers, one eighteen page journal, and three exams all this week. I was supposed to get one paper done this morning, but couldn't concentrate at all. Not because I was distracted, but because I simply could not focus.

Is that a symptom of ana? I absolutely cannot focus this morning and am dizzy when I stand up. I don't mind the dizziness actually. It's just that my lack of focus is a potential death of my lovely GPA. Any tips on what you all do to keep focused?

Normailly, I don't get cold either and always have my heat on to the lowest setting. Today, it is running full blast and I am still a bit cold. My fingers and toes were numb for the past two days and hurt like heck.

Sorry, I suppose this is all just a tad bit of complaining. Maybe I'm just tired is all. I don't really know.

Hopefully just an apple for a snack/lunch after class and a small portion of rice for dinner to put me right around 350 calories for the day. Shoot me some luck darlings!

Problems

EDIT: well, after avoiding homework for a good couple of hours, my blog is finally revamped and I'm ready to make it into a new beginning for myself. Update later. 


Well, as you can see, I'm trying to make a new start and create a new layout for this blog. Can you say "epic fail"?

Any suggestions for amazing template sites?

Rumination....

My ex-boyfriend got married last night. It's actually a really weird feeling. I don't know if I'm sad, upset, happy, or unaffected. I keep looking through the photos I have of us together, always happy. I've just been reflecting on the past a lot today now. I'm sitting in my dorm room alone. I don't want to be sad, truthfully I'm not sure if there is a reason to be sad. But I do feel something. Is it loneliness?

I feel selfish, wishing I had someone to share my days with, to rant about how many exams I have this week, and just to be held safe in the arms of someone who might love me.

Maybe if I were just thinner, then someone would love me. Maybe maybe maybe.

Today is a new day. I am beginning the ABC with a fresh start. I know I can do this.

And I will do it for me. No matter how much I wish to be with someone, I must do this for me or else I will never be happy once a goal is reached.

Stay Strong.

Murder, She Wrote.

I sure hope I'm getting my period tomorrow. Or else I'm sure that I have gone crazy.

What have I eaten? How much?

I think the better question would be: what haven't I and is there anything even left?

I'm down enough on myself the way it is that I'm not going to rant about it and seemingly wish for sympathy. I thought about purging. I think I almost did. But that is not a road I wish to travel any longer.

Tomorrow is a new day. Lots of homework to do, tea to drink, and food to avoid. Come Monday, I will rush to my mail box and pray that my diet pills are finally in. I know it seems weak, but I think they are going to be the jumpstart I am really needing right now.

Shoot me some luck darlings. I've dug myself into a hole and have been buried in fat. I'm going to have to find a way out one day at a time.

It's time to stop wishing and start working.

Enter Shamu, Stage Right

Weigh-in Results: 156.8 lbs

Disgusting. Fat. Blubbery. Sick. Ugly.

Etcetera. Etcetera. 

I should have guessed that I would be close to 160 lbs by now from the way that I have been eating ever since setting foot on campus. I don't think I even had control of what I ate. I was never full, never satiated. 

At least this is a good motivator to begin my ABC Diet today. It makes me want to stick to it and lose weight even faster. Today might be rough. I just want to hide in a sweatshirt...maybe I will.

Wish me luck Skinnys! You all are beautiful. 

Next weigh-in: Tuesday morning.

When Eating Makes You Sick, You Know that Ana has Become "Food"

In preparation for the beginning of my ABC diet tomorrow, I decided to consume more calories than usual so the drop to 500 cal would be much more effective. Calorie count for today was: 850 calories. I wanted to scream yuck so badly whenever some form of food touched my lips! You know you're getting in deep when eating a piece of bread with cheese on it makes you feel sick. I actually didn't eat a lot of food, just food in higher calories. Surprisingly, it was really hard to consume all of those calories/food quantity. I wasn't hungry at all the whole day and am now rather queasy. This is good. This is very very good.

Honestly, I figured that it would be hard to dive straight back into Ana, but maybe I was already beginning to subconsciously go there quite some time ago...or maybe Ana never really left in the back of my mind.

My cheeks are slowly thinning out again. I'm amazed that my cheek bones are already starting to been seen, creating a nice little hollow. Maybe I'm just losing the fat in my face first? I can lay at night now and feel the outline of my ribs- I haven't been able to do that for ages. My collar bone is becoming a slight outline, visible if I turn a certain way. I'm ecstatic! I think the ABC is going to knock my sock...fat...right off! 

Well, shoot me some luck my lovely skinnys! Tomorrow I will weigh in for the first time in 6 months (or more) to have an official "before" weight. I'm really frightened to see anything more than 145lbs, but part of me knows it will be closer to 150 (disgusting whale).

Stay Strong.

xo-Violet

A-B-C...It's Easy As 1-2-3

I've decided to start the ABC (Ana Boot Camp) diet! I really want some lovely results, especially since my mom told me that we are having our family picture done in late May. My goal is to be right around 120 lbs (or less even!). I hate putting dates on my goals, but there it is.

I'm actually pretty pumped for this diet. I had only 450 calories yesterday, and that was before I decided today to do ABC. It doesn't sound too hard, especially since all of my classes are scheduled over lunch, so I eat something small for breakfast, skip lunch, and tiny portions for dinner. I hope I'm not jinxing myself by saying it could be quite easy.

I ordered some diet pills last week. Pills are kind of weak, but last time seeing the results from them really gave me a jump start into full-blown Ana, sans diet pills. Ana is always there, but she really doesn't become powerful right away, it's a process.

Sorry this is a short post. I need to begin writing a paper before my 12pm class today.

So, ABC...who wants to join me? I'm starting officially tomorrow!



Stay skinny! xo- Violet

Try Not to Shove Your Words in My Mouth

There's this girl- E.- (I wonder if you remember her from one of my posts...something about laundry in the title perhaps?). Anyway she was the one down the hall who figured out about my ED and decided to "cure" me. She's a recovered anorexic...wants to become a counselor...all that jazz. I must have been having a really shitty day when I confessed about Ana to her and let E push me around, burn BOOKS (which I love books, so that is a bit of a sin to me) that could be triggers, all of my posters, and nearly had me delete this blog (so glad I didn't!).

Well, as nice as she seemed in the beginning, I've come to realize that she is definitely not the same person she was during the first weeks of college...or else I was seeing everything through a rose-colored pair of glasses. I've come to realize that she acts like a total high school spoiled brat cliche, doesn't care about others' wants or privacy, is annoyingly loud, and tries to shove her own philosophies down everyone's throat as though there has been a philosophical famine lasting decades.

It's pretty rare for me to hate being in the same room with a person.
I can barely stand to be in the same hallway as her.

My wing has devotional groups every Tuesday evening. Our theme for the rest of the year is "true beauty". So we've been watching "The Price of Beauty" (Jessica Simpson's show...don't get me started on her...). I actually really enjoy seeing what other cultures view as beauty. I believe that in watching each episode, we should learn to appreciate every culture's ideals and customs, and also take a look at our own ideals. Of course, E. always preaches about inner beauty and being "healthy", claiming that she knows what it's like to spiral into an image problem. That's all fine and dandy except with every episode she made horrible comments about the cultures- she called Thailand's neck elongations (with gold rings) "disgusting"....and that the French models were all "anorexic and ugly". Note, I am not violent whatsoever, but had to clench my hands to keep from slapping her. She is one of the first people I have met who is a true hypocrite. She also went off on another girl (A.) in the room, suggesting that she was anorexic....A is not, she is simply very very petite and works out at the gym every day. I could tell A. was really embarrassed and hurt by E's total lack of perspective.

Did I mention that E is constantly talking about losing weight and exercising all the time? Yeah. While she does that, she continues to criticize anyone who even thinks about working out more than three times a day.

Truly, I could go on and on about this girl named E. Needless to say, we are not friends at all (long story). I really despise hypocrites and just don't want to be in their company at all. She is the type of girl that pretends to be so smart, kind, and mature, but instead has the mental ability and dramatic capabilities of a sixteen year old in high school (or worse). I can't wait until someone finally puts her in her place.

Part of me hopes that that someone will be me.

You're all beautiful. Don't forget to put those hypocrites in your own lives in their place!

xo- Violet

An exert from my favorite book: "Winter Girls" by Laurie Halsie Anderson

 

Little Less Food and a lot More Thinspo

So I'm tempted to give in a bit to my hunger and utter craving for something chocolaty (I think I'm getting my period). Instead of giving in, I have decided to post some of my favorite before and after thinspo and resist eating any more food tonight!

 Look at how much difference just 22 lbs can make!

The before is roughly my body type...I want to be the bottom picture now!

Gorgeous!

This gal went from overlapping thighs to space between her thighs.

Me: desperately seeking ribs like her's. 

Flat and toned tummy.

 Look! In just 1 year she lost 71 lbs. Now that is inspiring!

 I've always wanted to wear a flannel shirt, but my boobs...and now my stomach...have always been too big.

I want to be thin enough to have a tattoo right there. 

---> Truth: I don't want to eat anything else tonight anymore 

An Apple a Day Makes the Fat Go Away

Sorry for not posting an update yesterday. The muscles in the middle of my back were spasm-ing late Saturday night and all day yesterday. I haven't felt pain that bad in a very long time. I could feel the ones around my spine clenching so tight it made it hard to breathe. I'm four hours away from home, and needless to say I was very freaked out. So I spent 2 hours in the emergency room. One x-ray and a bottle of muscle relaxers later and I was back at the dorms and confined to my bed.

So that was my horrifying adventure for yesterday. Intake was shitty...around 800. But I suppose as much as I want to be the girl with the amazing control from this summer, I need to realize it will take time to get there again. However, intake has been wonderful today so far. I had coffee for breakfast. Lunch consisted of a mini box of Fruit Loops (80) plus some soymilk (50). I just ate 3 Triscuit crackers for a snack (50). Total intake today: 180 calories. Not bad, huh? I'm hoping to get by with just an apple for dinner tonight or maybe some oatmeal (150). I don't want to get past (or even close) to the 400 calorie mark.

It might be my imagination, but I feel like my ribs and collar bones are beginning to show a bit more already. I noticed today that my face looks less puffy too, but that may just be the lighting of the room. I'm anxious to see results either way. Silly, yes. But waiting to see results is what keeps me from grabbing food from our community table down the hall (others put baked goods and unwanted foods there).

Stay strong ladies! It feels great to be back!

xo- Violet

Proof

In this case I honestly think that you can't always change who you really are.

The past can't always be put away in a dark corner.

Sometimes ghosts of things past are friends.

I'm hungry.

It's beginning to feel like perfection.

And I'm never going back. 

-Violet

Dear Cupid, Die.

So college is supposed to be a time of coming out of your shell. I think I'm beginning to, but I don't know if it's actually working. I went with a bunch of girls on my wing to speed dating. There were probably 100 people there (which I suppose isn't that much considering campus is nearly 2,000 students, but whatever). Usually I think you're supposed to have 3 minutes per date, but the supervisor shortened it to just a minute. Definitely not enough time to see if you click with someone and then possibly ask for a number or remember a name.

Part of me...the dreamer....would like to think that of all of those guys there, I clicked with at least five. Some were really sweet and funny (others not so much, but we won't get into that!). Checked my email, Facebook, whatever...annnd......a big fat load of nothing. No numbers, friend requests, emails. Wow. I must be an epic fail of ugly fatness. I think I am learning very quickly not to get my hopes up.

I listened to Ana's whispers last night. If only I was thinner, If only I had better clothes. If only my cheeks weren't so big when I smiled. If only I was smart enough to come up with witty things to say. If only my hair was perfect. If only. If only. If only.

Other than speed dating, I did really well yesterday in controlling my eating. I only had supper last night (yes, I said I would fast, but my bestie invited me to go with her and we hadn't hung out in a long time). I had a crispy chicken wrap (300) and a cookie (150) for a grand total of 450 calories yesterday (probably overestimating too). I feel really really good today. Stronger. More determined. I don't think it will be as hard to come back this time.

I've really missed you all. So much more than even I could imagine. 

Much Love, 

Violet

Pull My Trigger (Please)

I'm going to apologize: I've led you all on so many times saying that I'm going to "come back". To say that I've become "weak" is an understatement really. I think I've just become downright pathetic. I've used my ED as an excuse to eat and eat and eat, claiming that I have deprived myself too long and deserve a little extra. I got the extra food, then I got the extra fat that came with it. I claimed that God made me beautiful no matter what the world says and for a while I even believed it.

I was wrong.

I looked in the mirror and for the first time saw the fat, the huge breasts, the chubby face, and the beginnings of stretch marks on the inside of my thighs. I can't imagine that God would make me this way. We discussed the concept of the soul in my Philosophy class the other day. I won't go into details, but maybe our "soul" is the image of God (we are created in the "image" of God). If that is the case, then my body is just a shell, shaped not by my Lord, but by the society in which I live. What is underneath really is what counts and should be beautiful....for God and for the world....but maybe my fatty outsides can be shaped by my own beauty. Surely I cannot take this body to Heaven. We dig up bones all the time of bodies long gone, so does that not prove that our bodies are only Earthly material objects?

I want my soul to be pure and bring glory to God. I want my body to be thin, pure, and bring a new beauty to God and society.

Am I vain? Most probably so. 

Am I already too messed up to care? You bet. 

I tried to lose weight the healthy way, but I think my mind is way too effed up to be anything but best friends with Ana. I laid in bed last night for the first time, listening to her voice and not my own. It hurt, but sometimes you need tough love in order to be better that what you are right now. I think I missed her voice.

I'm fasting today just to prove to myself that I can be the thin young woman I want to be. Tomorrow I will count calories...only 600 calories (Saturday) and 200 the next day (Sunday).

Wish me luck and send me strength. I've been away far too long. And I've missed you all so very much.

Stay strong. Stay skinny.

xo- Violet