Begin Again

I'm back, and this time it's for good.
I love my friends dearly, but they don't understand what it's like to be this fat.
I can't look in the mirror anymore- it's just so hard to do. I've only been trying to be "normal" for two weeks now, but I've gained at least 10 pounds. That's just pathetic and disgusting. All the foods I had been avoiding came parading into my stomach until my thighs rounded out and my stomach swelled. I can't see my collar bones and my cheek bones are no longer defined, but hidden under a fresh layer of fat.
I can't even describe how disgusting I feel.
I'm ready to begin once more. I bought more "SlimQuick" the other day at Wal-Mart. I know pills are "weak", but I need some help this time. They're the type with Hoodia in them, which will reduce my appetite. I plan to tell my friends that my doctor has put me on a liquid diet again because I am having too much inflammation again.
I'm going to work out at the fitness center for a half hour or more every day. I need to start with baby steps, but I hope to begin running soon on my own. I hate to run, but I know it will make me so much thinner.

Thank you to all that have stuck with me during this time. I even gained 4 new readers during my absence! Thank you all so much. You all mean the world to me and help me get by every day.
I'll post again tomorrow.
And the next day.
And the next.
I won't leave you all ever again.

Stay strong and begin anew.

Much love, Violet.

Once Upon a Time....

Once upon a time, there was a girl who was fat.....me.

One day, the girl came to the realization......

that there really was a thin girl living inside of her,

She was just stiffled by cookies, junk food, and sweatshirts.

In the middle of the night, a lovely, thin woman appeared to her....Ana.

The two worked together to make the girl thin and pretty.

Food became the enemy.

Count the calories.

Purge the excess.

Run.

Starve.

Starve.

Starve.

That was it. 

That was all the girl wanted.

But of course, not everyone could see that the girl was right.

She was convinced to eat.

She ate and ate and ate.

Chips.

Cookies.

Soda.

Pimples.

Fat.

Loser.

Back to the beginning.

She was fat again, a build-up of space.

Disgusting.

.......

Erase.

My.

Name.

Erase.

My.

Curves.

Erase.

My. 

Flaws.

I.

Will.

Be.

Thin.

Again.

Don't Get Lost

I'm coming back again. This "recovery" thing I can't handle right now. I don't know if I even want to try it again.

Wait for me.

Love, Violet

I'll Do My Own Rewiring

Thank you ladies for all the lovely comments on my last post. I love you all so much!

I've decided to stay. Recovery is most definitely not for me right now. However, I will make an attempt to be a bit more "healthier". I plan to eat between 500 and 800 calories every day and burn at least 300 calories at the gym. I figured working out and eating a bit more is better than sitting around and starving myself. I actually may burn the fat a heck of a lot faster this way!

E and I went to the gym today and I ended up burning 324 calories on the stair stepper. It felt so dang good to sweat all this fat out of my body! I had an intake of around 1,000 calories today, but with the exercise, my total intake is down to 700 calories. Woot! Look how much better that is already. The best part? It only took me half an hour to burn all those calories- imagine what I could do in an hour!

So in other words, I'm staying here. I'll keep up with my posting and when the going gets tough, I'll just get tougher!

And I really do love E dearly. I know we're going to be best friends. I don't have the heart to tell her that I'm not going to recover yet (partially because I know she will want me to get some therapy like she did and partially because I know how disappointed she will be). We're going to work out and be "healthy" together- I'll just keep losing weight in the process. I think I will try to convince her to let me have one pair of jeans back (she doesn't know I stole back a pair already). I really need to have them back- I know I can fit into them by October!

I promise a weigh-in soon (I'm dying to know my weight right now). I just need to find a good place to do it at that's slightly private and not carpeted like my dorm room.

Have a fantastic day tomorrow, Skinnys!

Love you all! <3 Violet

Laundry and Confusion

I don't know what I have done. I'm am frightened, to be honest. I told someone. I broke my number one rule and told a girl on my wing, E., about my ED. Should I regret this or feel so relieved?

It was two nights ago. She is an incredibly smart and kind gal. I should have known that she would have caught on to me sooner or later. Turns out, she "battled" Ana for 4 years, with a couple relapses and is now recovered. She was telling me her story and out of the blue I started crying so hard and confessed how fucked up I really am and scared shitless of ruining my life with Ana. I couldn't stop blabbing. She was so kind and just held me and cried with me and told me that if she could recover, then so could I. We prayed together with her roomie and her guy best friend, D., who actually struggled with Ana during middle school and high school as well. It was a really emotional night for me. We burned my thinspo pictures, my journal, my trigger books, and pictures I saved from when I was at my thinnest. I gave her my favorite thin jeans and she says we're going to donate them to a homeless shelter. I can't believe what I have done.

Where do I go from here?

I stole back a pair of my jeans already and I am planning to skip dinner tonight and have an intake of under 600 calories today. Part of my wants to recover and live "normal" again, and yet a bigger part of me wants to keep getting thinner, to reach my goals.

I'm fucking scared right now. I don't know if I can give this up.

I promise I won't disappear. Not just yet.

Maybe I'll be able to think more clearly after sleeping for a while and waiting for my period to end.

Does Talking Really Help?

It's late and I'm having trouble focusing tonight. I binged terribly today. I feel so sick, fat, bloated, and disgusting. I got my period today. It's probably the cause of my binge, but I still feel like such a failure. I want to die so badly right now. I want to rip out my insides and staple it back up with barbed wire.

For the Record

Hmmm....T visited my dorm last night after he got back from studying at the library all day. Maybe I was wrong about him? Either way, I'm content to be where I am relationship-wise.

Have a fantastic day, Skinnys!

<3 Violet

What Doesn't Hurt

I love the feeling in my stomach now. It's a thing called emptiness. If I didn't love God so much, I would say that emptiness is almost a thing of worship to me. Doesn't that sound terrible? I'm sitting here sipping my diet Canada Dry, knowing that I've only had an intake of 450 calories today. All of my friends and wing-mates are at the cafe right now eating dinner. Even A, who I am still convinced is anorexic too, is at the cafe eating. But I am strong. I sit here and do not eat. It feels good.Oh, so good.

Thank you all for your lovely comments from my last post. I am so happy to be back and more on track than ever before. Your comments keep me going every day when my neighbors offer me cookies or candy. I love to be able to have the power to say "no" or make only pre-calculated "yes"s when I have a few more calories available to take in.

I'm pretty sure T is a total player. I think just being in a new environment with people I have never met and boys who actually look at me and wish to talk more has made my mind clouded with silly crushes and girlish fantasies. It's almost embarrassing to realize that I have let myself slip into my naive self that existed in high school. So for now, I need to find my own contentness in myself and where I am at right now. T can text me or see me if he wishes, but I will not make the first move. Nope. Not me. If he wants to see more of me, well, he knows what room I'm in and when visiting hours are.

I love independence.

Stay strong, my lovely girls!

Lots of love, Violet!

Someday My Prince Will Come

My lovely Skinnys! I've missed you so so so much! I apologize profusely for not posting for what seems like ages. College is by far much more busier than I have anticipated. So now I am back and it's time for a wonderful update.

I have been doing FANTASTIC. Really. Getting out from under the watchful eye of my parents is a total blessing. No one here questions what I eat or how frequently I do so. I am free to choose to either eat or not eat anything at all. It's so wonderful and I've already lost weight.

The first day, driving and move-in day, I only had 250 calories. I drank an Ensure before leaving in the morning, had coffee and water during the entire 4-hour drive, and only had dry lettuce leaves and fruit when we arrived. (raw fruits and veggies are my safety foods)

The second day I had around 400 calories, the next 600 calories, then 400 calories, and then today I've had 50 calories so far. I feel absolutely fan-freaking-tastic! I almost feel like I'm cheating right now because it is all becoming so easy.

My roomie is super super awesome. Yes, she is quite overweight, but it is due to side effects from a medication. So she is trying to lose weight, eats all organic food, cannot eat pizza or bread, only drinks soy milk, and is a coffee junkie. We are the perfect match for each other! There is hardly any junk food in our room (the stuff that is is hers) (actually, all of the food in the room besides my Ensure, soymilk, coffee, and oatmeal are hers so I never touch it).

I feel so alive here! I am attending a private Christian college and it is such and incredible place! There are at least 2 girls on my wing who are very much ana. I love them both, but am just scared of trying to ask about why they're so thin (99% positive they're pro-ana). For now, I shall just envy how tiny they are and hope that as we become closer, we can open up more and support each other.

For the first time in a very long time guys are paying attention to me. I've made so many new friends, both guys and girls. There is this one guy, T., who I really like and seems to really like me back. I'm super scared of moving too fast and having my heart broken, so shoot me some luck and keep me in your prayers (it's okay if your not religious though : ) ) We're going together to a concert by an indie rock band tomorrow evening here in town. I'm really excited. I'm just hoping that I'm not reading the signs wrong. Several girls on my wing have commented that he seems to really really like me. We'll just have to wait and see I suppose!

I'm going out with A (my roomie) and her grandparents tonight for dinner. They've been really wanting to meet me and tonight was the perfect date to do it. I'm just hoping I'll stick with a salad or something super healthy. I know I can resist!

I can see a bit more than just the outline of my collar bones now. They look so lovely and I can't wait for more. One of my friends gave me a piggy back ride and exclaimed that I was all muscle. I sat on another girl's lap when we drove to a local sand volleyball court and said that I had a very bony butt. T even commented on my arm muscles (hardly any fat left there now!).  All in all, everyone seems to think I'm so thin. I can't wait to see their reactions when I'm 120 lbs, then 110 lbs, then 100 lbs! I haven't had a chance to weigh-in for a while since my room is carpeted and the bathroom tiles are super uneven. But I know 've lost some weight in the way my clothes look and fit and just how I feel in general.

Sorry for the length of this post darlings! I've had so much to tell you about the past couple days. I'll end now, especially since I need to finish up my psych reading for tomorrow. I promise I'll be back soon and start commenting once more on your blogs.

Stay strong, lovelies!

Love, Violet

I'm Coming!

Sorry sorry sorry darlings!

College is much more busy than I thought- especially all this orientation crap.

I'm going to find time for a nice big post tomorrow and take the time to comment on everyone's blogs. Sorry for the rather large delay.

On the plus side, not eating in college is so freaking easy! >.<

Much love, Violet <3

Ready? Set? Thundercats, Go!

So I figured I'd have a heck of a lot more time to write an update for you all, but it's already 10:20pm, I have a cold, and need to leave at 8:00am for my four hour drive to college.

Needless to say, I'm super super pumped! The car is finally packed and I have 3 mixed CDs to play the whole way.

Intake was shit the past two days- 800 one day, 1200 the next. Today was much better with just 600 calories. Hopefully I'll have 400 calories or less tomorrow- yay for no snacking while driving!

I can't wait to walk all over campus, work out at the fitness center right across from my dorm, and meet awesome new people. I'm feeling a bit more confident, though my weight is now hovering around 134.6 lbs (weighed in about 3 days ago). I know my goal was to be under 130 lbs and I fucked up majorly, but I'm not going to beat myself up too much about it. I know I can be 120 lbs by September 1st- 12 days. Or is that impossible to lose that much in so little time? Shit. I'll quit being lazy and actually workout a crap ton and see where it gets me. Cross your fingers!

I'm looking for some trigger books to start reading. Now that I'll finally be out of the house, I'll be able to have those books without stirring up any suspicions. Got any suggestions?

Stay strong, lovelies!

Kiss kiss, Violet <3

Promise

Hey lovelies! I promise to get an update in here tonight. Sorry for the rather large gap in the posts. 

<3's Violet

Counting Down

Thanks, darlings for the kind comments after last night's binge-fest. I don't know why, I just could not stop eating all day after work. I felt so sick and terrible and was still super full this morning.

I went out to eat at Perkin's with my favorite aunt and mum today. I tried tried tried to eat super light. I wasn't the biggest success, sadly. Peaches and creme muffin (450), 2 eggs (100), potato crepe (100). Total for the day: 650 calories. Well, it's a hell of a lot better than probably the 2000 plus calories from yesterday (I couldn't even bear to count it up...it was bad). I still feel gross and fat once again.

Today was my final day of work at the grocery store. It went by super fast and my boss asked me to come back and work again next summer. If I don't find a different much more splendid job by then, I just might take him up on the offer.

I move into college this Friday- just 3 more days. I am so freaking excited! I bet I'll be able to lose the weight much more easily since I'll be walking to classes, have a gym right down the side walk, and not have to gaze longingly at all the fatty disgusting food my mum buys nearly every day (candy bars and whatnot). I know I can do it!

I'm going to force myself to do a weigh-in tomorrow. Hopefully, the numbers will be down, or at least just maintained at 135 lbs. I don't think I could possibly bear to weigh any more than that. I want to try to fast tomorrow. I'm cleaning my room tomorrow morning, having coffee with grandma in the afternoon, and having a movie night with my friends in the evening. Hopefully, I'll manage to stay out of the kitchen or even out of the house enough to avoid eating food. Shoot me some luck, Skinnys! I haven't attempted a full fast in years, so we'll see how this turns out.

Stay strong, my lovely girls!

Much love, Violet <3

The Binge Monster Is a Creeper

I fucking pigged out today.

Seriously?

Really don't want to talk about it.

Idiot.

I'm so damn tempted to abort my food baby via purging a la tooth brush.

Loser.

Weakness.

No. Stay strong.

Please?

Bad. No.

Fuck.

And So On.

Well I am definitely an emotional eater! I shouldn't say that with an exclamation mark as it could be mistaken for enthusiasm, but whatever.

Anyway, I did decent for intake today. I did manage to stay at 300 calories total, but binged on a huge-ass cookie after my asshole of a manager had me go on a dinner break at 3:30pm- I worked from 1 to 9pm. I was so freaking pissed that I just grabbed a cookie when I got home and ate it all in anger. Bleh. I am such a fat ass sometimes (well, most of the time really). But working the 8 hours that I did, I know I burned it all off, so I feel a bit better now.

I'm working at the resturaunt tomorrow, but hopefully I'll be to tired to actually eat a ton. I'm going to try to just go for the veggies and maybe one small slice of French toast.

Countdown to college is now 5 days. I am so freaking pumped! I have nearly everything I need.

So I guess this is going to be a short post since I have to work again tomorrow and am having trouble typing the right words.

Goodnight all!

Much loves, Violet!

WWTD?

What Would Twiggy Do?

I keep asking myself that question every time I pick up something that I could possibly eat. I love Twiggy dearly- she is most certainly one of my favorite super models by far. 

Weighed myself this morning- 135 lbs. FAIL! Part of me thinks it is a tab bit of muscle development- I've been doing a ton of crazy situps and lunges- but for the most part I'm sure it's me just losing control and getting fatter every day. I've been feeling very very binge-y lately and it bothers me. I got my period during camp- it was 2 weeks early and sucked so bad- so I'm really hoping that I'm not getting it again. I would probably die! I know it's probably not healthy by anyone's standards, but I really want to get rid of my damn period. I want to be so "underweight" that it stops altogether. My goal is to have a BMI under the "normal"- to do this I must weigh 100 lbs. This is my ultimate goal. As of now, I'm still working towards weighing under 130 lbs a week from today when I move into college. The next goal is to weigh 120 lbs by the first of September. Then I will be 110 lbs (or less, if possible) by the time Christmas rolls around. By the summer of next year I hope to be 100 lbs. 

So I've obviously need to get cracking on my intake. I'm going to try to stay at 300 calories or less the next couple of days. Tomorrow should be easy since I work from 1pm to 9pm. I won't eat breakfast, or else I will just have applesauce (I don't count fruits in my intake unless I know they're super high in calories) and have an Ensure shake during my dinner break. Total: 250 calories. 

On a super happy note, I cleaned my closets out today (I have two small ones) in preparation of moving to college. I feel so good about getting everything organized, neat, and ready to go. I saved several pairs of my favorite jeans from my freshmen year- all are either size 3 or waist size 27 (I think that's the same size?). So I decided that before I go buy a couple new pair of jeans (my size 7 skinnys are now officially too big!) I would see just how badly my size 3s would fit. At the end of May, I could not even fit my legs into the jeans and now I can easily put them on and BUTTON THEM ALL THE WAY UP!!! Sorry for the all caps, but I am so freaking pumped! I have just a tiny bit of love-handle disgusting fatness poking over the sides of the jeans, but hot damn! I can fit into a size 3 once again. I won't say I'm a 3 officially- I know I need to be around 125 lbs for that- but this makes me feel so dang good! I am not buying any new pairs of jeans for the fall, so I have to get my weight down to fit into those lovely size 3s. I am so hitting the gym after my noon classes when I get to college!

Hope you all are doing wonderfully. Stay strong because in the end it sure as heck pays off!

Much love, Violet <3

Addition: Thanks and Whatnot

Wow, 6 new followers from when I left for camp! I am so humbled- thank you all so much.

Additional thanks to those who waited out my messed up comment system and took the time to keep trying until it finally worked. Your comments made me feel one heck of a lot better.

Special shout-out to MadCooke (author of the blog "Chubby Girl" http://deathlydiet.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2010-08-05T11%3A09%3A00%2B10%3A00&max-results=7) she went out of her way to make a whole post on her blog for me when my comment system wasn't working. What an amazing gal she is! I felt so dang awesome after I read her post for me. She totally inspired me to keep going after I binged with her words: "You only fail when you stop trying". I've never thought of all this dieting that way. I feel better now every day since reading her post and I know that I will make my goal weight as long as I never stop trying. Thank you, MadCooke, I would probably be completely lost and down without you. <3

Hit the Return Key

So now I am officially back from my colon camp. I had a fantastic week and loved each and every one of those kids with every fiber of my being- I honestly didn't know I could love that much. These kids are just so incredible and have definitely changed me during that single week.

I made some new friends. Cuddled with an old friend, L., at the camp fire and caught up after a year of being apart. Avoided the stupid ex- P., even though he wanted me to sit with him a couple times. Flirted with C. and became really great friends this year. And really just had a blast overall. I could honestly tell the difference in the way people are seeing me with all this weight loss. C and I had a great time together too. :) Last year we just kind of acknowledged each other and whatnot, but now that I've moved on from being a camper to a counselor, we really connected and flirted somewhat. Yes, yes, I know camp relationships don't always work out (trying to forget stupid ex), but it was fun just being around C and getting to know him more. Who knows what may happen? :)

However, food intake sucked majorly. I lost plenty of my control, especially when I couldn't make oatmeal again and again. Having food placed right in front of me, waiting to be dug into is so damn hard. So I'm sure I've gained that 5 pounds I lost right back in the same amount of time I lost it. Fuck. But now I'm back and ready for business!

I'm going to force myself to step on the scale Wednesday morning. Tomorrow, I'll save myself the pain, but I need to know on Wednesday. Wish me luck that I really didn't gain those 5 pounds back and I'm worrying over nothing.

I move into my college in 12 days. Wow. Can I lose 5, maybe 10 pounds by then?

Stay strong, Skinnys!<3

Guess Who's Back?

Camp was so awesome.

But it feels good to be hungry again.

Will post a nice big  update tomorrow <3

Catch-up Time!

Yesterday's Weigh-in Results: 132.6 lbs

Heck, yes! I was so dang pumped when I stepped on the scale yesterday. I really can't believe I've been losing around one pound a day. I feel oh, so much much better! I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow before I leave for camp, though I don't know if I'll get time to give you all an update or not, but hopefully I'll be down to around 130 lbs  >.<

I worked 9 hours again at the grocery store today. I felt pretty good, not too dizzy though I did have quite a lack of energy. Solution? More caffeine!

So I probably won't be on until a week from tomorrow. I'll still be reading and leaving comments for you all on my itouch (if I can get some wifi up in the lovely Minnesota wilderness). The next time I post, I hope to be under 130 lbs.

Stay strong, Skinnys! <3

Cookies and Spandex

Instead of working just 7 hours at the store today, I worked 9 lovely hours. For the first time I was able to actually work outside the store and sell baked goods. My town was one of the stops for RAGBRAI, which is basically a huge bike ride across the state of Iowa in which thousands participate. It's quite a remarkable feat for those who bike the entire path.

For the first time in who knows how long, I was hit on by 5 different men. It was the weirdest thing ever. Some of them were more than slightly drunk, yes, but it still makes me feel a bit better, especially after that stupid binge last night (I apologize for my language in that post by the way- I think I even lost a reader because of it- sad day). My esteem has been boosted a tiny bit for the moment.

My intake today was under 300 calories. I had soymilk and oatmeal this morning (160), strawberries during lunch time (50), and a slice of rye bread with peanut butter (80). Grand total for the day: 290 calories. I feel oh so much better after last night's idiotic blunder! Weigh-in is still tomorrow morning. Cross your fingers! I don't feel like I've lost that much weight since Wednesday. I'm shooting for 133 lbs or less!

Random note...is my comment system working? I've been messing with my settings and I'm not sure if I tweaked something wrong or not. Maybe everyone's just silent. If something is wrong though, shoot me an email!

Stay strong, Skinnys!

What Starts With an "F"?

Guess who is a fucking fat piece of shit and decided to binge on not 1, not 2, but 3 fucking pieces of stuffed crust supreme pizza? This fat girl right here! And then in my weakness I purged everything. I feel sick, both physically and emotionally. My stomach aches so damn much and I feel disgusted with how little fucking control I had. I can't believe how stupid and fat I really am. I will always be a fat girl no matter how fucking hard I try!

Tea Time!

Weighed myself at 9:05am before any liquids had gone down my large esophagus....134.8 lbs! My collar bones are now slowly, slowly beginning to come out of their fat-induced coma to greet the world at last. I can count a couple ribs too, though not enough to be described as thin.

I had hazelnut latte oatmeal this morning along with a cup of coffee. Lunch/dinner I had banana bread oatmeal with a dash of soy milk and a chopped up banana. Yum yum!

Bought some Ensure bottles today. I need to take them during camp or else the silly doctors there will make a fuss and try to force more food down my throat. There are 250 calories per bottle, but I only need to drink one a day. On the plus side, each bottle has a ton of fiber, protein, and vitamins. Hopefully they don't taste too bad. I got chocolate of course (I should really kick that chocolate habit).

I'm heading to work in about 45 minutes. Oh, joy. I'll be on shelves for 3.5 hours, but I suppose I should just think about the exercise I'll be getting in the process of doing tedious, boring work. And the pay check...I should probably think about my lovely paycheck. Textbooks are way too expensive!

Well, I should probably drink some more water and tea then get ready to work. Shoot me luck that I won't die of boredom! Hopefully I'll be 130 lbs by Sunday! next weigh-in: Friday!

Full?

First off, wow! Two new followers! Thank you and welcome to my humble little blog.

Second, well, I'm still loving this liquid diet. At least as much as one can love constant liquids. Yesterday was awesome and I managed to mostly drink drink drink and only gave in to one spoonful of peanut butter (protein). Today wasn't so awesome, but I managed to stay under 800 calories for the day (500 yesterday!). I had oatmeal for breakfast again, a small soup for lunch, and had some frozen custard for dinner with some friends. I should not have had that ice cream- one because it's way too high in calories, and two I'm allergic to milk in the first place so my tummy is feeling rather off right now.

Other than that....I feel...full. It's such a weird feeling. I feel almost a bit sloshy and I know I really didn't eat that much, but my tummy is definitely full. It's such a weird feeling! I'm not sure if I like it more than clean and empty though.

I work 3:30-7pm tomorrow evening so I'll miss supper. Hurrah for that! I'm hoping to intake 500 calories at most, though I'm aiming for just 300 calories tomorrow- that's two packets of oatmeal, so I'll be doing pretty dang good hopefully. Shoot me some luck, Skinnys. (and I hope my pictures posted a day or so ago didn't disgust you too much- I should probably take them down).

I promise to do a weigh-in either tomorrow morning or Thursday morning. Goodnight goodnight!

I'm In Love...

...With this website! 

You enter in your age, weight, daily calorie intake, activity level, and height. 

It then tells you how much you will weigh on certain dates if you keep up with the said intake and activities.

AMAZINGNESS! 

http://www.losertown.org/eats/cal.php 

Morning, Sunshine

So far, so good for this morning. I've had two cups of coffee and am now working on my second large cup of water (around 16 oz possibly? I'll have to measure it). I'm feeling pretty good about this. Even though I can still see the globs of fat on my tummy and thighs and pull at the extra skin on my arms, I am beginning to feel like floating. Maybe it's just the burst of caffeine or the euphoria at starting a new diet. Maybe it's something else- maybe it's the fat slowly, but surely dissolving, the dimples on my thighs and tummy disappearing. 

I hope this diet works. I just feel like I'm going to really be able to stick to it, especially with my mum already making sure I'm keeping to liquids to "heal" my colon. Hopefully, I'll be able to lose weight and get my stomach well enough not to begin infusions of Remicade. Shoot me some luck!

Plan of Attack

I'm quite serious about this liquid diet thing. Starting tomorrow, I will be having mostly liquids. I have looked through multiple sources and have decided that every once in a while on my high calorie allowance days I will allow myself a banana or oatmeal. These are foods allowed commonly in liquid diets, thus giving off the illusion to my parents that I am still trying to maintain "healthy" calorie levels. Frankly, I'm excited to do this!

Work was fine today. Super super busy, but I made plenty of tips. I made $26 from a table of 7 alone! Too bad we had to split the tips between four girls or else I would most certainly have had the highest amount. Oh, well. I still earned quite a bit today. :)

I learned my housing and roommate assignment for college this fall. I get the only air-conditioned dorm! Yes yes yes! I hate being overly hot, especially when I'm sleeping. Also, this is the only dorm on campus that is being converted into co-ed due to the remodeling of one of the men's dorms. I'm attending a private Christian school, so this is a big step for them. I'm quite excited though! And I'm most certainly not worried about being raped or something terrible.

My roomie seems super nice, but she is definitely over-weight, near obese. Don't get me wrong, I'm not being shallow or anything- she really is cool- I'm just afraid of her eating a lot in the dorm room and offering to share every piece of food with me. I'm hoping I'll just be able to say no every time and our eating schedules will be totally different. I'm so nervous about that. But I am so blessed that she is a very kind gal and hopefully we'll get along well together.

Shopping for dorm supplies is awesome. I'm hoping to get out of the house for a while to shop for more things, all the while avoiding the temptation of food. I want to lose 5 lbs before camp starts this coming Sunday- August 1st- in just 7 days. Is that possible? I wonder if I'm just making my binges more frequent and disappointment more prominent by setting such high goals. I don't know if I can make it, but I sure as hell need to try. I'm tired of being fat.

I best be getting some sleep now. The less sleep I have, it seems like the more frequent I binge. Wish me luck, darling Skinnys, tomorrow is my new day one!

Welcome Back: In Addition

I'd also like to welcome my new readers. I am so flattered that you've decided to push that "follow" button on the right side of your computer screen. I'm not sure if you know how much it means to be. So thank you.

Stay strong!

If you need anything: tiniestbutterfly@hotmail.com

(email/MSN)

Welcome Back

Who can define normal? 

Perfection?

Thin?

I can't right now and I really don't want to.

Ana is my normal. Ana is my perfection. With Ana I will be thin.

Vacation was fantastic. I haven't had a proper tan since I was a child running around the sprinklers all summer long. It looks lovely on me and I do hope it takes a while to fade. I'm not sure when I will have the nerve to get back into a bikini, especially around anyone besides my family.

Sadly enough, I gained at most 1.2 lbs. I weighed myself at 11 am this morning after eating one small blueberry muffin (200) and drinking a large glass of water. I am now 136.2 lbs. Is it sad that I feel relief in those numbers? Is it pathetic that I was so afraid that I was back to 140 lbs or worse when my goal before leaving had been to lose at least 5 lbs? I find it disgusting. Yet I can't help feeling relief.

On the ship, all of our meals were scheduled. Well, 2 scheduled by my parents, one by the formal dining part of the cruise. The breakfast and lunch were buffets of every sort of food imaginable. Surprisingly enough I gravitated toward the vegetarian foods more than the large array of pizza, hamburgers, and whatnot. This proves my theory that if given the selection, I'll choose veggies over meat.

The sad part is that those buffets also contained a large amount of sweets. A whole effing line of tummy thickening foods. Of course I ate some. I am so ashamed to admit it and yet I know that if I don't confess and pretend to be perfect for all of you lovely skinnys, then I would really be an effed up person.

Dinners were three courses served with bread. I didn't eat the bread 2 out of the 5 nights on board. I had salads for the appetizers and mostly veggie dishes for the main course. Of course, those main dishes were pasta, asparagus pie, and other calorie loaded "healthy" foods. And the desserts....I just won't get into that part. I am quite ashamed.

I think the worst part of all that food was that I felt "normal". Ana was pushed to the back of my mind and I felt so damn carefree it was almost scary. I dressed in something other than a t-shirt and my family actually gave me compliments on them. I don't remember the moment I lost my control, but it happened. Vacation is supposed to be a break from reality and the stresses of everyday life. It was for me. It was 10 whole days of fun, food, calories, and silent Ana.

But now I'm back. Ana was waiting for me, whispering,  longing for me to come home. I'm ready to begin again. I don't regret my time away, but I know I must work all the more harder to regain control and find my perfection.

Starting tomorrow, I will be on a liquid diet. My GI doctor wants me to switch to an IV medication for my Colitis before I go to college, but I just don't want to do it. Frankly, it scares the shit out of me. So I talked to my mum and decided that I would try a liquid diet to get my colon settled and hopefully cause my Colitis to go into remission. Perfect. Yes, I want to heal my colon, but at the same time I really wanted to start this diet so I could lose even more weight. Having my mum know and approve of it will be so much easier to do.

I'm going to to store tomorrow to buy juice that I will drink for the first time in months, chocolate soymilk, and possibly some instant breakfast packets. The goal is to drink a ton, but secretly control my intake without my family realizing it. Calories will be 800, 600, 400, 200, fast. The fasting will of course just include water and tea. Once my body gets used to the idea of just having liquids, I won't feel the need to chew on something "substantial".

I work at the resteraunt tomorrow, so hopefully I can get away with eating just veggies there and nothing more.

Shoot me some luck, dear Skinnys. It's good to be back!

I Appologize For This Foul-Languaged Post

Well, the past three days have been rather shitty, especially intake wise. I've been feeling so damn dizzy and low on energy that I have eaten far more than I care to post, though I have stayed under 1000 calories per day (surprised? I am.). I don't know why I feel so sucky. I was dizzy and freaked out, turning to food to give me more energy.

Went to the doctor for my yearly thyroid exam (add Hashimoto's Disease to my list of medical ailments). I had a resident examine me first. She decided to say aloud my BMI, weight, height, and percentile ranges for the three to my mother. Not me, my fricking mum! I was so embarrassed and fucking angry enough to kill. The damn scale said I weighed 138.1 lbs and my BMI was 25.1. FUCK THAT! I know what I fucking weigh and what my BMI is and she is definitely wrong and the damn people making those charts don't account that the patients might actually be wearing clothes on the scale and have drank at least a pound of water (I do drink that much). Fuck! And then she continued to ask why I was losing weight. I about cussed her out, but she was just trying to be a nice resident and pass her boards so I held my tongue. The real doctor then came in, asked the same question about why I was trying to lose weight, and how I was doing it. Ugh! It's like they warn me of my large BMI then make losing weight out to be a bad thing. Fuck them! America has become way to accepting of obesity and walking whales.


So that put me in a shitty mood for the day. I keep feeling like I'm going to get my stupid period too. I'm bloated and my boobs are huge and ache a bit (sorry for that too much bit of info and disgusting image). Ugh. So I feel like crap, I'm exhausted still, and breaking out on my forehead.

Could things get worse?

Yep. I'm leaving for my NYC/ Bermuda trip tomorrow and I am nowhere near 120 lbs, not to mention I am currently moody, possibly PMSing, aching, tired, dizzy, and just overall fat.

I need to figure out what my intake should be. Keeping it under 500 calories scares me a bit, especially because it would be easy to go over and gain weight. Should I keep it around 800 calories and make sure to exercise a lot? I'm so scared I'm going to gain even more weight!

I'll try to keep in touch over the next 10 days. I can't bring my laptop on this trip, so I'll be forced to use the hotel and cruise ship computers. Hopefully there's no user fees. I'll post as much as possible.

On a lighter note, all of my new clothes I bought today were mediums, size 5, and waist size 28 (I think that's a 5?). So I feel a bit better when I think of that.

Hope you all are having much better days. Stay strong, my lovely skinny minis- we're in this together and we'll be thin together!

Dance Your Ass Off

I'm still on that 10-minute Solutions video kick. I love love love the dance workouts! I did one this morning before leaving for my CT Scan and one after I lay outside trying to get some semblance of a tan. I added weighted arm bands (only 1 lb each, but I can feel the new tension in my arms).

Intake was lovely today.
Breakfast: none, "fasting" for the scan
Lunch: salad and berries (75)
Dinner: 2 pieces of rye bread (130), 5 slices turkey breast (30), 1 slice American cheese (60), small piece fudge (25)

Grand total for the day: 320 calories.

Not bad, not bad. I have no clue how many calories I'm burning with those dance things, so I'm just going to keep track of my calorie intake only.

I work 4.5 hours at the store tomorrow as cashier. Fun fun- not. But it's extra money before my trip (exciting!). I'm planning on just having the same sandwich I made today for lunch tomorrow, so hopefully just taking in about 220 calories, maybe lower since I didn't like the cheese too much this time, so possibly 160 calories? Then I'll probably hop back up to 800 calories and go back down again. I think I'm just going to try the 8-6-4-2 diet and see how that treats me. Hopefully I'll be able to keep my intake relatively low on vacation. I would love to lose a couple pounds just walking around NYC and on the cruise!

Weigh-in tomorrow. I'm nervous again. I really don't feel like I've lost that much. I need to be under 134 lbs this time- I want to be 132 lbs tomorrow morning. I MUST be 125 lbs by the time I step on that cruise ship. I leave for NYC this Tuesday and hop on the ship on Saturday, which gives me 8 more days counting tomorrow. I must be thin! I want to love the beach and the pool, not avoid it at all costs. My tummy is still flabby, which makes me super sad. I need to keep doing extra situps and such, even when I am so darn sore.

Shoot me some luck, dear skinnys! <3

Food Porn

You know you're rather messed up when you enjoy watching food commercials and counting how many calories are in that said commercial. Let's just say, Olive Garden is for very large Americans who wish they were Italian.

That said, intake was pretty good today. Breakfast- I know, I caved this morning- 1 banana (100). Lunch- 1/2 cheese sandwich (150). "Special treat"- with mum- 1/2 small Georgia Mud Fudge blizzard from DQ (330). Supper- salad and berries (50). Total intake for today: 630 calories. I'm rather pissed that it's more than my 500 max for today. I should've made sure of the calories on that damn Blizzard! I was thinking around 250 calories for half, not 330! Jeez, that is a load of calories in one whole small blizzard. No more Dairy Queen for this still-fat girl!

Went to Walmart today and bought one of those 10 minute solution DVDs- the dancing one. I figured since I am a really unskilled dancer and I can keep focused for at least 10 minutes and wanted to pick up a few sexy moves for the cruise, I thought this would be perfect for me. I AM IN LOVE! This is probably the best workout DVD I have ever bought! The moves were challenging, yet at the end of the 10-minute segment, I could get most of the moves down quite well. There are 5 different dance workouts on the video. I did two today and would have no problem doing the same two tomorrow (though I may just have to try some different ones). I was breathing fast towards the end and I was sweating a bit, but I'm thinking that 10 minutes may be too short to burn a ton of calories. Toning on the other hand, is very much encouraged in the DVD- each move focuses on the core and tight legs- yay! So far, I love this video!

I have a doctor's appointment and a CT scan for some pains I've been having in my ribs/right side. Hopefully, there won't be anything wrong there, just overstretched or muscle spasms. Bonus though, I have to fast before and my scan is at 12 o' clock. I'm going to try to convince mum that she should eat during the hour of my CT scan. Then I won't have to eat lunch! Or else, I'll just tell her that I want a small small side salad from where ever we eat. I'm going to try to stay at 400 calories or less tomorrow. Weigh-in tomorrow maybe? Stay Skinny!

Today....

....was absolutely fantastic! I increased my intake today to make my metabolism jolt somewhat for tomorrow. Zero breakfast. Lunch: breadstick (100), 2/3 rigatoni dish from Fazoli's (450). Dinner: hotdog with bun (200), chocolate mouse (100). Total intake today: 850 calories. Tomorrow, I will back down to 500 calories, then the next day around 300 calories.

Stepped on the scale today....

134.8 lbs!

I DID IT!

My BMI even dropped from 25.1 to 24.7. Hurray!

I was so pumped for the majority of this morning after that weigh-in. I lost an average of 1.2 lbs a day over a two-day period. Pretty damn good, if I do say so myself.

Went to Target after my doctor's appointment. Bought a pair of size 5 shorts! Size freaking 5! I currently have all 7s and a few 9s in my closet. I felt so great. I barely ever wear shorts! I am so pumped. I think I'm still hovering on that edge of 5. It's like I'm too small for a 7, but still too big for a 5. It just makes me want to work all the harder at this!

I'm going to turn on one of my recorded episodes of America's Next Top Model and work out for an hour or so- stretching, ab moves, jumping jacks, the works- pretty much strength training.

Stay strong my lovely skinnys! <3

Please Don't Feed the Models

Breakfast consisted of half slice toast (50), 1/4 tsp of jam (15), egg with ham pieces (60).
Snack: 7 almonds (35)
Supper consisted of: tiny portion of steak (50), 1/2 roll with jam (60), 1/2 cup rice (50), iced tea (50), sliver of fudge (25).

Grand total for the day: 345 calories! SUCCESS!

I feel so light today. This is just a wonderful feeling- I have so much control right now. My parents offered me fudge on three different occasions, but I refused until the fourth offering at dinner and then had only a small piece. Half a piece of toast is fantastic too- I usually eat a whole piece, maybe even an extra half after that. I don't know how, but I resisted licking my fingers after putting chocolate silk pie (my ultimate weakness) into a smaller container and did not have the other half of my roll.

I told my mum to grill hot dogs tomorrow just because I hate them and will thusly only eat salad for supper. My goodness, I am just on a total high right now!

I'm doing a bit of shopping tomorrow, though I will do a weigh-in first thing in the morning. I am so hoping for that 135 lbs. I hope I haven't gained too much muscle weight- I've been doing an hour or more of toning the past few days (jackknifes are the BEST!). Shoot me some luck that my weight will be down and the clothes will fit nicer too. I kind of want to buy a second swimsuit just so I have some variety on the cruise.

I looked at my thighs today- really looked- and....I've gotten thinner! There is very little cellulite left (thank you, Nivea "goodbye cellulite") and they just look more toned and smaller. Ohmygoodness! My cheeks are no longer filled with fat, but actually have some definition in the cheek bones- even better!

Stay strong, skinnys! All of our hard work will pay off! We'll make heads turn!

Continued

Add another 120 calories to my intake from one cookie (50), 1/2 cup blueberries (50), and one more Starburst (20).

Grand total today: 520 calories!

Where the heck is this new control coming from? I refused a second cookie from my mum, looked away while my mum cut up some fudge and had three whole pieces of it by herself (they weren't big, but definitely over 100 calories together).

I began my little thinspiration scrapbook today. My parents just believe I am being creative. I will have to hide future images that may hint at an ED  being "too" healthy in comparison to my parents. It was so fantastic to be able to use creativity to keep my hands out of the fridge and my mind on thinspo for a very large part of the day.

Just for an update on all of my stats as well:

HW: 149 lbs
LW: 115 lbs
CW: 137.2 lbs

GW1: 120 lbs
GW2: 110 lbs
GW3: 100 lbs

Height: 5' 2"
Age: 18 years

Email/ MSN: tiniestbutterfly@hotmail.com

Am I using a pseudonym? Yes. (for now at least)
Will I get some before and after pictures of myself on here soon? Quite Possibly