Sunday, August 29, 2010

Laundry and Confusion

I don't know what I have done. I'm am frightened, to be honest. I told someone. I broke my number one rule and told a girl on my wing, E., about my ED. Should I regret this or feel so relieved?

It was two nights ago. She is an incredibly smart and kind gal. I should have known that she would have caught on to me sooner or later. Turns out, she "battled" Ana for 4 years, with a couple relapses and is now recovered. She was telling me her story and out of the blue I started crying so hard and confessed how fucked up I really am and scared shitless of ruining my life with Ana. I couldn't stop blabbing. She was so kind and just held me and cried with me and told me that if she could recover, then so could I. We prayed together with her roomie and her guy best friend, D., who actually struggled with Ana during middle school and high school as well. It was a really emotional night for me. We burned my thinspo pictures, my journal, my trigger books, and pictures I saved from when I was at my thinnest. I gave her my favorite thin jeans and she says we're going to donate them to a homeless shelter. I can't believe what I have done.

Where do I go from here?

I stole back a pair of my jeans already and I am planning to skip dinner tonight and have an intake of under 600 calories today. Part of my wants to recover and live "normal" again, and yet a bigger part of me wants to keep getting thinner, to reach my goals.

I'm fucking scared right now. I don't know if I can give this up.

I promise I won't disappear. Not just yet.

Maybe I'll be able to think more clearly after sleeping for a while and waiting for my period to end.

5 comments:

MadelinaCooke said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
MadelinaCooke said...

Sorry I've been away darling and haven't commented lately! I'm sorry you're going through this. They are good friends, they want the best for you. But you want the best for yourself too, and most of the time you guys will have different oppinions on what is 'best'. You know what you want. You know it's not right, but it's something that you live with. Whatever you decide, we'll all love you the same. I'll love you the same! And I'll support you in anything that you decide. Love you Violet <3

Peridot (G+P) said...

*Hugs* This is a really horrible time to be at. Live or die? Fly or plummet? Be truthful with yourself and you can fly high.

Lovelovelove!!! xoxo

Issyla said...

I'm so sorry, I know exactly how you feel. I think everyone with ana goes through those phases of wishing to be rid of our disease and wanting to be normal, and then it's overruled by our need to be skinnier. Hang in there, we know it's tough and we'll support whatever you decide to do. <3

Hana said...

its okay to be scared,
recovery is the biggest achievement one can reach with an ED.
at least you're not alone and have the support of many who've dealt with this.
take care, be patient in recovery if you plan on going into recovery, its a long journey.
<3