I added up to 900 calories then just stopped because I am so disgusted with myself. What a shitty food day. And here I thought I was doing so good! No lunch tomorrow, coffee and maybe toast for breakfast, salad for dinner. I feel so gross now. I should have made sure to count all those dumb calories throughout the day. Dammit!
I did end up eating a bit too much today and I'm rather bummed out about it. I made my favorite cappi-coffee mix before we left for the morning (50), had some beef jerky mid-noon (100), ate some fruit trail mix (100), the family stopped at Subway- I had a mini turkey sub (190), I nibbled on some more trail mix (50) and 6 triscuit crackers (120), and finally at 8:30 pm we stopped at Wendy's for "supper"- I had a caesar side salad (170). Net calories: 780. Disgusting. I suppose I should vary my calorie intake to keep my metabolism guessing, but I still feel so gross and bloated. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
Tomorrow's my birthday. It doesn't really feel like it. My mum bought Hostess cupcakes to celebrate. I'll have one so I don't hurt her feelings. It's about 250 calories. That's a meal. Wow. I can't believe how many calories my family so carelessly consumes!
Work was pretty good today. Got some awesome tips too! My skirt fit so well today (I work at a fancy restaurant, uniforms required). I had nothing for breakfast and for my lunch/supper at work I had small piece of egg strata (175), mini muffin (50), 1/2 cup of rice (100), delicate pastry (40), cranberry scone (120). I went to a coffee house later on for an iced chai tea with soymilk (100). Total calories for the day: 585. I feel fantastic and empty! I love this feeling. Weigh-in tomorrow morning- I must be 135 lbs on the dot! (or less, if I'm lucky).
Barnes and Noble has officially saved my life once again! I made a quick trip after work today to grab a couple books for my roadtrip with the family to Oregon. I ended up buying a huge knitting book and a "black book" with a listing of calories for over 5,000 foods and some popular restaurants. I loooooove it! I really didn't realize how many calories were in a breakfast wrap or honey mustard sauce for dipping. Wow! Plus it's just the right size to fit in my purse. Now all I have to do is find a store to buy all my knitting supplies at. Any suggestions?
So I ended up working seven hours instead of five today- from 10 am to 5 pm. I loved it. I had zero breakfast nor lunch. It felt so amazing. It seemed as though I had more energy today from not eating than days when I have eaten a tad for each meal. I am on such a high right now. I splurged a bit for super and now I'm rather full (yuck). I had a turkey and cheese sandwich on rye bread (210), half and half iced tea with lemon (50), one Oreo ball (50), and two cookies (100) for a total of 410 calories for supper. I did end up treating myself a bit too much at B&N with a light soy strawberry frappicino (150) and 1/3 chocolate chip cookie (100). Grand total for the day 660 calories. According to several websites (I went to caloriecount.about.com for a calculator) I burned about 155 calories per hour doing "light cleaning"- dusting, walking, sitting, standing. That sounds like too many calories to me. I need to find an accurate calculator somewhere! For now, I shall say that I burned 300 calories at work today over a period of seven hours straightening shelves and working the check-out lane continuously (we were super busy today....nonstop customers). So that would make my net calorie intake today 360. Not too bad, I suppose. I'm waitressing tomorrow for about 6 hours. I wonder how many calories that will burn off? Where are you, stupid calculator?!
So, I think I'm going to have to work on a few strategies for avoiding eating breakfast and lunch around my parents during the road trip. It's easy to say I ate in the morning when we never sit together to eat. What to do, what to do? Any suggestions?
We're celebrating my birthday early today with pizza, cake, and family at my grandma's apartment. I'm planning on having just one piece of pizza and a small small piece of cake, hopefully 400 calories at the most, though I would like to eat less than that. How many calories are in the average slice of pizza? I've been estimating around 200- is that right?
I was too exhausted yesterday to post anything, so I apologize. Today was a pretty darn good day. I was thinking last night about my freshmen year when Ana and I were the bestest of friends. I kept thinking and thinking about my hipbones and ribs. I was a tiny size 3 then, nearly a 1. I remember laying on the gym floor and my friend trying to find a soft spot on my tummy to lay her head on-she couldn't find one and then she said "are those your hipbones?!" and then poked higher up and said "and those are your ribs!?". It was the best feeling in the world that my friend thought I was "too skinny". Of course I wasn't. Close, but definitely not thin enough.
Wow. I feel so gross. I need to find a way to stop my sweet cravings. I want to punish myself. I want to cut away all of my exposed fat until there are only my bones left. I want to poke myself over and over with a thumb tack until I no longer love the smell of even chocolate soymilk. Of course, self mutilation is in the dangerland and I will never go there. 
Breakfast was my usual cereal of Honey Nut Cheerios (120). I ate half a turkey wrap with cheese, turkey, and mustard (150). For dinner I had a big salad, snow peas, and a dinner roll (150). Not bad, I'd say. I did end up having two mini brownie cupcakes (150). Total for the day: 570 calories. Much much better than yesterday and I feel pretty darn good about it.
I'm back again. Sorry for the missed day yesterday- work was exhausting. My plan of skipping lunch didn't go so well, but I managed just to eat a cup of salad with light Italian dressing for lunch and dinner. I snacked on 12 almonds when I got home at 9 pm (a bit of lingering cravings left over from my period). So I felt pretty good yesterday.
My little brother went to this leadership conference thing over the weekend (had I mentioned that already?). So we picked him up today. While the family and I were there, we were served a nice, big lunch. I ate smallest plate of pre-proportioned salad with the tiniest bit of ranch dressing (they already had the plates setting out for us with the food on it). Then they served us lasagna, garlic bread, and green beans. I ate 1/4 of the lasagna (170), the bread slice (100), and the green beans (15), plus a small cookie bar (100), total of 385 calories. Add in granola bar for breakfast (90) and kid's sub for super (turkey from Subway) (150) for a grand total today of 625 calories. So it's over my 600 calorie limit, but I count today as a success. Though of course my over indulgence of calories will not go overlooked. I'm going to do 100 crunches, 2 minute plank, 50 leg lifts on each side, and 50 thunder thigh squeezes (resistance ring between my knees = crazy work in the thigh area).
I was in Sephora the other day and bought Tarte blush stain in Eco-cheek. I love love love it! I look nice and glowy, yet very natural. To top it off, when I was asking one of the pros there, she said the said would look lovely on me with my prominent cheek bones. Yes! I've dreamed of having cheek bones that are strong and lovely, not burdened down with fat. The compliment, however small, made me feel really good and like some of the weight I've lost is beginning to show. 
We had pizza.....
I finally got my period last night. Of course, that's not a relief at all, but I was a bit peeved that it wasn't coming on time when I was having PMS 3 or 4 days ago.
I needed chocolate so badly today. Though I felt so sick this morning that I only ate half my bowl of cereal. Lunch was just some Easy Mac and half a bag of m&ms (bad!). Dinner was 1/4 breaded chicken breast, 1/2 grilled veggies, and 2/3 cup stuffing (super bad!). All in all though I'd probably say I had around 650 today, not counting whatever I burned off at the store today. It's killing me not knowing if it's even considered physical activity to be stocking and straightening shelves.
My brother told me today to wear a belt- my pants were too baggy to keep on without one. These were the pants that were nearly too tight at the queen contest nearly two weeks ago. How can I still be losing weight? I haven't been trying nearly as hard as I should be and I feel disgusting all the time. I'm sure the scale will tell me I am fat tomorrow- that the weight has not gone away, but rather stayed the same, or to my horror have gone up.
I have failed to exercise or skip lunch like I have planned. Ugh. There are days during which I want to give up and yet I can't possibly give up Ana. She whispers in my ear like a close friend, egging me onward. I crave that whisper, that ache in my stomach. When I don't have that feeling, the I feel terrible. I haven't felt empty in so long that I don't even feel like I can be perfect. I need Ana. She's waiting for me. Waiting for me to join the ranks of the Winter Girls, and oh, how I want to go.
Better day today. Though the bloating is really killing me. Instead of feeling shitty all day and purging at the end, I gave in a bit to my temptations and ended up eating around 725 calories. Not bad for PMS- bloating, moody, extreme chocolate cravings. I drank my tea and took a mydol.
And I have finally found the balls to admit something. I am lazy. Of course I wanted this to be easy. I wanted to resist food and take a magic pill and watch the pounds drop off. Life doesn't happen that way. I need to work harder. I'm going to start to focus more on cardio. Running all the way to the mail box and back was a good start (loooong driveway). I think I may have to buy a gym membership, or even drive 35 minutes to the most amazing gym ever at the local college (super nice!). We'll see what happens there. One of my good friends who is a lifeguard is starting some nighttime aerobics classes at the pool. I am definitely in for that! The classes start the 14th and I intend to lose 3 to 5 lbs by then to look slightly less disgusting. (slightly)
