I'll Do My Own Rewiring

Thank you ladies for all the lovely comments on my last post. I love you all so much!

I've decided to stay. Recovery is most definitely not for me right now. However, I will make an attempt to be a bit more "healthier". I plan to eat between 500 and 800 calories every day and burn at least 300 calories at the gym. I figured working out and eating a bit more is better than sitting around and starving myself. I actually may burn the fat a heck of a lot faster this way!

E and I went to the gym today and I ended up burning 324 calories on the stair stepper. It felt so dang good to sweat all this fat out of my body! I had an intake of around 1,000 calories today, but with the exercise, my total intake is down to 700 calories. Woot! Look how much better that is already. The best part? It only took me half an hour to burn all those calories- imagine what I could do in an hour!

So in other words, I'm staying here. I'll keep up with my posting and when the going gets tough, I'll just get tougher!

And I really do love E dearly. I know we're going to be best friends. I don't have the heart to tell her that I'm not going to recover yet (partially because I know she will want me to get some therapy like she did and partially because I know how disappointed she will be). We're going to work out and be "healthy" together- I'll just keep losing weight in the process. I think I will try to convince her to let me have one pair of jeans back (she doesn't know I stole back a pair already). I really need to have them back- I know I can fit into them by October!

I promise a weigh-in soon (I'm dying to know my weight right now). I just need to find a good place to do it at that's slightly private and not carpeted like my dorm room.

Have a fantastic day tomorrow, Skinnys!

Love you all! <3 Violet

Laundry and Confusion

I don't know what I have done. I'm am frightened, to be honest. I told someone. I broke my number one rule and told a girl on my wing, E., about my ED. Should I regret this or feel so relieved?

It was two nights ago. She is an incredibly smart and kind gal. I should have known that she would have caught on to me sooner or later. Turns out, she "battled" Ana for 4 years, with a couple relapses and is now recovered. She was telling me her story and out of the blue I started crying so hard and confessed how fucked up I really am and scared shitless of ruining my life with Ana. I couldn't stop blabbing. She was so kind and just held me and cried with me and told me that if she could recover, then so could I. We prayed together with her roomie and her guy best friend, D., who actually struggled with Ana during middle school and high school as well. It was a really emotional night for me. We burned my thinspo pictures, my journal, my trigger books, and pictures I saved from when I was at my thinnest. I gave her my favorite thin jeans and she says we're going to donate them to a homeless shelter. I can't believe what I have done.

Where do I go from here?

I stole back a pair of my jeans already and I am planning to skip dinner tonight and have an intake of under 600 calories today. Part of my wants to recover and live "normal" again, and yet a bigger part of me wants to keep getting thinner, to reach my goals.

I'm fucking scared right now. I don't know if I can give this up.

I promise I won't disappear. Not just yet.

Maybe I'll be able to think more clearly after sleeping for a while and waiting for my period to end.

Does Talking Really Help?

It's late and I'm having trouble focusing tonight. I binged terribly today. I feel so sick, fat, bloated, and disgusting. I got my period today. It's probably the cause of my binge, but I still feel like such a failure. I want to die so badly right now. I want to rip out my insides and staple it back up with barbed wire.

For the Record

Hmmm....T visited my dorm last night after he got back from studying at the library all day. Maybe I was wrong about him? Either way, I'm content to be where I am relationship-wise.

Have a fantastic day, Skinnys!

<3 Violet

What Doesn't Hurt

I love the feeling in my stomach now. It's a thing called emptiness. If I didn't love God so much, I would say that emptiness is almost a thing of worship to me. Doesn't that sound terrible? I'm sitting here sipping my diet Canada Dry, knowing that I've only had an intake of 450 calories today. All of my friends and wing-mates are at the cafe right now eating dinner. Even A, who I am still convinced is anorexic too, is at the cafe eating. But I am strong. I sit here and do not eat. It feels good.Oh, so good.

Thank you all for your lovely comments from my last post. I am so happy to be back and more on track than ever before. Your comments keep me going every day when my neighbors offer me cookies or candy. I love to be able to have the power to say "no" or make only pre-calculated "yes"s when I have a few more calories available to take in.

I'm pretty sure T is a total player. I think just being in a new environment with people I have never met and boys who actually look at me and wish to talk more has made my mind clouded with silly crushes and girlish fantasies. It's almost embarrassing to realize that I have let myself slip into my naive self that existed in high school. So for now, I need to find my own contentness in myself and where I am at right now. T can text me or see me if he wishes, but I will not make the first move. Nope. Not me. If he wants to see more of me, well, he knows what room I'm in and when visiting hours are.

I love independence.

Stay strong, my lovely girls!

Lots of love, Violet!

Someday My Prince Will Come

My lovely Skinnys! I've missed you so so so much! I apologize profusely for not posting for what seems like ages. College is by far much more busier than I have anticipated. So now I am back and it's time for a wonderful update.

I have been doing FANTASTIC. Really. Getting out from under the watchful eye of my parents is a total blessing. No one here questions what I eat or how frequently I do so. I am free to choose to either eat or not eat anything at all. It's so wonderful and I've already lost weight.

The first day, driving and move-in day, I only had 250 calories. I drank an Ensure before leaving in the morning, had coffee and water during the entire 4-hour drive, and only had dry lettuce leaves and fruit when we arrived. (raw fruits and veggies are my safety foods)

The second day I had around 400 calories, the next 600 calories, then 400 calories, and then today I've had 50 calories so far. I feel absolutely fan-freaking-tastic! I almost feel like I'm cheating right now because it is all becoming so easy.

My roomie is super super awesome. Yes, she is quite overweight, but it is due to side effects from a medication. So she is trying to lose weight, eats all organic food, cannot eat pizza or bread, only drinks soy milk, and is a coffee junkie. We are the perfect match for each other! There is hardly any junk food in our room (the stuff that is is hers) (actually, all of the food in the room besides my Ensure, soymilk, coffee, and oatmeal are hers so I never touch it).

I feel so alive here! I am attending a private Christian college and it is such and incredible place! There are at least 2 girls on my wing who are very much ana. I love them both, but am just scared of trying to ask about why they're so thin (99% positive they're pro-ana). For now, I shall just envy how tiny they are and hope that as we become closer, we can open up more and support each other.

For the first time in a very long time guys are paying attention to me. I've made so many new friends, both guys and girls. There is this one guy, T., who I really like and seems to really like me back. I'm super scared of moving too fast and having my heart broken, so shoot me some luck and keep me in your prayers (it's okay if your not religious though : ) ) We're going together to a concert by an indie rock band tomorrow evening here in town. I'm really excited. I'm just hoping that I'm not reading the signs wrong. Several girls on my wing have commented that he seems to really really like me. We'll just have to wait and see I suppose!

I'm going out with A (my roomie) and her grandparents tonight for dinner. They've been really wanting to meet me and tonight was the perfect date to do it. I'm just hoping I'll stick with a salad or something super healthy. I know I can resist!

I can see a bit more than just the outline of my collar bones now. They look so lovely and I can't wait for more. One of my friends gave me a piggy back ride and exclaimed that I was all muscle. I sat on another girl's lap when we drove to a local sand volleyball court and said that I had a very bony butt. T even commented on my arm muscles (hardly any fat left there now!).  All in all, everyone seems to think I'm so thin. I can't wait to see their reactions when I'm 120 lbs, then 110 lbs, then 100 lbs! I haven't had a chance to weigh-in for a while since my room is carpeted and the bathroom tiles are super uneven. But I know 've lost some weight in the way my clothes look and fit and just how I feel in general.

Sorry for the length of this post darlings! I've had so much to tell you about the past couple days. I'll end now, especially since I need to finish up my psych reading for tomorrow. I promise I'll be back soon and start commenting once more on your blogs.

Stay strong, lovelies!

Love, Violet

I'm Coming!

Sorry sorry sorry darlings!

College is much more busy than I thought- especially all this orientation crap.

I'm going to find time for a nice big post tomorrow and take the time to comment on everyone's blogs. Sorry for the rather large delay.

On the plus side, not eating in college is so freaking easy! >.<

Much love, Violet <3

Ready? Set? Thundercats, Go!

So I figured I'd have a heck of a lot more time to write an update for you all, but it's already 10:20pm, I have a cold, and need to leave at 8:00am for my four hour drive to college.

Needless to say, I'm super super pumped! The car is finally packed and I have 3 mixed CDs to play the whole way.

Intake was shit the past two days- 800 one day, 1200 the next. Today was much better with just 600 calories. Hopefully I'll have 400 calories or less tomorrow- yay for no snacking while driving!

I can't wait to walk all over campus, work out at the fitness center right across from my dorm, and meet awesome new people. I'm feeling a bit more confident, though my weight is now hovering around 134.6 lbs (weighed in about 3 days ago). I know my goal was to be under 130 lbs and I fucked up majorly, but I'm not going to beat myself up too much about it. I know I can be 120 lbs by September 1st- 12 days. Or is that impossible to lose that much in so little time? Shit. I'll quit being lazy and actually workout a crap ton and see where it gets me. Cross your fingers!

I'm looking for some trigger books to start reading. Now that I'll finally be out of the house, I'll be able to have those books without stirring up any suspicions. Got any suggestions?

Stay strong, lovelies!

Kiss kiss, Violet <3

Promise

Hey lovelies! I promise to get an update in here tonight. Sorry for the rather large gap in the posts. 

<3's Violet

Counting Down

Thanks, darlings for the kind comments after last night's binge-fest. I don't know why, I just could not stop eating all day after work. I felt so sick and terrible and was still super full this morning.

I went out to eat at Perkin's with my favorite aunt and mum today. I tried tried tried to eat super light. I wasn't the biggest success, sadly. Peaches and creme muffin (450), 2 eggs (100), potato crepe (100). Total for the day: 650 calories. Well, it's a hell of a lot better than probably the 2000 plus calories from yesterday (I couldn't even bear to count it up...it was bad). I still feel gross and fat once again.

Today was my final day of work at the grocery store. It went by super fast and my boss asked me to come back and work again next summer. If I don't find a different much more splendid job by then, I just might take him up on the offer.

I move into college this Friday- just 3 more days. I am so freaking excited! I bet I'll be able to lose the weight much more easily since I'll be walking to classes, have a gym right down the side walk, and not have to gaze longingly at all the fatty disgusting food my mum buys nearly every day (candy bars and whatnot). I know I can do it!

I'm going to force myself to do a weigh-in tomorrow. Hopefully, the numbers will be down, or at least just maintained at 135 lbs. I don't think I could possibly bear to weigh any more than that. I want to try to fast tomorrow. I'm cleaning my room tomorrow morning, having coffee with grandma in the afternoon, and having a movie night with my friends in the evening. Hopefully, I'll manage to stay out of the kitchen or even out of the house enough to avoid eating food. Shoot me some luck, Skinnys! I haven't attempted a full fast in years, so we'll see how this turns out.

Stay strong, my lovely girls!

Much love, Violet <3

The Binge Monster Is a Creeper

I fucking pigged out today.

Seriously?

Really don't want to talk about it.

Idiot.

I'm so damn tempted to abort my food baby via purging a la tooth brush.

Loser.

Weakness.

No. Stay strong.

Please?

Bad. No.

Fuck.

And So On.

Well I am definitely an emotional eater! I shouldn't say that with an exclamation mark as it could be mistaken for enthusiasm, but whatever.

Anyway, I did decent for intake today. I did manage to stay at 300 calories total, but binged on a huge-ass cookie after my asshole of a manager had me go on a dinner break at 3:30pm- I worked from 1 to 9pm. I was so freaking pissed that I just grabbed a cookie when I got home and ate it all in anger. Bleh. I am such a fat ass sometimes (well, most of the time really). But working the 8 hours that I did, I know I burned it all off, so I feel a bit better now.

I'm working at the resturaunt tomorrow, but hopefully I'll be to tired to actually eat a ton. I'm going to try to just go for the veggies and maybe one small slice of French toast.

Countdown to college is now 5 days. I am so freaking pumped! I have nearly everything I need.

So I guess this is going to be a short post since I have to work again tomorrow and am having trouble typing the right words.

Goodnight all!

Much loves, Violet!

WWTD?

What Would Twiggy Do?

I keep asking myself that question every time I pick up something that I could possibly eat. I love Twiggy dearly- she is most certainly one of my favorite super models by far. 

Weighed myself this morning- 135 lbs. FAIL! Part of me thinks it is a tab bit of muscle development- I've been doing a ton of crazy situps and lunges- but for the most part I'm sure it's me just losing control and getting fatter every day. I've been feeling very very binge-y lately and it bothers me. I got my period during camp- it was 2 weeks early and sucked so bad- so I'm really hoping that I'm not getting it again. I would probably die! I know it's probably not healthy by anyone's standards, but I really want to get rid of my damn period. I want to be so "underweight" that it stops altogether. My goal is to have a BMI under the "normal"- to do this I must weigh 100 lbs. This is my ultimate goal. As of now, I'm still working towards weighing under 130 lbs a week from today when I move into college. The next goal is to weigh 120 lbs by the first of September. Then I will be 110 lbs (or less, if possible) by the time Christmas rolls around. By the summer of next year I hope to be 100 lbs. 

So I've obviously need to get cracking on my intake. I'm going to try to stay at 300 calories or less the next couple of days. Tomorrow should be easy since I work from 1pm to 9pm. I won't eat breakfast, or else I will just have applesauce (I don't count fruits in my intake unless I know they're super high in calories) and have an Ensure shake during my dinner break. Total: 250 calories. 

On a super happy note, I cleaned my closets out today (I have two small ones) in preparation of moving to college. I feel so good about getting everything organized, neat, and ready to go. I saved several pairs of my favorite jeans from my freshmen year- all are either size 3 or waist size 27 (I think that's the same size?). So I decided that before I go buy a couple new pair of jeans (my size 7 skinnys are now officially too big!) I would see just how badly my size 3s would fit. At the end of May, I could not even fit my legs into the jeans and now I can easily put them on and BUTTON THEM ALL THE WAY UP!!! Sorry for the all caps, but I am so freaking pumped! I have just a tiny bit of love-handle disgusting fatness poking over the sides of the jeans, but hot damn! I can fit into a size 3 once again. I won't say I'm a 3 officially- I know I need to be around 125 lbs for that- but this makes me feel so dang good! I am not buying any new pairs of jeans for the fall, so I have to get my weight down to fit into those lovely size 3s. I am so hitting the gym after my noon classes when I get to college!

Hope you all are doing wonderfully. Stay strong because in the end it sure as heck pays off!

Much love, Violet <3

Addition: Thanks and Whatnot

Wow, 6 new followers from when I left for camp! I am so humbled- thank you all so much.

Additional thanks to those who waited out my messed up comment system and took the time to keep trying until it finally worked. Your comments made me feel one heck of a lot better.

Special shout-out to MadCooke (author of the blog "Chubby Girl" http://deathlydiet.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2010-08-05T11%3A09%3A00%2B10%3A00&max-results=7) she went out of her way to make a whole post on her blog for me when my comment system wasn't working. What an amazing gal she is! I felt so dang awesome after I read her post for me. She totally inspired me to keep going after I binged with her words: "You only fail when you stop trying". I've never thought of all this dieting that way. I feel better now every day since reading her post and I know that I will make my goal weight as long as I never stop trying. Thank you, MadCooke, I would probably be completely lost and down without you. <3

Hit the Return Key

So now I am officially back from my colon camp. I had a fantastic week and loved each and every one of those kids with every fiber of my being- I honestly didn't know I could love that much. These kids are just so incredible and have definitely changed me during that single week.

I made some new friends. Cuddled with an old friend, L., at the camp fire and caught up after a year of being apart. Avoided the stupid ex- P., even though he wanted me to sit with him a couple times. Flirted with C. and became really great friends this year. And really just had a blast overall. I could honestly tell the difference in the way people are seeing me with all this weight loss. C and I had a great time together too. :) Last year we just kind of acknowledged each other and whatnot, but now that I've moved on from being a camper to a counselor, we really connected and flirted somewhat. Yes, yes, I know camp relationships don't always work out (trying to forget stupid ex), but it was fun just being around C and getting to know him more. Who knows what may happen? :)

However, food intake sucked majorly. I lost plenty of my control, especially when I couldn't make oatmeal again and again. Having food placed right in front of me, waiting to be dug into is so damn hard. So I'm sure I've gained that 5 pounds I lost right back in the same amount of time I lost it. Fuck. But now I'm back and ready for business!

I'm going to force myself to step on the scale Wednesday morning. Tomorrow, I'll save myself the pain, but I need to know on Wednesday. Wish me luck that I really didn't gain those 5 pounds back and I'm worrying over nothing.

I move into my college in 12 days. Wow. Can I lose 5, maybe 10 pounds by then?

Stay strong, Skinnys!<3

Guess Who's Back?

Camp was so awesome.

But it feels good to be hungry again.

Will post a nice big  update tomorrow <3