At Least I'm Not Hungry....

Well, this darn cold won't let go. I'm starting to think that it might be more than just a virus. I sprinted down the hall to the bathroom about 6 times last night and finally got a solid amount of sleep around 8:30am, which only amounted to probably a total of 4 complete hours of sleep. What makes it worse? One of my friends, C, is being a total bitch, claiming I got her sick from when we hung out before I even had any symptoms. She's the only one that hasn't told me to "feel better". Not that I need people to say that or anything, I just don't want her complaining to me that she is sick too. Big fucking deal. Everyone gets sick. I'm not going to hunt down the person that gave this to me and yell at them. Nope. And what makes it worse? I am always taking care of C and her roommate when they get sick, bring them lunch and whatnot. Maybe I'm just pissy when I'm sick...who knows. I just need to feel better and get back to the gym (I think I'm actually addicted to exercise now).

An Apple Should Haven Been the Only Thing I Ate Per Day

Sorry, darlings, that I have not posted for so long. I woke up on Friday and felt like I had been knocked over by a sledge hammer. Every gland in my neck was swollen, I could only hear out of one ear, and my nose was doing a stupid clog-unclog act. All in all, I really felt like total and complete crap. And I have continued to feel like this since then. Except now it has moved to my colon...I race to the toilet every 15 minutes if you catch my drift....and I have a hacking cough that leaves me dizzy and unable to think for a few seconds.

I really hate being sick. I hate feeling my body grow weak and not having any energy to work out (or at least enough common sense not to drag myself to the gym...sometimes I wish I didn't have that common sense). I wouldn't mind so much if I had the stomach flu, at least then I would be losing weight and my profs would be much more sympathetic to my case. And if I had the stomach flu, I wouldn't have the strength to get out of bed and eat something, let alone keep it in my stomach for too long. Nope. No luck there. Instead I have a simple, stupid, draining virus. Nothing I can do about it. I just feel like crap all day, don't have the energy to concentrate on any of my work, but still find the energy to eat something. Hell, I've had enough energy to cook oatmeal and lean pockets two different times each. Oatmeal wasn't so bad, but I'm ready to shoot myself over those lean pockets (for those of you who aren't familiar, lean pockets are a "less fatty" version of hot pockets). I feel like a pig. 

I still feel sick enough not to go to class tomorrow, but I need to get to the gym and get my chapel credits in (I go to a Christian college, so chapel attendance is mandatory...not sure if I really agree with that...it takes the purpose out of worshipping if you're forced to go by the school system). I could just work out, go to chapel, and then not go to the rest of my classes, but someone will probably see me. Plus, I'd need my RA to email my profs this time for proof that I'm still sick and she definitely would not agree with me working out. It's still a possibility to get out my 10-minute dance video- I'm in love with it...I use the video every time I need an extra boost to my workout.

Decisions, decisions. I really just feel like crap now and am behind in so much school work (at least it seems that way). I don't know if it would be worth it to miss class or not. Plus, I have to host a tutoring session and have a book meeting tomorrow night. Too much to do!

Shoot me some luck, darlings. I think I'm going to work up the nerve to weigh myself again towards the end of this week. I'm going to try to limit my intake to 600 calories max, that way I am always burning off all that I eat for an intake of 0 every day. I'm still playing with the idea of eating only 300 on the days I work out just once, but we'll see. I'll figure it out tomorrow, along with my options of whether or not to stay in bed all day again.

Beware the Rant About a Bitch

There's this girl. 

And there's this boy.

The boy, I like.

The girl...she's a fake bitch....

Well the boy, M., is a really good friend of mine and I really had quite a large crush on him for a large portion of this year. I was pretty dang sure he liked me too. But then we went to E's house (the other bitch) and he met E's friend, Am (the one mentioned above). Pretty sure she could tell that M and I had something between us, so she used the only weapon she had against me...she was hospitalized with Ana. Execpt that the damn thing happened 3 years ago (not that I'm saying it isn't a big deal or anything, but it is NOT something you use. Ever.). So anyway, the two kept texting and she always talked about her "problems" and how she wanted to be Ana again and all this shit. Of course, M. is the type of guy who is so sweet and tries to fix everyone's problems for them. Of course, he'd fall for her, the poor little girl with the eating disorder, not the fat nice friend on the side (me). Did I mention she just turned 16 and he is 19? Well, yeah. And believe me, she is not mature...more like she has the maturity level of a 12-year-old (seriously). and not to be mean, but she is much much bigger than I am, and I am rather fat...at least I was moreso at the time....

Ahh! I'm just so pissed off tonight! M said that it "wouldn't work" between him and Am anyway, but it still makes me angry. I don't really like him anymore. And I've promised myself that I will never ever use Ana to make someone feel bad for or like me. It is my secret and mine alone. I probably will never tell him. 

Why is it that the fake, nasty, mean bitches get the sweet and loving guy? I don't understand. I really don't get it and it makes me sad.

Something else that's sad? I like to pretend the guys at the gym glance at me occasionally. I'm pretty sure they never do. But it makes me work harder and feel kind of better about myself (even if I know in the back of my mind that it is not true). 

I hope tomorrow is better. It is a Zumba and abs workout night!

(Today's favorite before-and-after)

A Logical Addiction

Something has changed within me....

Wow, that sounds like a cheesy song lyric! (actually, I think it might be from "Wicked"...not entirely sure). But anyway, I figured it was about time I gave you all an update on my progress- especially since I have three new followers...thank you, I am so honored!

I've been going to the gym for an hour every day since Thursday of last week. I think I have found my perfect addiction. It used to be that I hated going to the gym and could hardly ever stick with it, let alone get on the stair master for 30 minutes. But here I am, going twice a day, burning 600 calories, and still finding energy to complete my school work! I was up before the sun today, working at the gym for an hour, and then went again for another hour after classes were over. I usually do a half hour on the stair master each time, followed by a half hour of weight lifting and ab exercises. I feel really great and am beginning to see a difference in the way my clothes are fitting.

I think I figured out the secret to sticking with this new plan- zero emotions. I have accepted that I am a complete blob and am totally uncomfortable with my body. I'm done imagining that if I just quit eating the weight will come off in just a month. I know it takes work and a hell of a lot more dedication than I have ever had before. I look in the mirror now and see the fat, but I also see change. Instead of crying and avoiding the mirror, I take a good long look then head to the gym and stop only once for water. I've taken the emotion out of dieting, except for the thrill of feeling the burn in all my muscles and seeing my body slowly tightening. Without emotion, I don't feel the urge to binge after an unhappy day, or even eat at all for that matter. I still do eat three meals a day, but I find I crave oatmeal, veggies, and cereal. I have found a control that I didn't think existed. And I am in love with it.

Now that I have the gym as a part of my every day activity, I need to focus more on restricting. First, I will just eat two meals a day for a while, then slowly work my way down to just eating dinner (which is the only time my friends see me eat). I'm not afraid now of taking food away. Call it stupid, call it naive, but I do not fear bingeing as much as before. The gym has become my food now. It gives me more energy than soda, banana bread, or cookies ever have.

Maybe it's just the energy high from my workout I'm feeling that is putting me in such a good mood. But the thing is, I worked out about 7 hours ago...does a high really last that long? Maybe, just maybe, this feeling is here to stay.

Shoot me some luck darling Skinnys!

Gym-ocide

It's taken so long, but I have finally learned that nothing comes easily. There is work involved in nearly every part of life, especially when it comes to relationships and body image. After my last post, I have been going to the gym every day (except Friday). Usually, I hate the gym and all the hot guys working out make me feel like a whale, but I have discovered the best times to go with minimal athletes to deter me from taking off my sweatshirt. I hop on the stair master every time for half an hour and burn around 300 calories each time. Yesterday was my first afternoon going to the weight room and working out on the machines (normally, there are too many people in there for me to even think about entering). I felt absolutely amazing afterwards. And I feel pretty dang good today.

I found a hidden perk to working out too: I'm not hungry for hours on end, even when I don't eat anything pre-gym.  I'm trying to learn to be more in tune with my hunger. I tend to eat on a schedule or simply when I'm bored as hell. Not good! So now I only allow myself to eat when my stomach is growling and nearly cramping up, and then it is only healthy filling foods like oatmeal, cereal, or toast.

I'm taking this energy supplement from GNC called "Burn 60". It is supposed to boost energy and burn up to 60% more calories than one would normally burn in a day. I think I can already see a slight change in the way my upper abdominals look. Truthfully, seeing that slight change this morning made me don my workout clothes and head to the gym instead of immediately starting on my long list of homework. And I can now go to the gym even longer and feel less tired afterwards. I'm not sure if it's the product working or just my sudden determination, but either way I like this new feeling.

This time is going to be different. I'm no longer going to be lazy and figure that starving is enough to lose weight. I'm going to work harder than I ever have before and maybe the weight will stay off for good this time.

I'm crossing my fingers.

xo Violet

 (This is my favorite before and after thinspo of the day)

No Maps to Ana-Land

Where have I been? Sometimes I don't even know. I was on Spring Break for the past ten days and as much as I wanted to, I just couldn't bring myself to blog the entire time. I'm really ashamed of myself, to put it lightly at least. I don't know how to do things right any more.

What did I do over my break? I baked. I made cookies, banana bread, pumpkin bread, and pumpkin muffins. It was my mum and I's "bonding time". It was fun, yes, but I don't even dare to try to calculate the calories I consumded during the week in taste testing alone. We ate out a lot- all of my favorite restaurants of course. I didn't stop to count calories, I just ate whatever I felt like that day and didn't give a fuck otherwise.

I look at myself in the mirror and see a whale. A fucking huge whale that can barely even swim in the ocean of tiny fishes because it is so overbearingly huge. I think I gained back all of the weight I lost and maybe even a little extra. I see bumps on my thighs now and wiggly fat lines on my stomach. I can move my face without seeing a double chin and already my neck is becoming fatty and puffed out.

I have failed.

But I don't think I was ever really  trying that hard. I didn't work hard. I just assumed that the moment I quit eating then all the fat would go away. I was lazy, pathetic, and most importantly wrong.

I'm going to try again. I have figured out that I am going to be unhealthy no matter what I do- proper health, athletic, fit- those words do not mean anything to me for I cannot be "healthy". So either I must be fat or starving. For now at least, there is no in between for me. So I  choose to starve and work so hard that I no longer even like the smell of food.

I'm eating a good serving of oatmeal this morning (200) and will maybe make some more for dinner tonight or else go to the caf and eat a salad. I get out of class today at 3:30, and hopefully can make it to the gym to work out for an hour, if not I will borrow a Zumba video from my RA.

I will not fail this time. The school year is drawing to a close and spring is approaching so quickly that I cannot hope to hide behind my sweatshirts and long sleeves for much longer.

In truth, I am afraid. I don't want to fail this time.

.

Calorie counts have been absolutely amazing the past couple of days and I have been really sticking to my numbers for the ABC. I am absolutely in love with this diet too! I never figured that eating less than 500 calories would be so darn easy. Of course, I had to jinx myself.

Today went up in smoke, or rather chocolate. Aunt Flow came to visit me yesterday and I was fine until I woke up with cramps this morning and a terrible case of munchy cravings. I only had oatmeal in the morning (150) and took some tylenol for my cramps. I thought that I had everything under control until that one little mini Mr. Goodbar entered my mouth. To say that I went crazy was really an understatement. I don't think that it was just my period that drove me to a crazy binge, I think that this was a long time in the making. Today was supposed to be a 400 calorie day, but I've probably consumed around 1,000 (a part of me notes the sad part about how this is still below "normal"). I feel really disgusting right now and a bit of Mia is whispering to purge at least something. I won't. I really refuse to ever walk that road again.

Compared to during the summer, I'm beginning to have a more positive outlook on binging. I know that tomorrow is a new day. I know that today was just a fluke and tomorrow will be so easy to stick to (400...I don't go to the next day of the diet unless I've made or been under the calorie limit). It really is pointless to beat myself up about it. Yes, I feel fat, disgusting, gross, bulging, and like my sweatpants are suddenly tight again. But it's so much easier to make my goal the next day in not killing myself over a loss of control today. Truthfully, it was more of a controlled binge in the fact that in the back of my mind I made sure to stay below or at 1,000 calories for the day. On another plus side, my metabolism will have a nice little kick in the rear.


Sorry about being so chipper. It suprises even me. I should really be grumpy and crampy, but actually don't feel too bad, just bloated and slightly disgusted with myself. I feel good about losing all of my weight this time. Friday morning is my next weigh-in. I've been putting it off because I have been so afraid of seeing the numbers go up. Today I put on a favorite t-shirt that had been too tight for months. Today it was loose and I couldn't see any back rolls. Success? Maybe...one can always hope.


Stay strong dearest skinnys! I love you all very much. I promise to post again tomorrow.