I must confess, I have fallen into the college trend of Nike/sports shorts. They're comfy and a great alternative for days when I don't feel like dressing up whatsoever. I found this adorable pair of pink shorts on sale at Target a few weeks ago. To my dismay, they had ever size except the large that I needed. Instead of walking away, I thought to myself "I sure as hell am not going to get bigger, nor do I want to stay the same....so buy the medium!". And so I did. Every three days or so I get out the shorts to see if they fit. They're not nearly as tight as they used to be, but I still have many more pounds to go before I will look amazing in those beautiful pink shorts.
My last few posts have been incredibly brief and I apologize profusly for such neglect. I have come to understand that I failed last time because I relied solely on restricted eating to achieve the size I wanted. It worked....for a while and at a price. For one, it took longer than it should have to attain the sunken stomach appearance, and two, once I began to eat again I couldn't stop.
The lowest point I had this year was when I came home in May and finally stepped on the scale. Instead of reading the weight that I had started out with before bouts with ana, it read 171 lbs. On a 5' 2" frame this weight is horrendous! My younger brother began to kick me into shape with intense workouts and weight lifting.
I began changing....
Much of my life I have feared looking like one of those over-muscled women who appear to be men if you cover up the face. Wrongfully, I believed that lifting weights and doing any physical activity besides running would do that to my body. However, women do not have the proper hormones to build so much muscle. Instead, we are able to burn more fat and calories through weight-lifting. In lifting weights, one may weigh 130 lbs, but look like she is less than 120 lbs and a size 2. I found this incredible tumblr here that shows all of these amazing, beautiful, and strong women. Once I opened the page, I knew that the body I am truly supposed to have is featured among the scrolling pictures.
I now try to work out five days a week. Sometimes I don't always succeed, but when I do I feel amazing.
In the morning, I do not avoid the mirror when I am naked. Instead, I look at myself from each angle, deciding on what has changed and what still needs a large amount of work...my entire body falls into the latter of the two categories. But I have changed. Instead of bursting out of the size small unisex tees in my drawers, I now can put them on without stretching the shirt excessively beforehand. Now the only area that is tight is my chest. During my weight gain, my breasts jumped up to a 36DDD. Holy....boobs. I think I've always had breasts on the large size, but I couldn't believe the actual measurement! The good news, however, is that my bras are much looser now, which hopefully means that natural reduction is occurring.
In truth, I think my whole idea of body image is changing. I want to be strong. Not only do I want to be small enough to be lifted up by a guy, but also strong enough to be a bit of a challenge wrestling (the kind with the clothes on....I want to be moreso exciting in the kind without clothes, if you know what I mean...). I can still be entirely small and confident, yet still have well-toned muscles.
Perhaps I'm lazy. I haven't been counting calories like a proper lady should. I'm still working on that part. All I know is that I seek comfort in the knowledge that if I work, then I can be who I truly am supposed to be- beautiful.