Happy Little Feet

It seems as though I am beginning every new post with a silly excuse as to why I haven't been posting accompanied by profuse appologies. Well, this post won't begin any differently. The summer days stretch out and yet they feel as though they are far to filled with things to do. Whatever happened to those endless nights that usually accompany this time of year? And so here is my official appology: I'm really truly sorry I haven't posted in so long my dears!

I've had my ups and downs the past few days. I didn't do so hot on the ABC...after the 3rd day, I binged like crazy and it was really terrible. So for a while I got into a "normal" eating pattern and nearly lost all the progress I had made. In my family, eating is a social event in which we all gather around the table and "bond". This occurs pretty much every meal. So for nearly a week, I couldn't skip a single meal. I felt terrible and bloated. 

But now things are getting oh so much better. I got hired at a daycare/education center and now work with kids ages 3-10 years. It's really quite fun. But what makes it even more wonderful is my work schedule: 11am to 6pm every day. Usually, during the summer we pretty much eat seperate breakfasts...on the rare occasion my mum makes a big breakfast of scrambled eggs or something, but who doesn't need a little bit of protein every ones in a while? So that makes for a very easy meal to skip. I usually leave the house around 10:45am, which is far too early to eat lunch, making another skipped meal on my list. If I feel like I need a ton of energy or it's a high-calorie-intake-day, then I grab a granola bar when my mum is in the kitchen so it seems as though I'm at least snacking. I hate appearing like a pig in front of my family, but I know the facade of eating a lot will pay off in the long run when they start (if they start) questioning my weight loss. Around 11:30, the kids usually sit down to eat. Most days it's something really disgusting that I wouldn't want any time of day. So I usually sit with them and nibble on the day's veggie (I don't count veggies for my intake). By the time I get home around 6pm, my intake hovers between 0 and 100 calories. Not bad, eh?

Today was a 700 cal day. Truthfully, I was planning on between 500 and 600, but instead of having healthy (ish)  home made grilled hamburgers, we had pizza. I caved a bit. There's something about uber thin crust pizza that makes me want to binge like crazy. I'm sure there's less calories than normal pizza, but I still counted them as the usual calorie level of pizza. Despite my goal being broken, overall it wasn't a bad day.

I haven't weighed myself in ages. Truthfully, I'm really just a coward. In my mind, I'm going to be down to at least 145 lbs (last weight was 158 lbs) before I get on that scale, but I don't think I should wait that long. My set date for a weigh in is the morning of Saturday, June 4th. I can't afford to put it off any longer. My jeans are getting looser, especially in the legs now, which is fantastic news (I hate how fat/huge/absolutely disgusting my legs have become). Shirts that were too tight before and showed off rolls of back fat, now are a bit flattering to my figure. I'm starting to look in the mirror more before I step into the shower and in return for my courage, it shows me a stomach with fewer rolls, breasts that don't sag with the weight of excess fat, and an overall new tone to the rest of my body. Or maybe all of this is just in my imagination....

I'm having a boy over tonight. He's just a friend really. He's sweet, funny, loves the same movies I do, and is an overall nice guy. Bonus: he's pretty good looking. His name is BJ. We're just getting together to have a "Firefly" marathon. I'm really excited. A bit nervous though...we've only hung out in groups before. And mum was very kind the other day to point out that I am the only relative on both sides of the family that is not in a relationship or married. Great. No pressure, right, mum? Truthfully, I am content being friends, but I would certainly be happy if it turned into something more. But I'm not going to ruin anything by pursusing him. Besides, I'm old fashioned and want the boy to chase me. We'll just have to wait and see I guess. Perhaps love will find me, if not now then someday in a future much skinnier than the present.

French Connections

Hello, darlings! Sorry I've been away for a while. I don't have much time to write at the moment, but I promise a nice update tomorrow and to be overall more competent at blogging much more frequently. So for now, I will share with you some of my greatest thinspirations....anything and (nearly) everything FRENCH. I'm studying abroad there the Fall of 2012 and so I absolutely must be thin, beautiful, and confident by that time. Even though it's a whole year away, that is what keeps me going and pushing onwards towards my weight loss goals.

Stay strong and enjoy some thinspo! 

(Admittedly, they're not all French or from the area of France. I guess I just naturally associate thin and beautiful with that country)

xo, Violet

My Gift To You

In thanks for all of your lovely comments and just being overall more dedicated/kind/amazing than I actually deserve, I thought I'd share a bit of my favorite thinspo with you. One thing you should know, Japan is one of my obsessions. I love the culture, food, sights, and most of all I love the beautiful people! So without further delay, I present to you all my favorite Japan-style thinspo. Enjoy.

Day 1- Nothing Like a Competition to Liven the Family Bonds

Hello, ladies! It's been a while, but I am finally back home and all settled in. Finals went pretty well. Of course, the exam I thought I failed, I aced, whereas the exam I thought I aced turned out to be a 76%. Oh well, that's how life goes sometimes, isn't it? Overall, 3 As, 1 A- (hopefully participation grade and extra credit will bump it up to a solid A), and 1  B. Not bad for my second semester of college. But I am glad to be home again.

Before I start, I should probably say that I really really do love my mum. We have our arguments here and there, but we pretty much get along about everything....except weight. That is where we come into the most conflicts. I know she just wants her daughter to find love and happiness in the world. She just forgot that it is just as good to find love and happiness in one's self as well. I love her, but she really messed me up. I haven't gone a single day since 6th grade that I haven't thought about my weight or going on a diet. Most mothers tell daughters to love themselves just the way you are....my mum laughed when I told her that's what I wanted to be able to do. 

But anyway, mum has lost weight. Mind you, she's still much heavier than me. Still, I couldn't help but be jealous of her weightloss, especially when I mentioned she had lost weight and she said nothing to me (I know I've lost weight already, I can see it in pictures between Easter and Mother's Day). So mum came up with this "brilliant" plan to basically pay me to lose weight. Great, huh? I haven't quite determined if I'm happy or just peeved that she wants to pay me money. She's trying to lose weight too. The vain part of me refuses to let her see my weight until I'm around the 140 marker again, but for now I'll create my own little weightloss chart to show her once I've lost quite a bit (who knows...maybe she'll still pay me!). A little extra coin can go a long way for a college student. So basically, we're competing to see who can become the thinnest/lose the most weight. It's almost amusing to try to out-health each other when it comes to eating. Of coruse she doesn't realize that I don't eat breakfast and eat very little for lunch. Or maybe she just doesn't care.

It's just a hunch, but I'm pretty sure my mom was anorexic at some point in her life or might even be now. For some reason, I don't think it would suprise me. All of her actions towards her own body and mine would definitely be more understandable. I just hope I never ever act like this towards my daughters some day. My mum raised me wonderfully in everything else except in  issues of  body image and the like.

So other news. I decided to start ABC diet again. This is definitely going to be my summer for change! Today went wonderfully (500 cal or less day). I had a granola bar (90), light frappe from Starbucks (160), and a small pita from the great Pita Pit (250). Not bad, not bad. I had this weird feeling of fear when I was looking for the ABC diet outline on the web. I was just suddenly afraid of how dangerous it could be. But then I remembered that being overweight is dangerous too. Plus, I'd rather die of thinness than obesity...as morbid as a preference of death is.

Well, sorry for my lack of brevity darlings. My thoughts are feeling a bit scattered today. I have an interview for a job at a daycare on Thursday. Not a fantastic job by any means, but compared to my other options of the grocery store or the bar (mum wouldn't allow me to be around alcohol anyway), it looks pretty dang good. So shoot me a bit of luck. I'm contemplating whether or not to take two online classes this summer. Decisions decisions....

Tonight, I'm just going to relax and sip my tea....maybe watch a new episode of Firefly.

Permanence is Entirely Objective

Sometimes I like to excuse my gluttony and say that it's in my genetics- I am destined to be fat for the rest of my life. Often I trick myself to believe that my body is permanent. My stretch marks running across the space where my tighs used to barely touch are permanent. My jiggly tummy is permanent. My chubby cheeks that I've been cursed with for so long are most certainly permanent.

It is when I begin to think things like that, that I resort to a nice hard slap to the face via my own hand. I wake up. Permanence is what you make of it. You can be permantently fat or permanently thin. You can either permanently eat whatever shit you want or you can permanently watch every morsel that passes your eager lips. Etcetera etcetera etcetera.

My favorite past time is looking my own genetics in the "eye" and saying "fuck you".

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I'm sorry for being away for so long. College has gotten a bit hectic. I'm done finally on Wednesday, but before I can drive off into the methaphorical sunset, I have to get through two finals, two papers, and a speech. Not bad, but still frustrating enough to keep my nose in the books and my fingers away from the keyboard. 

I'm getting better, darlings. Not in the recovery sense, but in the fact that I have now placed a door mat welcoming Ana back into my life. I'm down to pretty much one meal a day: supper. There's plenty of places to find that either don't allow food or don't have any. For the first time all semester, I have spent hours in the confines of the cushioned couches of the library.

I love the feeling of hunger seeping in and I love the way my stomach growls as I imagine it shrinking in the process. I'm eating just enough to focus on my studies, which often is far more than what I would like to ingest. I can tell this summer will be a good time for weight loss. There will be no one to invite me to dinner and I can spend most of the day working. 

I'm sorry this isn't as good of an update as you all deserve, but it is the best I can give right now. I'm trying to finish that stupid paper tonight and maybe create a study guide for one class. Wish me luck, darlings! I shall give you a much better post on Thursday.

All my love,

 Violet

Promises

Sorry I haven't posted in so long darlings! I promise there will be a nice big update tonight. The college year is winding down and I'm getting plauged with preparations for finals. Have no fear, I'll keep my promise tonight!

xo
Violet