Day 42- He Doesn't Like Big Ankles

I was doing so good today. I had eggs and toast for breakfast (130), cantaloupe (50) and a spoonful of meat with cheese (30) for lunch, and some air-popped popcorn (45) with a handful of SweetTarts (100) for a snack with the kids. Total of 355 calories for the afternoon.

Supper didn't go so well.

We went to Godfather's pizza.

It was taco pizza.

Out the chimney with the grease smells went my control. I had two slices of pizza, one taco, the other sausage (400) and a piece of monkey bread (100).

Total for the day: 855 calories.

Status: piece of disgusting lard. I want to cry. Today I even realized that my current goal weight puts me at a BMI of 21. Twenty-frickin-one. That's so disgusting. I need to have a BMI of 19 at the most. How gross and pathetic is that!? Don't bother answering....I already know.

Wow. I feel so gross. I need to find a way to stop my sweet cravings. I want to punish myself. I want to cut away all of my exposed fat until there are only my bones left. I want to poke myself over and over with a thumb tack until I no longer love the smell of even chocolate soymilk. Of course, self mutilation is in the dangerland and I will never go there.

I'm going to do 100 crunches tonight and 50 full sit-ups. I need to work and work until I'm thin. My metabolism is already slowing, getting used to the idea of only 600 calories and not shrinking. I was only down 0.2 lbs this morning- 137.2 lbs. I feel rather depressed that I found this number exciting this morning. Now all I feel is fat and bloated.

No more meat for me and severely limited bread. I like the idea of feasting on salads for a while, at least until I'm 130 or 125 lbs. I'm scared to go back to Oregon...I don't want my family to see how fat I've become. I don't want to be the "husky" girl anymore.

I want to be the winter girl.