Day 36- End of the Sentence

I finally got my period last night. Of course, that's not a relief at all, but I was a bit peeved that it wasn't coming on time when I was having PMS 3 or 4 days ago.

Now I'm bloated and disgusting. I was up last night because my cramps hurt so bad. My stomach is so swollen and my face is a bit puffy and tired looking. Ugh. I hate it. It was even worse working on shelves 5 hours today at the store. I had zero energy and just didn't want to be repeatedly climbing that stupid ladder to reach the top shelves. Ouch. I've never had cramps this bad before. I was nauseous all day today (not a bad thing I suppose) so I barely did anything and was in a rather bad mood. I can't help it when my body acts this way.

How come I keep feeling smaller/thinner? Well, except for today of course. I weighed in at 138.2 lbs yesterday morning. I may weigh in tomorrow morning too, but we'll have to see. Does one retain water and such during that time of the month? YUCK.

And to top it off, my breasts ache terribly. So many girls wish to have big breasts and here I am wishing I was not so "endowed". I am a 36D cup size. Gross. They've gotten a bit smaller and I've had to short the band width, but I still have "Hooters" (I honestly could work at Hooters, no problem). I would do anything to have a 34C maybe even a 36B. I don't want to completely lose them, but right now I have to buy my shirts too big just so my chest can fit. I hate it. I can't wear baby dolls tops or flowy dresses. So disheartening.

I needed chocolate so badly today. Though I felt so sick this morning that I only ate half my bowl of cereal. Lunch was just some Easy Mac and half a bag of m&ms (bad!). Dinner was 1/4 breaded chicken breast, 1/2 grilled veggies, and 2/3 cup stuffing (super bad!). All in all though I'd probably say I had around 650 today, not counting whatever I burned off at the store today. It's killing me not knowing if it's even considered physical activity to be stocking and straightening shelves.

I really need to find some good motivation.  I find myself passing the time blogging and looking up thinspo instead of exercising. I feel gross and so out of shape. I need to find some sort of exercise that I love to do or something. I'm excited for the aerobics class, but that doesn't start for another week. I can't handle walking the dog (she's too strong and doesn't listen to me) and I lose interest running on the treadmill.

What to do? What to do?

I need some motivation fast or I fear that I will never reach my goal. I'm so unsure if I can lose 18 lbs in only 13 days. I don't even think that's possible without eating for at least 5 of those days. Tempting.....but can I pull off a fast? I haven't tried a fast for 3 years.

There we go! I made a split-second decision and so tomorrow I shall fast. Just liquids all day. I hope I can do it! I'll be out shopping so hopefully I'll spend my money on makeup and maybe clothes and not have enough for food. I don't think I'll try fasting for more than 1 day at a time for now- it would be all too terrible if I broke it and binged away. So I'll try fast, eat, eat, fast, eat, eat, fast, eat, fast, eat, fast, eat, fast. Or something like that. I'll start with two days of eating carefully between fasts then work my way up to just a day between, then who knows?

I will be thin.

I MUST be thin!