Day 34- Chill Pills

I finally bought a scale of my own today. It was as nice as my new college student budget could allow. It is one of the many scales endorsed by the "Biggest Loser" program- it records your weight and BMI as well as the calorie intake needed to maintain that weight. I rather like the calorie feature, though when I weighed myself as a tester with all my heavy clothes on (sweats, oversized sweatshirt, t-shirt, etc.) it said that I would need to eat 1,900 calories to stay at that weight. LIAR. I would be the biggest cow in the world if I ate that many calories! I hope the numbers will look a bit different when I weigh myself tomorrow (sans clothing) (I was using my bother's scale in the downstairs bathroom before).

I was so bummed out that blogspot was down last night. I had so much to write, but now as the hours grow later and later I find myself searching for things to write about. I want to sleep. But I also just love to stay up late. I read and read into the early hours of the morning just to hear my stomach growl. Is it sad that it does not growl until 1 am? I must be eating too much during the day! It's rather pathetic.

My brother told me today to wear a belt- my pants were too baggy to keep on without one. These were the pants that were nearly too tight at the queen contest nearly two weeks ago. How can I still be losing weight? I haven't been trying nearly as hard as I should be and I feel disgusting all the time. I'm sure the scale will tell me I am fat tomorrow- that the weight has not gone away, but rather stayed the same, or to my horror have gone up.

I don't want to be fat.

I see my face thinning out and I like it. I use a touch of bronzer every day to give the appearance that I have enough guts to roam about in the sun with my bathing suit. How I wish I did not have to fake that. I want to be able to put on a swim suit with confidence, maybe even turn heads in that blushingly good way.

I suppose I should sleep, but maybe I will stay up late again all the same to feel the emptiness I long for each day. In a way, that emptiness tells me there is still hope for perfection. It tells me I can live in my own thin world. Forever.