Welcome Back

Who can define normal? 

Perfection?

Thin?

I can't right now and I really don't want to.

Ana is my normal. Ana is my perfection. With Ana I will be thin.

Vacation was fantastic. I haven't had a proper tan since I was a child running around the sprinklers all summer long. It looks lovely on me and I do hope it takes a while to fade. I'm not sure when I will have the nerve to get back into a bikini, especially around anyone besides my family.

Sadly enough, I gained at most 1.2 lbs. I weighed myself at 11 am this morning after eating one small blueberry muffin (200) and drinking a large glass of water. I am now 136.2 lbs. Is it sad that I feel relief in those numbers? Is it pathetic that I was so afraid that I was back to 140 lbs or worse when my goal before leaving had been to lose at least 5 lbs? I find it disgusting. Yet I can't help feeling relief.

On the ship, all of our meals were scheduled. Well, 2 scheduled by my parents, one by the formal dining part of the cruise. The breakfast and lunch were buffets of every sort of food imaginable. Surprisingly enough I gravitated toward the vegetarian foods more than the large array of pizza, hamburgers, and whatnot. This proves my theory that if given the selection, I'll choose veggies over meat.

The sad part is that those buffets also contained a large amount of sweets. A whole effing line of tummy thickening foods. Of course I ate some. I am so ashamed to admit it and yet I know that if I don't confess and pretend to be perfect for all of you lovely skinnys, then I would really be an effed up person.

Dinners were three courses served with bread. I didn't eat the bread 2 out of the 5 nights on board. I had salads for the appetizers and mostly veggie dishes for the main course. Of course, those main dishes were pasta, asparagus pie, and other calorie loaded "healthy" foods. And the desserts....I just won't get into that part. I am quite ashamed.

I think the worst part of all that food was that I felt "normal". Ana was pushed to the back of my mind and I felt so damn carefree it was almost scary. I dressed in something other than a t-shirt and my family actually gave me compliments on them. I don't remember the moment I lost my control, but it happened. Vacation is supposed to be a break from reality and the stresses of everyday life. It was for me. It was 10 whole days of fun, food, calories, and silent Ana.

But now I'm back. Ana was waiting for me, whispering,  longing for me to come home. I'm ready to begin again. I don't regret my time away, but I know I must work all the more harder to regain control and find my perfection.

Starting tomorrow, I will be on a liquid diet. My GI doctor wants me to switch to an IV medication for my Colitis before I go to college, but I just don't want to do it. Frankly, it scares the shit out of me. So I talked to my mum and decided that I would try a liquid diet to get my colon settled and hopefully cause my Colitis to go into remission. Perfect. Yes, I want to heal my colon, but at the same time I really wanted to start this diet so I could lose even more weight. Having my mum know and approve of it will be so much easier to do.

I'm going to to store tomorrow to buy juice that I will drink for the first time in months, chocolate soymilk, and possibly some instant breakfast packets. The goal is to drink a ton, but secretly control my intake without my family realizing it. Calories will be 800, 600, 400, 200, fast. The fasting will of course just include water and tea. Once my body gets used to the idea of just having liquids, I won't feel the need to chew on something "substantial".

I work at the resteraunt tomorrow, so hopefully I can get away with eating just veggies there and nothing more.

Shoot me some luck, dear Skinnys. It's good to be back!