My vacation has come and gone. The family and I set off across 15 states to wind up in Oregon to see the relatives. I started off with a goal to stay at 135 lbs or lose even more weight. I went equipped with thinspo music, knitting supplies, books, pre-calorie-counted foods, and diet pills. Result?I am stupidfatfuckinglazyretardedidiotbloateddisgustingpiggy......
.......I am a failure.
I am so afraid to step on that scale tomorrow morning. I know I'll have to do it, but I am so scared to see how much weight has come back. I feel in the wiggling of my tummy, see it in the fatty bugles of my thighs that I am back to at least 140 lbs.
I leave for New York and Bermuda 12 days from tomorrow. How much weight can one lose in just 12 days?
I will not eat.What I do eat I will burn off until I faint
No breakfast. No lunch. Small supper.
Raw veggies and fruits. Soymilk. Coffee.
I can't be a failure anymore. I can't be fat. I can't be disgusting. I can't have my family looking at my plate all the time. I can't lose my control again.
My scarf unraveled 10 times. I watched 10 movies. I ate snacks every day in the car. I lost complete and utter control every day after that first mistake of a day, my birthday. Funny that it should be on the day that I wanted to weigh 120 lbs that I lost all my control. I lost my internet and so my thinspo and lovely blogging skinnys. I lost contact with the thin world that I am dying to live in once more.
Ana, where the hell are you!?
I need to be at least 130 lbs by Bermuda. Better yet, 125 lbs. Again, how much can one lose in 12 days?
I can't fail. I don't want to be fatlonelyuglystupiddisgustingpiggyunlovedboyfriendless.
2 comments:
I have failed too! I need to get back in control! no lunch today! xxxxxxx Good Luck
We can do it! Failure will only make our determination stronger than ever. Good luck to you too, dear!
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