Day 26- Aunt Flow and Her Red Sister

Dear Aunt Flow and Red Sister,

I HATE you both. That's all.

I shouldn't blame the time of the month for this, and yet I cling to that feeling in the selfish way a child would cling to a lie of not breaking something of value. I hate myself.

I'm scared to weigh myself anymore. I know I've gained some weight back again. I binged a bit today too. Most definitely 900 calories. Damn you, apparently healthy sandwiches with nearly 500 calories, damn you! I feel disgusting.

We had the town queen contest today. I was a candidate and got to ride in a float. My arms jiggled and my thighs were huge. I felt like Bertha the Whale in my beautiful convertible (borrowed). I didn't win. I have the personality, but I'm fat. The fat girls never win the contest, get the boy, find the job, or have a life. The thin girl with the lovely tan and golden long hair won. Go figure. Nice girl, but that tiny part of me knows that if I had been at least 20 lbs smaller then I would have won, no doubt.

I want to win. I want to have boys fawning over me. I want to get the scholarships and the job interviews. I want to be successful and perfect. I must be down to at least 120 lbs by my 18th birthday on June 22nd. I have 24 days.

After that, I will be 110 lbs by the end of July, maybe even close to 100 lbs by the time college starts up. The thought of weighing so little scares me. But perfection is worth it. My thighs must never touch and my stomach must be nothing but concave ever again.

I have planned a reward for getting down to at least 110 lbs by the time I begin college: my first tattoo. I am so excited. Of course, my parents must never know. I mentioned it once and they said if I ever got a tattoo, they would never help with college costs again. I will be secretive though. Placement will either be on the back of my neck or on my lower ribs (I'll be nearly thin enough then).

I am going to starve tomorrow. Just eat breakfast and that is it for the entire day. Usually on Sundays my parents take the whole family (I have one younger brother- 18 months apart) out to eat. I will eat only eggs and fruit. No muffins or pancakes shall pass my lips. No meat either.

I will be perfect. Perfection shows control.