Redefining Violet

I'm changing, my darlings, and it is hard to put into proper words what that change is, let alone what it means. I've spent some time reading through my past via the postings from two summers ago, etcetera. There is a conclusion to which I have now come to about the two aspects of greatest similarity during each period of extreme weight loss: controlled and miserable.


Yes, I seemed happy when those beautiful size 5 demin shorty shorts fit perfectly on my hips without so much as a slight caress on my thighs. But that happiness faded as I continued to worry about each and every thing I ate, feeling as though I was literally expanding with every mouthful of excess calories. When I became thin, all I wanted was to be thinner. The only things I relied on to make my day worthwhile were the lowest possible calories consumed, the size of my pants, and the number on the scale written down twice a day. That isn't happiness...it's misery. I had so much power in controlling to an extreme what I ate. It felt like such a good thing. Instead, it was a constant reminder that perfection meant a number and how far up my arm I could encircle with my thumb and middle finger.
I'm so different from what I was then. No longer am I ana's little bitch, sad and alone, wishing for perfection through a "life style".
I think I knew I could make this change the right way after my ass was thoroughly kicked, then handed back to me full of a strength I didn't know I could possess. Six days a week, I drag myself out of bed and head downstairs. Within the concrete walls of my basement, I do cardio, lift weights, squat, and every other physical activity meant to build strength. All of my preconceived notions have been officially stripped away. Maybe my pants size does not reflect it, but I have shed something to reveal a new form of myself. I think this me is here to stay.
Once, I was afraid that my calves would become even bigger if I focused on them (they have always been strong from cheerleading). Now, they are slimmer than ever and I no longer fear the effort of tugging the legs of my skinny jeans over them. At the beginning of the summer, I was in a size medium unisex shirt. Now, my size smalls are becoming too large and the idea of stretching them out in any area, even the bust, seems utterly preposterous. The bras whose cups could easily cover a friend's face (she demonstrated it once and we all had a good laugh...at my expense) are now only 3/4 full of my breasts. The rest of my body is changing right along with it. Every morning I look in the mirror and can see it. My stomach is tightening up and the only lines that appear are the beginnings of defined abdominals.
But these changes, although wonderful, are not the most important.
I am happy.
Truly and deeply I feel happy. There is a renewed energy about me that is nearly palpable to my family and friends that I see (even through Skype).
I think it's here to stay.
Tomorrow, I'm running. Before, I always told myself that I would never try to run until I was skinny enough to look good doing it. Tomorrow will be my second time.
I'm getting stronger.
I'm happier.
But better yet, I think I am truly becoming me.

The "S" Words

There are two of them really, or at least two that I am currently thinking of. Want to know what they are? We'll get to that in a bit.

I've definitely been going through reasons why I'm trying to lose so much weight. For one, I'm craving that confiendence that is stored so deeply within my layers of fat that I simply must shed them all in order to uncover it once more. However, that is a "c" word, so we're not there with.
Relationships. Well, let's just say I really haven't had more than rediculous high school freshmen type "love" and a summer fling with a guy that I really just loved as a friend. I think my problem goes back to being not confident enough and never thinking that a guy could actually like me. Sure, I do allow myself to have the occasional fantasy that some incredibly attractive man is giving me a good, sexy look over. There is this one guy in Best Buy that I've made this sexy sort of eye contact with on several different visits. I'm sure he's just looking around the room, but I endure these illusions of gradeur anyway. Besides, he's incredibly attractive: perfect facial hair that doesn't give off the yeah-I'm-a-douche vibe, honest eyes, and very muscular.
Now this leads to the "s" that you've all been waiting for (doubtful, yes, but again...grandeur).

Sex.

I haven't done it. I'm twenty years old and I have yet to be with a guy in that manner. Sure, maybe it's something that I should be proud of since much of America seems to encourage nonsensical shows like "Teen Mom" that idolize horrid parenting by teenagers (my apologies if any of you like the show, or even have similar circumstances...no judgment here, promise!).

But I want it.

Which leads me to my goal and other "s" word: skinny. Despite how much I want it, I don't think I would have the courage to allow any garments to be removed without my body being the way I want it to be: skinny.
And so I continue to get up at rediculous hours...okay for summer, 7:00am is qualified as such...to work out excessively.
Thus, it is possible that one of my resulting goals is that I am working out for sex.
Interesting proposition, no? I think my dear Mr. Freud would be so proud. Another part of me hopes that attractive Best Buy man would be willing....

xo, Violet

An Ode to the Pink Shorts

I must confess, I have fallen into the college trend of Nike/sports shorts. They're comfy and a great alternative for days when I don't feel like dressing up whatsoever. I found this adorable pair of pink shorts on sale at Target a few weeks ago. To my dismay, they had ever size except the large that I needed. Instead of walking away, I thought to myself "I sure as hell am not going to get bigger, nor do I want to stay the same....so buy the medium!". And so I did. Every three days or so I get out the shorts to see if they fit. They're not nearly as tight as they used to be, but I still have many more pounds to go before I will look amazing in those beautiful pink shorts.

My last few posts have been incredibly brief and I apologize profusly for such neglect. I have come to understand that I failed last time because I relied solely on restricted eating to achieve the size I wanted. It worked....for a while and at a price. For one, it took longer than it should have to attain the sunken stomach appearance, and two, once I began to eat again I couldn't stop.

The lowest point I had this year was when I came home in May and finally stepped on the scale. Instead of reading the weight that I had started out with before bouts with ana, it read 171 lbs. On a 5' 2" frame this weight is horrendous! My younger brother began to kick me into shape with intense workouts and weight lifting.

I began changing....

Much of my life I have feared looking like one of those over-muscled women who appear to be men if you cover up the face. Wrongfully, I believed that lifting weights and doing any physical activity besides running would do that to my body. However, women do not have the proper hormones to build so much muscle. Instead, we are able to burn more fat and calories through weight-lifting. In lifting weights, one may weigh 130 lbs, but look like she is less than 120 lbs and a size 2. I found this incredible tumblr here that shows all of these amazing, beautiful, and strong women. Once I opened the page, I knew that the body I am truly supposed to have is featured among the scrolling pictures.

I now try to work out five days a week. Sometimes I don't always succeed, but when I do I feel amazing.

In the morning, I do not avoid the mirror when I am naked. Instead, I look at myself from each angle, deciding on what has changed and what still needs a large amount of work...my entire body falls into the latter of the two categories. But I have changed. Instead of bursting out of the size small unisex tees in my drawers, I now can put them on without stretching the shirt excessively beforehand. Now the only area that is tight is my chest. During my weight gain, my breasts jumped up to a 36DDD. Holy....boobs. I think I've always had breasts on the large size, but I couldn't believe the actual measurement! The good news, however, is that my bras are much looser now, which hopefully means that natural reduction is occurring.

In truth, I think my whole idea of body image is changing. I want to be strong. Not only do I want to be small enough to be lifted up by a guy, but also strong enough to be a bit of a challenge wrestling (the kind with the clothes on....I want to be moreso exciting in the kind without clothes, if you know what I mean...). I can still be entirely small and confident, yet still have well-toned muscles.

Perhaps I'm lazy. I haven't been counting calories like a proper lady should. I'm still working on that part. All I know is that I seek comfort in the knowledge that if I work, then I can be who I truly am supposed to be- beautiful.

Becoming: Extraordinary

That word- extraordinary- has been such an emotional word for me. Above all things in life, I desire most to be that word. At times it can reduce me to tears, whereas other times it makes me push just a bit harder against my own percieved limits.

I'm getting stronger.

Witty Title Here ----->

Things have been going well so far. I am still afraid to weigh myself; one more reminder of how wrong my thinking has become. I had a mini panic attack the other day. I had planned on consuming 500 calories or less, but my friends (whom I haven't seen for nearly a year) suggested we go out to Cold Stone for dessert and girl talk. I was okay with that, telling myself that I would just get a kid's sized single flavor with sprinkles. Then, of course, mom made cheeseburgers for lunch again (400 cal) after I had eaten homemade oatmeal for breakfast (100 cal). Fearful, I decided to look up the calories of Cold Stone ice cream. There wasn't a single item on the menu that was less that 300 calories! I panicked. My stomach clenched, my sight became narrowed, and I suddenly wanted to fake being sick so I wouldn't have to go. I went any way. But it got worse: between the three of us, we shared four "Love It" sized servings (it was college night "2 for $5 Love It" special). I failed so miserably. Even thinking about it now makes me want to throw up anything that I have ingested today.

But I can't focus on the past so much. My stomach is growling and I love it. So far, I have had 12 dark chocolate (powder, not dipped) almonds (80 cal). This morning I got up around 7:00 and went to the basement to work out. I completed four circuits of cardio from the Insanity Workout ( I got the idea from the Self magazine website here). I also did seven intense minutes of abs. By the end of the twenty-five minutes, I was pouring sweat. I didn't have enough time to do my weight training on the Bowflex, but tomorrow I will. Theoretically, I should be also to just count off the calories I burned, but 1) I don't actually know how many nor how to calculate them, and 2) I will eat less believing that I haven't burned anything off.

Speaking of burns....I have second degree sunburn on my lower breasts. I was an idiot and took a fantastic book outside to read for half an hour without putting on sunscreen. Before I realized it, two whole hours had passed. It's been about a week and a half since that happened and I can finally sleep on my stomach without severe pain. Needless to say, I will now be content to be pale for the rest of my life so long as I never have to have a bad sunburn like this again.

To keep some brevity, I shall bid you lovelies adieu. Stay strong and be beautiful!

xo Violet

The Return of Violet

It's been another year of ups and downs- a whirlwind of imperfection and desperation. 

I tried to push ana away and embrace myself, curves and all. It worked for a little while...and then I went up another jeans size and began fearing the warm weather that winter suddenly brought with it.

My friends tried an "intervention" with me during my embrace-myself time. You'd think that they'd have the common sense to know that I was definitely not starving myself during that period. They had a meeting with my Resident Director. It was embarrassing. It made me want to start starving once more.

But that didn't work. Finals came, and with stress came the need for more coffee. With the need for more coffee came calorie-loaded drinks with triple shots of espresso. With those calorie-loaded drinks came another five pounds and size medium t-shirts.

I'm embarrassed to say the weight that my short frame now carries. I don't think I have the courage to post it quite yet. But I can promise that this is a new beginning.When August comes around again and I head back to campus, I will no longer be the shy girl who walked with her head down and was noticed by no one. I won't be the automatic friend-zone. I will turn heads. I will have an opinion that is clearly heard. I will finally be the me that I feel is hidden deep within the confines of my fatten stomach. I refuse to be held back any longer.

I'm finally back, dear ones, and I don't think I'll be leaving any time soon.

Happy Little Feet

It seems as though I am beginning every new post with a silly excuse as to why I haven't been posting accompanied by profuse appologies. Well, this post won't begin any differently. The summer days stretch out and yet they feel as though they are far to filled with things to do. Whatever happened to those endless nights that usually accompany this time of year? And so here is my official appology: I'm really truly sorry I haven't posted in so long my dears!

I've had my ups and downs the past few days. I didn't do so hot on the ABC...after the 3rd day, I binged like crazy and it was really terrible. So for a while I got into a "normal" eating pattern and nearly lost all the progress I had made. In my family, eating is a social event in which we all gather around the table and "bond". This occurs pretty much every meal. So for nearly a week, I couldn't skip a single meal. I felt terrible and bloated. 

But now things are getting oh so much better. I got hired at a daycare/education center and now work with kids ages 3-10 years. It's really quite fun. But what makes it even more wonderful is my work schedule: 11am to 6pm every day. Usually, during the summer we pretty much eat seperate breakfasts...on the rare occasion my mum makes a big breakfast of scrambled eggs or something, but who doesn't need a little bit of protein every ones in a while? So that makes for a very easy meal to skip. I usually leave the house around 10:45am, which is far too early to eat lunch, making another skipped meal on my list. If I feel like I need a ton of energy or it's a high-calorie-intake-day, then I grab a granola bar when my mum is in the kitchen so it seems as though I'm at least snacking. I hate appearing like a pig in front of my family, but I know the facade of eating a lot will pay off in the long run when they start (if they start) questioning my weight loss. Around 11:30, the kids usually sit down to eat. Most days it's something really disgusting that I wouldn't want any time of day. So I usually sit with them and nibble on the day's veggie (I don't count veggies for my intake). By the time I get home around 6pm, my intake hovers between 0 and 100 calories. Not bad, eh?

Today was a 700 cal day. Truthfully, I was planning on between 500 and 600, but instead of having healthy (ish)  home made grilled hamburgers, we had pizza. I caved a bit. There's something about uber thin crust pizza that makes me want to binge like crazy. I'm sure there's less calories than normal pizza, but I still counted them as the usual calorie level of pizza. Despite my goal being broken, overall it wasn't a bad day.

I haven't weighed myself in ages. Truthfully, I'm really just a coward. In my mind, I'm going to be down to at least 145 lbs (last weight was 158 lbs) before I get on that scale, but I don't think I should wait that long. My set date for a weigh in is the morning of Saturday, June 4th. I can't afford to put it off any longer. My jeans are getting looser, especially in the legs now, which is fantastic news (I hate how fat/huge/absolutely disgusting my legs have become). Shirts that were too tight before and showed off rolls of back fat, now are a bit flattering to my figure. I'm starting to look in the mirror more before I step into the shower and in return for my courage, it shows me a stomach with fewer rolls, breasts that don't sag with the weight of excess fat, and an overall new tone to the rest of my body. Or maybe all of this is just in my imagination....

I'm having a boy over tonight. He's just a friend really. He's sweet, funny, loves the same movies I do, and is an overall nice guy. Bonus: he's pretty good looking. His name is BJ. We're just getting together to have a "Firefly" marathon. I'm really excited. A bit nervous though...we've only hung out in groups before. And mum was very kind the other day to point out that I am the only relative on both sides of the family that is not in a relationship or married. Great. No pressure, right, mum? Truthfully, I am content being friends, but I would certainly be happy if it turned into something more. But I'm not going to ruin anything by pursusing him. Besides, I'm old fashioned and want the boy to chase me. We'll just have to wait and see I guess. Perhaps love will find me, if not now then someday in a future much skinnier than the present.

French Connections

Hello, darlings! Sorry I've been away for a while. I don't have much time to write at the moment, but I promise a nice update tomorrow and to be overall more competent at blogging much more frequently. So for now, I will share with you some of my greatest thinspirations....anything and (nearly) everything FRENCH. I'm studying abroad there the Fall of 2012 and so I absolutely must be thin, beautiful, and confident by that time. Even though it's a whole year away, that is what keeps me going and pushing onwards towards my weight loss goals.

Stay strong and enjoy some thinspo! 

(Admittedly, they're not all French or from the area of France. I guess I just naturally associate thin and beautiful with that country)

xo, Violet

My Gift To You

In thanks for all of your lovely comments and just being overall more dedicated/kind/amazing than I actually deserve, I thought I'd share a bit of my favorite thinspo with you. One thing you should know, Japan is one of my obsessions. I love the culture, food, sights, and most of all I love the beautiful people! So without further delay, I present to you all my favorite Japan-style thinspo. Enjoy.

Day 1- Nothing Like a Competition to Liven the Family Bonds

Hello, ladies! It's been a while, but I am finally back home and all settled in. Finals went pretty well. Of course, the exam I thought I failed, I aced, whereas the exam I thought I aced turned out to be a 76%. Oh well, that's how life goes sometimes, isn't it? Overall, 3 As, 1 A- (hopefully participation grade and extra credit will bump it up to a solid A), and 1  B. Not bad for my second semester of college. But I am glad to be home again.

Before I start, I should probably say that I really really do love my mum. We have our arguments here and there, but we pretty much get along about everything....except weight. That is where we come into the most conflicts. I know she just wants her daughter to find love and happiness in the world. She just forgot that it is just as good to find love and happiness in one's self as well. I love her, but she really messed me up. I haven't gone a single day since 6th grade that I haven't thought about my weight or going on a diet. Most mothers tell daughters to love themselves just the way you are....my mum laughed when I told her that's what I wanted to be able to do. 

But anyway, mum has lost weight. Mind you, she's still much heavier than me. Still, I couldn't help but be jealous of her weightloss, especially when I mentioned she had lost weight and she said nothing to me (I know I've lost weight already, I can see it in pictures between Easter and Mother's Day). So mum came up with this "brilliant" plan to basically pay me to lose weight. Great, huh? I haven't quite determined if I'm happy or just peeved that she wants to pay me money. She's trying to lose weight too. The vain part of me refuses to let her see my weight until I'm around the 140 marker again, but for now I'll create my own little weightloss chart to show her once I've lost quite a bit (who knows...maybe she'll still pay me!). A little extra coin can go a long way for a college student. So basically, we're competing to see who can become the thinnest/lose the most weight. It's almost amusing to try to out-health each other when it comes to eating. Of coruse she doesn't realize that I don't eat breakfast and eat very little for lunch. Or maybe she just doesn't care.

It's just a hunch, but I'm pretty sure my mom was anorexic at some point in her life or might even be now. For some reason, I don't think it would suprise me. All of her actions towards her own body and mine would definitely be more understandable. I just hope I never ever act like this towards my daughters some day. My mum raised me wonderfully in everything else except in  issues of  body image and the like.

So other news. I decided to start ABC diet again. This is definitely going to be my summer for change! Today went wonderfully (500 cal or less day). I had a granola bar (90), light frappe from Starbucks (160), and a small pita from the great Pita Pit (250). Not bad, not bad. I had this weird feeling of fear when I was looking for the ABC diet outline on the web. I was just suddenly afraid of how dangerous it could be. But then I remembered that being overweight is dangerous too. Plus, I'd rather die of thinness than obesity...as morbid as a preference of death is.

Well, sorry for my lack of brevity darlings. My thoughts are feeling a bit scattered today. I have an interview for a job at a daycare on Thursday. Not a fantastic job by any means, but compared to my other options of the grocery store or the bar (mum wouldn't allow me to be around alcohol anyway), it looks pretty dang good. So shoot me a bit of luck. I'm contemplating whether or not to take two online classes this summer. Decisions decisions....

Tonight, I'm just going to relax and sip my tea....maybe watch a new episode of Firefly.

Permanence is Entirely Objective

Sometimes I like to excuse my gluttony and say that it's in my genetics- I am destined to be fat for the rest of my life. Often I trick myself to believe that my body is permanent. My stretch marks running across the space where my tighs used to barely touch are permanent. My jiggly tummy is permanent. My chubby cheeks that I've been cursed with for so long are most certainly permanent.

It is when I begin to think things like that, that I resort to a nice hard slap to the face via my own hand. I wake up. Permanence is what you make of it. You can be permantently fat or permanently thin. You can either permanently eat whatever shit you want or you can permanently watch every morsel that passes your eager lips. Etcetera etcetera etcetera.

My favorite past time is looking my own genetics in the "eye" and saying "fuck you".

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I'm sorry for being away for so long. College has gotten a bit hectic. I'm done finally on Wednesday, but before I can drive off into the methaphorical sunset, I have to get through two finals, two papers, and a speech. Not bad, but still frustrating enough to keep my nose in the books and my fingers away from the keyboard. 

I'm getting better, darlings. Not in the recovery sense, but in the fact that I have now placed a door mat welcoming Ana back into my life. I'm down to pretty much one meal a day: supper. There's plenty of places to find that either don't allow food or don't have any. For the first time all semester, I have spent hours in the confines of the cushioned couches of the library.

I love the feeling of hunger seeping in and I love the way my stomach growls as I imagine it shrinking in the process. I'm eating just enough to focus on my studies, which often is far more than what I would like to ingest. I can tell this summer will be a good time for weight loss. There will be no one to invite me to dinner and I can spend most of the day working. 

I'm sorry this isn't as good of an update as you all deserve, but it is the best I can give right now. I'm trying to finish that stupid paper tonight and maybe create a study guide for one class. Wish me luck, darlings! I shall give you a much better post on Thursday.

All my love,

 Violet