The Truth About Empty

It has been a very long time and so I must apologize to you all.

I have discovered something. I'm not sure if I like it at all. There is a side of emptiness that no one had told me about before. I sought after empty for so long and embraced it like a long lost friend on the days I felt down the most. Emptiness lifted me up on bubbly clouds and dreams of empty spaces between my thighs.

But there is a dark side, a secret part of emptiness. I am now forever empty. It doesn't matter what I have or have not eaten, I am empty. My stomach is a bottomless pit. I can binge as much as I want and never feel full. I can drown myself in water and coffee, yet I still can have more. I want more. I am empty.

I wished for emptiness and I recieved it. And now I do not want it. My heart is empty. I cannot find the drive to move forward, to run until I pass out, or to sneer at the sight of my untouched food. That emptiness in my stomach has expanded and consumed me like a cancer. I did not heed the warning: be careful what you wish for. It was my own stupidity that drove me to this point.

It started during my visit home. I am not placing blame on that house, on my family, but there is something there that triggers me and suddenly I find myself standing in the pantry shoving as much cookies into my mouth as I can. It is like I am in a trance. I cannot remember how I got there or what I ate, I just find the empty wrappers in my hands, feel the guilty tastes of leftover crumbs on my tongue. I scold myself, hide all the wrappers in a napkin, and then go back for more. What is it about that house that drives me to such a great insanity? What is it about being home that makes the emptiness so unbearable?

I want to give up. But I don't want to give up. I know now that I will always be empty inside. Whether I am 200 pounds or a mere 90 pounds, I will always feel empty, hollow, nothing but a shadow. All I have to do is decide what type of empty I want- which is the lesser of two darknesses? Which should I be tempted and consumed by? Shall I consume food or let it consume me? 

Summer is approaching so quickly and I am afraid. I am not yet ready. Is it wrong to ask for more time? I need more time. I walk and try to ignore my thighs that never leave each other. I try to ignore the way my chest expands and my arms sag. I try to be normal and feel happy about the way I look. But I can't. I avoid the mirror again and again  each day. Trying to find some sort of beauty hidden beneath the layers of chub, cellulite, and double chin. I want to be beautiful.


I think I've made a decision. I just pray that I can carry it through. Food is the enemy- that is a fact that will remain true no matter what I choose. I suppose that I would rather avoid an enemy than allow it to conquer me in a slew of clinking forks and oversized plates. No more. No more food. I have chosen the type of empty I want for myself. Ana beckons and holds out her skeletal hand to me. I take it. I will follow her further into my own emptiness.