No Maps to Ana-Land

Where have I been? Sometimes I don't even know. I was on Spring Break for the past ten days and as much as I wanted to, I just couldn't bring myself to blog the entire time. I'm really ashamed of myself, to put it lightly at least. I don't know how to do things right any more.

What did I do over my break? I baked. I made cookies, banana bread, pumpkin bread, and pumpkin muffins. It was my mum and I's "bonding time". It was fun, yes, but I don't even dare to try to calculate the calories I consumded during the week in taste testing alone. We ate out a lot- all of my favorite restaurants of course. I didn't stop to count calories, I just ate whatever I felt like that day and didn't give a fuck otherwise.

I look at myself in the mirror and see a whale. A fucking huge whale that can barely even swim in the ocean of tiny fishes because it is so overbearingly huge. I think I gained back all of the weight I lost and maybe even a little extra. I see bumps on my thighs now and wiggly fat lines on my stomach. I can move my face without seeing a double chin and already my neck is becoming fatty and puffed out.

I have failed.

But I don't think I was ever really  trying that hard. I didn't work hard. I just assumed that the moment I quit eating then all the fat would go away. I was lazy, pathetic, and most importantly wrong.

I'm going to try again. I have figured out that I am going to be unhealthy no matter what I do- proper health, athletic, fit- those words do not mean anything to me for I cannot be "healthy". So either I must be fat or starving. For now at least, there is no in between for me. So I  choose to starve and work so hard that I no longer even like the smell of food.

I'm eating a good serving of oatmeal this morning (200) and will maybe make some more for dinner tonight or else go to the caf and eat a salad. I get out of class today at 3:30, and hopefully can make it to the gym to work out for an hour, if not I will borrow a Zumba video from my RA.

I will not fail this time. The school year is drawing to a close and spring is approaching so quickly that I cannot hope to hide behind my sweatshirts and long sleeves for much longer.

In truth, I am afraid. I don't want to fail this time.