Pull My Trigger (Please)

I'm going to apologize: I've led you all on so many times saying that I'm going to "come back". To say that I've become "weak" is an understatement really. I think I've just become downright pathetic. I've used my ED as an excuse to eat and eat and eat, claiming that I have deprived myself too long and deserve a little extra. I got the extra food, then I got the extra fat that came with it. I claimed that God made me beautiful no matter what the world says and for a while I even believed it.

I was wrong.

I looked in the mirror and for the first time saw the fat, the huge breasts, the chubby face, and the beginnings of stretch marks on the inside of my thighs. I can't imagine that God would make me this way. We discussed the concept of the soul in my Philosophy class the other day. I won't go into details, but maybe our "soul" is the image of God (we are created in the "image" of God). If that is the case, then my body is just a shell, shaped not by my Lord, but by the society in which I live. What is underneath really is what counts and should be beautiful....for God and for the world....but maybe my fatty outsides can be shaped by my own beauty. Surely I cannot take this body to Heaven. We dig up bones all the time of bodies long gone, so does that not prove that our bodies are only Earthly material objects?

I want my soul to be pure and bring glory to God. I want my body to be thin, pure, and bring a new beauty to God and society.

Am I vain? Most probably so. 

Am I already too messed up to care? You bet. 

I tried to lose weight the healthy way, but I think my mind is way too effed up to be anything but best friends with Ana. I laid in bed last night for the first time, listening to her voice and not my own. It hurt, but sometimes you need tough love in order to be better that what you are right now. I think I missed her voice.

I'm fasting today just to prove to myself that I can be the thin young woman I want to be. Tomorrow I will count calories...only 600 calories (Saturday) and 200 the next day (Sunday).

Wish me luck and send me strength. I've been away far too long. And I've missed you all so very much.

Stay strong. Stay skinny.

xo- Violet